Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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Marriage. Women and men are told what a marriage is supposed to be. We as humans are born and must follow our parents rules, struggling to be recognized as independent. Then we become indepent, slowly defining and fine-tuning, finding our integral selves. We meet a person that is mutually attracted by our individuality and independence. We get engaged…the big day…then the marriage begins. But what is marriage? For some reason, we forget ourselves; sacrificing for the greater ___. We don’t talk about the changes we make in ourselves for “the marriage.” We keep silent about it – that we lose ourselves. And talking about it is very difficult because we are told marriage is about sacrifice. We don’t want to look ungrateful. We don’t want to explain that we feel ourselves a sham. We believe the lie that is told to us is marriage and we get pulled by the riptide and drug to the bottom by the undertow. It is sad because it doesn’t have to be that way. Why do we as a society think that the true measure of a successful marriage is to portray the Brady’s or Huxtable’s? Why do we think that dysfunction is arguing? The real dysfunction is pride - NOT talking; keeping the struggle inside and letting it fester.
The person you fall in love with, who falls in love with you, believes that each is equally bringing their “true selves” to the table, flaws and all. When engagement and marriage is sealed with a kiss, what is forgotten is that what you each fell in love with is what you wanted to be bound to for the rest of your lives. It is a shame that the “fairytale” society tells us is to change, sacrifice and even suffer for the sake of that same fairytale. It is an injustice to ourselves, our children too, to continue to propagate a falsity that causes people to never speak or get needed help when things must be corrected – that those married don’t even feel they have the right to speak to their partner about concerns or problems.
When a marriage is over and the reason given is “you’ve changed,” it is overlooked that the change was the loss of identity – the perceived sacrifices that were made. And someone is stuck thinking, “I made those sacrifices for you!” But think about it, did you make those sacrifices because you were asked or told to or because you thought that was your role in the relationship?
We are taught that love and dedication is sacrificing, whether that is for your family, spouse, friends, job or children. To an extent that is true, but one thing I have told anyone that is closest to me, and asks me, is that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone. That is key! You have to feel good about yourself if you want to show your love and dedication to any. Otherwise, the insecurities leak out and some people in this world will take advantage of that.

Labels: change, dedication, family, love, marriage, sacrifice, spouse

holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 02:26