Ok, maybe I took it a bit too literal... Current mood: amused Category: Life
Chilled type day...listening to CD's (Laura Love rocks & YOU should listen to her)...left to pick up girl early cos I had something I had to do - swing at the park! I love to swing. I need to find a park that has really tall swings though. The one's around my way are kinda short so you can't get as high as I'd like. I jumped off of my swing twice - oh such fun for me. I've been accused of bein' a kid before.
Last jump and I walk briskly across the field to wait under a tree. It's windy and while everyone I come across comments on the lovely weather, I can't help but feel the cold coming and I can't stand it. Being under the tree, I feel the shade invade my body and bring a chill that tries to creep into my bones...NO! You can't come in here, this is my only sanctuary! I need warmth, so I walk into the sun to be noticed by the crossing guard who's just arrived. I walk over to wait for my girl and we chit-chat. Eyes from cars, slow drive-bys, tapping of the horns, couple guys tryin' to holla - *yawn* - I've still not figured out if a smart-assed smirk or just no expression at all would be appropriate. I see no point in a smile at all; it'll be taken wrong and as if I'm getting an ego-boost from it. Put a paper bag over my head already!
As my daughter is crossing the street, the crossing guard says, "You spit her right out A~." Of course, this is NOT the first time anybody has told me this however I decided to play, "Umm, a little more effort was required than just spit her out." He didn't quite know what to say. He stood and repeated what he said and I stated, "I can tell you from being there, I had to do quite a bit more work than spit to have her."
Then he realised I was joking. Then he realized that the joke was for him and then on him. We both had a laugh and he told me that I should go home. heehee
"Yes sir," I grinned as I turned on my heel and walked up the walkway. I could hear him still laughing...
I wrote this 7 Oct whilst at work on a scrap of receipt papier... Today at work, I realised Y I M. Y I do spread that hhjjs I was so cynically thinkin' about last night. People look so unhappy + old + weary. It makes me sad to see. It's like an apple a day keepin' the doctor away. I try to keep upbeat + optimistic because I know some of the secrets - it keeps me young and flexible. Better to roll with the punches and keep my wits then to take one on the chin and be dazed and confused. I have more to do than what I am now. This is just a continuation of the journey of me. As long as I remember to keep learning as I go, I'll be all right. I hope.
Funny, as I was putting pen to paper to write these observations, JB's 1973 started playin'. Figures - I can't hear but then I did. *grin*
Yes, Autumn has arrived. My bestest friend told me she's feeling like the squirrels and deer and wanted to know if I knew what she meant. Restless - feeling like I'm supposed to do something but I don't know what. Irritated not knowing what but not angry. I think it's just being intuned to Her - Nature, Earth, Mother. I think we're gonna have a real winter this year.
Anyways, the work I'm doing now is reinforcing my foundation for later when I can start digging into the real work I'm supposed to do. I don't know what, but it's not just survival. I'm hoping it is for community improvement. I want to be global. Lofty goals for a girl but many realities start out that way.
Currently listening : Gratitude By Earth Wind & Fire Release date: 1999-07-27
Every sound I loved sounds like a garbled, chaotic mess of scratchy, muffled noise. Nothing makes sense in my ears. I can't hear you. I try to figure out what those sounds may be and it hurts my brain. So I don't listen. Disconnected. Oh yes, I feel that. No comfort in the darkness.
And why do I spread all this happyhappy joyjoy shit anyways? Having a positive outlook is overrated. A lot of people resent it. Hell, I kinda resent it. Like I'm this innocent, fanciful, stupid girl just finding out how the world really is instead of what I actually am - starting over whilst on the decline. Oh sure, I hope and wish and dream about being better, doing better but what am i doing about it? I gotta get my act together. And who do I think I am not being content with what I got?
And arrrrggghhh! All this noise and ringing in my ears! It's too much. Reminds me how lonely I am. I don't mind being alone. It's the loneliness that kills me.
I think I've squandered Love. Here I've been thinking I did right by sharing but nothing comes. I should have saved Love for me. Should have safed Love all this time instead of giving it away for free. I worry I've wasted it; let it slip away. Even worse thought: what if there's only so much we're allotted and I've used it up? Maybe I didn't cherish it as I should have?
I'm exhausted and my back is aching something fierce. Maybe I'll have a sweet dream that will rejuvenate me. Please, not a sound...
I'm fixing dinner for the kids and I tonight. The boy asks if I felt like Peter Pan? "No," says I. "My happy thoughts are a bit low; I'm gonna need some fairy dust to fly." The kids giggle at me. "Do you want to watch Peter Pan during dinner?" Well, that is a horse of a different colour :)
My kids! they are awesome. They are so young. Wow! They have so much more to experience. I look at them and they amaze me; their interaction in the world, how they incorporate their world into it. See, I'm not a total anarchist but I do think questioning authority (reality too at times *wink*) and living on the edge (a lot or a little as suits) is oe part to happyness. Except when they question me! haha
We watched Juno together (I'd seen it beforehand) and they seemed to like it. Oh boy did they like it! Watched it about 10 times. Anyways...
I like how it really captures all the generations and especially how kids ar. If you give them the opp to express themselves, they will surprise you. The shit they're learning is still fresh in their minds & their equipment is new and developing so they can reference topics faster than we adults.
The insecurities of knowing but not. People are their most intense selves when they're stressed. Guin said she didn't like Jennifer Garner's character. I told her that she really wants to be a mother and it hadn't happened. She's nervous, worried, wishing, hoping -- stressed. I told them both I wouldn't know what I'd do if I didn't or couldn't have had them. I know that there would be a huge space in my life and heart if I didn't have them. I always knew... Always had them in my mind and if a fucking biological glitch prevented me from conception and birthing... I just don't know. They don't fill a void per se. I mean soon enough, they will be gone and moved on and I'll only see them when they have time for me. Oh I may as well fess up that they provide justification to my behavior. haha They are my proof that I'm not too crazy. Just crazy enough...
There is a female mourning dove outside, resting in the pine needles. Her mate visits her, comforts her, feeds her ... she's lost her feet. I don't know what has happened but she stretches out her wings whilst trying to find her footing and then, she falls over. Her mate seems distraught. In the overgrown, unkempt garden, he glides down fro the bench he's perched upon, to her side and she cuddles close to him. He flies back to the top of the bench and coos at her. A couple of times, she tried to do the same but she falls -- falls over. He can do nothing more. They no longer share the same interests. I wondered if I should kill her. I'll do it quick and won't make a game of her demise. Then I thought: that's what we do -- meddle. How do I know what's best for that couple? Animal behavior isn't much different amongst animals. We all feel ai ad have moments of indecision. There is love, tenderness, affection and even irritation. Humans aren't the only animals to experience these feelings. It makes me sad to see that dove unable to have the simple quality of life to even perch or walk. She just props herself within the garden floor or leans against her mate. Watching him bring her food and checking on her, he flies away as if he hates to see her that way too. But he comes back.
Currently listening : Forever Lost By Magic Numbers Release date: 2005-05-24
The Mind - found out that the creative method is a blend of the unusual way a person can see their world and collaboration. It's a woven tapestry of tiny threads that eventually make one creative work. Certain parts of the brain that don't usually work in tandem do during conception. However, it is work, no matter how one slices it! It may seem easy on the outside looking in but resourcefulness is the Mother of ingenuity. I think that it can be accessed easier by some than others for different reasons. Of course, many people can gather these same threads and convert them into their form of expression.
I've read over a few things I wrote last year. Damn! I may seem a bit crazy! Oh well... It could be worse. Disjointed and erratic isn't as bad as egocentric and flat out mad. There was a reason for my seemingly nonsensical ways -- had/have to get quite a few things sorted. Anyways, as I was reading, I understood where I was coming from and it hit me that even being a conscious being, about 1/2 of what is said or written applies to the moment while the rest goes to the past and the future - I mean it's just filler or bushwa, whichever you feel the most comfortable claiming. So, if I took what I've stated and threw it in a whirlwind, it would probably make more sense. Like I said, it could be worse. Still, you've stuck around. Wow! It must be love. Or,, you're as crazy, maybe more so, than I. Sounds good to me :)
I am being a tad critical though. I mean, I've managed to stay alive, hold down jobs & raise kids for this long. I can't be as bad as I'll play it up to others. Do I want to be unapproachable? I dunno. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want to put the effort in anymore. I think I could be a hermit and be all right with it. I oscillate on that topic -- yet another conundrum to ponder.
Currently listening : Closer By Ne-Yo Release date: 2008-07-01
LoveFriendshipLoyalty - Claddagh Current mood: hopeful Category: Life
I bought Claddagh rings for my daughter and I - son isn't really the jewelry type; more into videogaming.heh
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claddagh_Ring I was telling her the symbolism of the ring; the origin is cloudy. I told her how and where to wear it. I keep it on my right ring finger, heart, hands and crown faced out.
Perceptive she is and told me that I have captured the heart of you but/and now you must/will capture mine. I questioned what she meant because one would think _you'd_ captured my heart but she said that didn't make sense as I love you so I have your heart. You now are going to love me back and will capture this heart in me. But whose heart have I captured? Guinevere says not to worry about that because even if you don't know me yet, you will and we'll be trouble when we get together. Brendon says my Prince Charming will be here soon. I can't argue with that logic. I'm here still learning...
Males and females everywhere and only one of whom I think. Fucking shadow. Just as well, all these others aren't my type, may as well be a silhouette that is. That will keep me out of trouble. That isn't the only reason of course. I think it wasn't an accident or trite coincidence -- last summer. I believe in some one. Someone that I will feel that electricity just as I did when I felt/saw that ghost. That's who I know is mine. No mistake. If in the end, someday, I have you to hold and listen and read my crazy thinks, it will all be worth the doubt and wonder I've experienced all this time. Every person that I liked and loved but just wasn't right, any moment that felt forced, I'd do it again again if I the end, I'm with you. Who knows when? I can't think about that _too much_ but I do know that who I want + need is out there, thinking and feeling the same.
Goodness, I'm such a soppy sentimental romantic. I need to go watch First Blood.
Currently watching : First Blood Release date: 2004-11-23
My daughter says that I need to change my status -- I'm not in a relationship anymore.
Who knows? She could be right.
I'm scared but not of the dark. I'm scared of passive-aggressive men I used to be married to that don't do what they say they will. A man that doesn't follow through what is in our separation agreement and pay the mortgage whilst the kids and i still live in the house in place of child support or pay the kids health insurance. I'm tired of asking for the things he's supposed to do and then wait until he finds ways of getting back at me. I'm scared that I won't be able to make it and I won't be able to cover it all for my family. I always feel like what I do isn't enough and I should be doing more. I'm scared it'll always be this way...
I probably shouldn't have written this. Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Currently listening : Rage Against the Machine By Rage Against the Machine Release date: 1992-11-10
amused 
hyper 
cold 
recumbent 
crazy 
bouncy 
naughty 
hopeful 
