Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Saturday, April 30, 2005
King of Sorrow – Sade; Lovers Rock I’m crying everyone’s tears And there inside our private war I died the night before And all of these remnants of joy and disaster What am I suppose to do I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul But nothing would change Nothing would change at all It’s just a day that brings it all about Just another day and nothing’s any good The DJ’s playing the same song I have so much to do I have to carry on I wonder if this grief will ever let me go I feel like I am the king Of sorrow, yeah The king of sorrow I suppose I could just walk away Will I disappoint my future if I stay It’s just a day that brings it all about Just another day and nothing’s any good The DJ’s playing the same song I have so much to do I have to carry on I wonder will this grief ever be gone Will it ever go I’m the king Of sorrow, yeah The king of sorrow I’m crying everyone’s tears I have already paid for all my future sins There’s nothing anyone Can say to take this away It’s just another day and nothing’s any good I’m the king of sorrow, yeah King of sorrow I’m the king of sorrow, yeah King of sorrow Repeat above until fade The private war... I don’t know why it’s a war. I started it last night perhaps. I slept downstairs in the lower level. I just didn’t want to sleep in bed. I don’t know what set me off. Part was when he came home from pickin’ up some cheesesteak subs, our friend was over and he walked by me, to give her a hug. After, he walked up to me and rubbed my forearm. Another part has been these looks he gives where he smiles and I’m EXPECTED to smile too. It’s like it’s the whole “you grin you in” scenario. If I don’t, I’m not with the program and then it’s what’s wrong? What the fuck do you think is wrong? I told him I don’t trust him. I have good reason not too! I feel like he expects me to be the one to bring it all together. I’ve done that over and over and over. I need to know he wants this...US. I explained where I was coming from one month before that fateful trip and he did NOTHING. It wasn’t important TO HIM until he came back. Now he’s up in arms and turning resentful…AGAIN. It’s almost been a month since he’s been back and “we” don’t talk about how to get us back on track. It is him wishing we were close again. Behold, you shall stand at the door (of my heart) and knock. Unfair to have an expectation that I’ll just let a person back in over and over and over. I don’t trust him. I told him he had to win my heart back…if he wanted it. I’ve already said it. Now he’s mad `cause he isn’t doing anything to and OF COURSE it’s my job and I'm not doing anything so, it's my fault. Fuck that! And my question is, How does it feel to have a person only putting as much into the relationship as you do? He’s given up after a month…with no in depth discussion WITH ME about it since the first few days he came home. Someone has been listening to him, but he ain’t sayin’ the words to ME. Anyone that knows me knows I don’t/won’t fight for no fuckin’ male. I’ll fight for myself and my kids, but I ain’t fighting to make a man stay with me…motherfucker please. I haven’t even given up! I’ve just put in an equal amount that he has after almost 10 years of pushing to make this work. I know him; lived with him; know his flaws and weaknesses. He knows mine too and I’ve revealed a lot of my secrets. I’ve never expected perfect. I thought that we both knew we’d fuck-up along the way. But for one to have a pattern of behavior that is destructive yet that one won’t change…dares get resentful…and is looking for someone else to “lean on”? *shaking head* It’s just a day that brings it all about; just another day and nothin’s any good… holla@me
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