Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



Are You HOT or NOT?

Lyrics Search

ArtistTitle

ARCHIVES
04.2001 05.2001 06.2001 07.2001 08.2001 09.2001 10.2001 11.2001 12.2001 01.2002 03.2002 04.2002 05.2002 06.2002 07.2002 08.2002 09.2002 11.2002 01.2003 03.2003 04.2003 05.2003 08.2003 03.2004 04.2004 05.2004 07.2004 11.2004 12.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 04.2006 05.2006 10.2006 11.2006 01.2007 02.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 11.2007 12.2007 05.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008

It still stings, and I fear it always will, that he thought to, and indeed did, invite other people (women) that he's met online to be with on his trip to Alabama. As a matter of fact, he didn't think about me going until after his plans with someone else was set. Me as an afterthought two days before he left. After it's too late to get any tickets or anything, he types to me that he wishes he thought about it before now. It doesn't ring true to me: Right after he found out, in earlyFebruary, that he had to go on his trip, he talked to one woman...it didn't pan out. Then he talked to another woman...bingo!
Then he tells me that I'm so fuckin' special and that I'm the cream of the crop of females...
*sniff-sniff*
It just doesn't ring true to me. He also tells me that he doesn't really feel comfortable telling me how he feels about other women. No fucking shit! He hasn't been doing any of the things we had said we would do: discuss everything; share everything; be open, honest and mindful of each others feelings. It isn't there. And I'm feeling numb.
I feel like I take so much care with him and give him so much support, he takes it for granted. He really doesn't know how it feels for me not to have his back. He's left me in the lurch too many times :
1.when the band broke up; he stopped caring about everything and everyone
2. finding a woman 1 year after my accident to "rescue", told her we were open when we weren't and told me if I didn't accept it, he'd do what he wanted anyway
3. 2 months ago, got involved with a woman online that needed "rescuing" again; was thinking about going to Canada to visit her
4. after my surgery, he spent the entire weekend online, chatting and then would get upset when I was cleaning something or getting something for myself
5. he was supposed to spend an evening with me, said he needed to check his messages and then started e-mailing this woman he JUST got an e-mail from and then, after giving her his Yahoo ID, started chatting with her for 2+ hours
6. right now; it continues - he's been telling all the women he's been talking to that he and I have this great relationship and that we're open and all the "wonderful" things he does for me. The thing is, he's not been doing what he's said he has with me at all. He's been using me and the wife status to look like this terrific, romantic, attentive man.
And the kicker is that he's told me his "schtick" is to talk to these women: be attentive - what is your favorite color? how do you take your coffee? who makes you laugh? and a bunch of other questions besides. (One time he gave me an example and I asked him if he knew my answer. The answer was no.)
He told me that all of this was because women are so used to being objectified and sexed up that they go crazy and become extremely attracted to him because he "just talks". That's his "schtick": he just talks...then they start getting all hot and bothered for him. And then of course, he tells these women how intune and ONE we are about sharing each other.
I brought it up to him 3 weeks ago; been talking to him about this and the points I've been making he says he knows what I'm saying and that it is true: he has been giving these women all this attention and consideration and indeed HAS been overlooking me and that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings anymore. He says he understands my trust issues with him and that he's gonna show me how much he supports and loves me. It sounds like bullshit to me because since I've brought all this up, he still hasn't shared anything and it was just 4/6 him telling me he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about the women he's involved with. It sounds like bullshit because I have to keep bringing it up and it doesn't matter because he's thinking of the here and now: He's pushed all this to the back burner so that he could go on his trip this weekend with someone joining him to have fun with.
And I'm tired of saying anything. And I'm tired of caring so much about him when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated.
And I'm not upset with any of these women. I don't think that it's jealousy I'm feeling. The one woman that he did meet up with this weekend, I like and want to meet her. Apparently, she wants to meet me too. She told me that she felt like he was leaving the best part of himself behind and that me not being there would be peanut butter without the jelly.

I told Dude that actions speak louder than words. He said that he was going to show me through his actions. Well he hasn't been doing it with actions or words.
I think I'm going to take my own advice. He's obviously not listening to me, probably looking at me as a nag. So I'm going to stop talking and take better care of myself. Because if I don't do it for myself, who will for me? No one.
holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 17:23