Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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Silence, permeating my world. It happens sometimes. It can be a blessing...quiet. Listening to my inner beat. The words that move through my head like a song in my soul. Dare I let them escape? What if someone hears the words they read loud and clear and still don't understand that I don't have the answers to why I think as I do. I try to figure it out. Somethings are very clear to me and yet I still have a feeling of loss. Quiet; silence; cease; stop.

My Dude bought me a scent that I enjoy: Clinque Happy. It does make me happy.
Supposed to have dinner with friends tomorrow. I have to call and confirm.
Might go to Ladies Tea on Sunday. Most likely alone; it'll be easier that way.
Therapy with my mother has been interesting to say the least. I told her that the problem with her and I is that she created our relationship from when I was a child and that the issues I bring up about the past are brought up because she still continues the pattern in our present. She let me know that I was full of it; I am an adult and so the relationship we have is something I created. There is no point in trying to explain it a different way yet; there is still so much that needs to come out. I told her I felt that she treated and behaved the way she did to her children because she thought there would be no consequences...because either we wouldn't remember them or because we were kids when it happened and so she could say we didn't remember it right. She made a grave error with that. Children are people new to the world and experiences, but they learn damn quick.
I hit a few nerves though: asked my mother why she slept all the time with me and then with my brother and sister. She used to lock me in my room when i was 2-3 because I got into things...food. She always slept; I got hungry and no one was there to fix me something so I started doing it myself. Mother did the same thing with R&J but they beat a kitten with a wifflebat and started a fire in our rooms in the attic, trying to light a candle. Both were accidents; they weren't even school age...Mom slept through the incidents. The kitten died; they were all lucky that my brother raced down and woke Mom up to save them or they wouldn't have made it. I asked her why one punishment my brother received occurred - didn't eat for over 16 hours and got beaten with a belt. She tried to deny it. Afterward, away from the therapist of course, she wanted to make me feel guilty for bringing it up: We must have been like ogres to you. It was scary growing up with you, I told her.
She doesn't understand that I bring this up because while she says I'm such a good parent, she treats me like I need her help being a good parent. She tells me things like my kids are scared of me and when I need to take the kids to the doctor and that I'm too strict of a parent. Well, I haven't beaten my kids with belts or had them go to bed without lunch or dinner. I also don't treat my kids like they're stupid or non-entities. I know when to take them to a doctor. More than I can say for my mother who knew when I was in 1st grade I needed glasses but didn't get me any until 4th grade. And I could go on and on and on and on andonandonandon
I'm not making any sense And even that doesn't matter. I'm making quite a bit of progress; Mom may be as well, but who really knows?
In the end, it really isn't about how we are connected but how we cope with ourselves.
Is there anybody out there?


ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast
Quickie: Everyone wants a piece of your mind. But you can only share so much.
Overview: Don't let anyone compromise your integrity with a whisper -- and don't feel obligated to be polite if they try. You have a very strict code of ethics, and you shouldn't allow anyone to violate it.
Extended: Secrets, secrets and more secrets. That's what you're running into at every turn -- and you're not liking it. You're the straightforward type. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Gossip has never appealed to you, either. It's too easy for it to spiral into outright lies. So when someone comes to you with an outrageous secret they're dying to whisper in your ear, don't be afraid to tell them you're not interested.
holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 21:39