Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Saturday, January 29, 2005
So, why did my mother call me and start asking questions about what what's going on with me an' everything and then with her probing questions I told her that I needed a biopsy and all the other shit going on with me??? DUMBASS! Yes, I know it. Well, one good thing; she asked if she could be with me when I got the biopsy and I told her that I didn't know. Of course the answer is no. But I don't have to give an automatic answer just because she wants one (book-Emotional Blackmail). I don't want her there and I feel no obligation to have her there. She'd make me tenser. I feel like a fuckin' science project with her...like she didn't help to make me what I am and then pokes and prods me on top of that! Fuck that. But what really bothered me is that she decided to tell me how I must feel right now. "I know it's hard and being so nervous and scared. You feel like you have to show a happy face to people with what's going on with you. At least I do." Yes Bitch. It's what YOU do. Not me. Stop putting your shit on me. Yes I'm nervous when I have to go through testing, sticking, pulling, squashing, inserting, filling...the bullshit of trying to figure out what is going on with my body right now. But I'm not feeling depressed and fucked up because I have medical problems. I have however been thinking about things I should already have been doing: Living Will; Last Will in Testament; any legalities with our kids and so on. My mother told me after I informed her that Queen would have custody of Bren and Guin that she was going to take Queen to court and fight that all the way. I will haunt that bitch for the rest of her short-lived life if... One day at a time. Live Life to the fullest. So I broke it down to her that I am NOT just putting on a happy face. I'm giving her the facts. Besides, she isn't privy to my feelings or emotions on anything; she's gotten enough of that from me. I summed up what I explained in January 27th journal: None of us are getting out of this alive. Awwww, I'm not going to live forever? It's not a surprise. Why am I supposed to be upset because I "may" die? Ummm, no, death is inevitable. She started laughing, saying that was true then said OK all exaggerated like. See that is exactly the shit I mean with my mother. It isn't necessary that she believes what I think and feel. But, who better to state and explain how I think and feel but myself? No no, Mother knows best. I know why I told her my news. I had a feeling this is how she'd be; trying to take control and act like my consoler and Mother confessor. That would be one of my Hell's; ain't never gonna happen. Yeah Ma, remember when you told me that you withdrew from me once I got married (whatever that meant...like we were ever close...maybe when I was a baby)? You are right. I'm married. I shall cleave unto him. And oh golly gee! What's this? Friends? A support system? From years of loving and caring for people that love and care for me. wow I just wanted to see if I was correct in my assumption. It's not a victory...just shows how stagnant we truly are. Ok, next chapter of my night! We got the best subs on this side of town from Maria's on Taylor Ave. Oh my god! Cheese steak sub, everything no hots, extra fried onions! yummmm. We watched Shadowlands. Really good character study but hard to tell the time expanse during the story. WOO HOO! I GOT A BOOTY CALL Y'ALL!!! Man, I love that shit. Gimme gimme. Just can't get enough. *eg*
Lucky Star - Madonna; Madonna Punk Rock Girl - The Dead Milkmen I knew that I had a high tolerance for pain but now I'm sure of it. The doctor told me about the procedure and then told me that I'd probably be in a fair amount of pain from it for a few days. She gave me a `script for the pain; nothing good. *grin* I don't need it. I'm not in pain. Giving birth didn't hurt that much. Tongue piercing, not at all. Spanking... holla@me
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