Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Monday, January 31, 2005
I notice that I become extremely critical of a person that tells me one thing but their behavior is otherwise. It's one thing to do the best you can quite and quite another to languidly live while other depend on them. I lose interest and respect and suspect that most things said are a fabrication. Be who you are. If you're embarrassed by what you do, change.
Maybe I shouldn't share these disparaging observations. It will scarcely be believed by those unexposed but it may change a person's perspective on me. I guess unless I'm going to do something to change the situation by helping, making calls or extricating myself, I should keep my thoughts to myself. Proverbs 14:1 I found these gems on Sunday while watching the rest of Shadowlands. "When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it." - Anatole France (1844- 1924) French author "We throw all our attention on the utterly idle question whether A has done as well a B when the only question is whether A has done as well as he could." - William Graham Sumner (1840-1900) American sociologist "The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none." - Thomas Carlyle (1795- 1881) "The plain working truth is that it is not only good for people to be shocked occasionally, but absolutely necessary to the progress of society that they should be shocked pretty often." - George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950) holla@me
Drops of Jupiter – Train
Now that she’s back in the atmosphere With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey She acts like Summer and walks like rain Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey Since the return from her stay on the moon She listens like Spring and she talks like June, hey, hey Tell me did you sail across the sun Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star One without a permanent scar And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there Now that she’s back from that soul vacation Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey Now that she’s back in the atmosphere I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain Ol’ Jane Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day And head back to the Milky Way And tell me, did Venus blow your mind Was it everything you wanted to find And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone Conversation The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day And head back toward the Milky Way Tell me did you sail across the sun Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated holla@me
Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Deep Blue Something
Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers; Blood Sugar Sex Magik I Don’t Wanna Be – Gavin DeGraw One of my girlfriends saw my Hot or Not picture and she thought I looked really good. She made a few choice comments about it and I felt happy. The low rating doesn’t bother me. It’s that I don’t think it is an “honest” rating that bothers me a bit. But oh well; I’m still gathering and recording my data. Anyways, about the current picture: One of the kids took it of me. I think maybe the low rating is because there is more of me and it looks like it was edited out. Nope, that’s how the picture was taken. Kids don’t think of that shit. They were happy to have gotten my head in the pic! *endearing smile* Horoscopes ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast Quickie: The view will be even better a few yards higher. Keep climbing. Keep climbing. Overview: A little while ago, you had a feeling something was brewing. When you walk in this morning, you'll discover you were right. The good news is that it's what you've been waiting for. Enjoy! Extended (by Astrology.com)When you least expect it, the world as you know it will go all topsy-turvy. It won't be an ending (exactly), and certainly not an unpleasant one, but you may wake up today realizing that you're definitely not in Kansas anymore. This time out, even though you're not ordinarily fond of change, it won't bother you -- mostly because you've been planning this for a while now. Go ahead and put those plans in motion. It's time. I swear this morning when I woke up, I thought of the Quote: “If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?” – Dorothy Gale Kelly Clarkson likes to be naked. I’m so glad that at least one artist can admit to that. We’re a naked family at our house. Before the kids, we never wore clothes. Cleaning naked is so much easier than with clothes let me tell you. Compliment Complement More to come... holla@me Sunday, January 30, 2005
Ok, so I'm a few hours behind on my thoughts for Saturday, January 29, 2005
"Take It Easy" - Eagles Well, I'm running down the road tryin' to loosen my load I've got seven women on my mind, Four that wanna own me, Two that wanna stone me, One says she's a friend of mine Take It easy, take it easy Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy Lighten up while you still can don't even try to understand Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me Come on, baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me We may lose and we may win though we will never be here again so open up, I'm climbin' in, so take it easy Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find Take it easy, take it easy don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy come on baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me, oh oh oh Oh we got it easy We oughta take it easy "Baby Boy" – Beyonce (feat. Sean Paul); Dangerously In Love Certified quality A dat da girl dem need and dem not stop cry without apology Buck dem da right way – dat my policy Sean Paul alongside – now hear what da man say – Beyonce Dutty ya, dutty ya, dutty ya Beyonce sing it now ya Baby boy you stay on my mind Fulfill my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Baby boy not a day goes by Without my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Aah oh my baby's fly baby oh Yes no hurt me so good baby oh I'm so wrapped up in your love let me go Let me breathe stay out my fantasies Ya ready gimme da ting dat ya ready get ya live And tell me all about da tings that you will fantasize I know you dig da way me step da way me make my stride Follow your feelings baby girl b/c they cannot be denied Come check me in-a night and make we get it amplified Me have da ting to run da ship cause I'm go slip and I'm go slide And in the words of love I got ta get it certified But I give you da toughest longest kinda ride – girl Baby boy you stay on my mind Fulfill my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Baby boy not a day goes by Without my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Picture us dancin real close In a dark dark corner of a basement party Every time I close my eyes It's like everyone left but you and me In our own little world The music is the sun The dance floor becomes the sea Feels like true paradise to me Baby boy you stay on my mind Fulfill my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Baby boy not a day goes by Without my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams Baby boy you stay on my mind Baby boy you are so damn fine Baby boy won't you be mine Baby let's conceive an angel Top top – girl Me and you together is a wrap – dat girl Driving around da town in your drop top – girl You no stop shock – girl Little more da dutty, we'll rock dat world Top top – girl Me and you together is a wrap – dat girl Driving around da town in your drop top – girl You no stop shock – girl Little more da dutty, we'll rock dat world Baby boy you stay on my mind Fulfill my fantasies I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams We stepping in hotter this year, We stepping in hotter this year, I know you gon' like it, I know you gon' like it. I'm stepping in hotter this year, I'm stepping in hotter this year, So don't you fight it, So don't you fight it, PennySaver Horoscopes for the Week by Lasha Seniuk Taurus – Social delays are annoying and unavoidable. Someone close may be operating under false assumptions. Check dates, times and invitations thoroughly before offering a commitment. Planned events or family gatherings may also be affected. Leo – Business requests and workplace duties will soon escalate. Key officials will rely heavily on your ability to resolve disputes or clarify complex instructions. At present, bosses or managers may find public relations difficult. Provide support and expect meaningful acknowledgment. Libra – Mutual friends or coworkers will now display valuable talents and complex skills. Carefully study the reactions of older colleagues. A previously silent work mate may reveal revised employment or business intentions. Remain attentive to detail and be prepared to assume new duties. Scorpio – Delicate relations with younger relatives or roommates will require sensitivity. Minor home tensions are not easily avoided. Provide consistent descriptions of short-term rules, intentions or boundaries. For many Scorpios, home relationships will soon demand revised roles and new expectations. Sagittarius – Previously withdrawn family members may ask for extensive advice. Disputes with older relatives, conflicted values or traditional roles may be a source of tension. Advocate public honesty and expect only minor confrontations. Home relations and family bonds will be easily repaired. Capricorn – Career discussions are socially exciting and informative. Someone close may need to disclose unique plans or revised expectations. Rare opportunities in the commications, technology or finiancial industries may arrive without warning. Pisces – Long-term friends and close relatives may question your social or romantic choices. Avoid detailed explanations, if possible. At present, new relationships are npredictable and easily derailed. Carefully review financial or legal documents. Missed information may now be important to successful business partnerships or lasting agreements. Amendments/changes to my 1/29th blog entry that was actually thoughts of Friday, January 28, 2005: Should have added: ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast Quickie: You aren't the maid. So why does everyone expect you to clean up after them? Overview: You're ready to play. Let go of all that stress and tension you've been dealing with for the past few days, and have some fun. Put some distance between you and what you'd like to forget. ‘I don’t want her there and I feel no compunction to have her there’, would have been a better sentence. The bullshit of testing to figure out what is going on…I’ve never had these tests done. I’m to have surgery in the near future too. Last Will and Testament Ain’t ever gonna happen Impressions of the day: Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21) This hasn't been a particularly easy time for you Scorpions, and the ride isn't yet over. You may now feel a fresh wave of feelings washing over you, but the danger is holding onto the past instead of letting it flow into the future. Practice with your mind by envisioning totally new and different scenarios. Don't judge your thoughts, however outrageous they may be. Just think about every possible path you could take. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your thoughts are shifting as you begin to think about what you've done in your life so far -- and what you are currently doing. This is a shift, for recently your mind has been more on your future than what's happening now. It's time for you Bulls to focus on your work. Diligence and originality can combine to bring you positive results. Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) As Mercury joins the other planets already in Aquarius -- where they are opposite your own sign -- you can feel the cosmos pulling you out of your regular posture and into new kinds of relationships. Sometimes you are more rigid than you need to be. Visualize yourself changing to meet the challenges of your current environment. Don't try to hold on to what you think you have. It could get in the way of your happiness. Leo Daily extended (by Astrology.com)After what you went through over the past couple of days, today will be an absolute dream come true. That means no more explaining your every move to dear ones who don't quite believe you, no more chatting up people you're not really interested in and an end to worrying about not being able to say the right thing. In fact, saying the right thing to someone who doesn't realize you're not really interested may be your worst problem. But aren't you used to that by now? Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Your imagination is receiving a boost from your own subconscious mind. A good movie or book can act as a catalyst, encouraging your own creativity. But you may feel blocked, as if your brilliance cannot easily find a way to shine. If this is so, take the pressure off yourself and just try to enjoy the show. The time for your self-expression will come. ~Funny omg my kids are so funny! ~Guin likes school spaghetti on roll sandwiches, just like I did when I was a kid! She loves her glasses and how alike we look. She makes me blush. ~Bren was not happy with how playing FFX-2 so fast without the necessary preparation was and so started to play it again. I’m so proud! ~Preparing for the future ~She threw soda in her own face! – that was funny ~We love our naked woman painting. There are a few places obvious that the artist was still learning how to “bring her to life” but the shadowing is wonderful. Her legs look silky and her ass is nice. ~Do I have your mind? ~I love when people use my name while talking to me. It kind of brings it home that I’m “in the scene.” That is why I do it to others; `cause I like it. ~I don’t want my business to be put out there. Name-dropping isn’t cool because it comes at a price. ~Suppuku = hara-kiri ~Whew extremely aroused today…I dunno why, but I love it! I Still Believe – Brenda K Starr Lights - Journey Epic - Faith No More Can you feel it, see it, hear it today? If you can't, then it doesn't matter anyway You will never understand it cuz it happens too fast And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright It's so groovy, it's outta sight You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet But it makes no difference cuz it knocks you off your feet You want it all but you can't have it It's cryin', bleedin', lying on the floor So you lay down on it and you do it some more You've got to share it, so you dare it Then you bare it and you tear it You want it all but you can't have it It's in your face but you can't grab it It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain It's sad it happened and it's a shame You want it all but you can't have it It's in your face but you can't grab it What is it? It's it What is it? Assuage Ingratiate – Garfield Rudimentary Objectively Objectify And I'm spent. holla@me Saturday, January 29, 2005
So, why did my mother call me and start asking questions about what what's going on with me an' everything and then with her probing questions I told her that I needed a biopsy and all the other shit going on with me??? DUMBASS! Yes, I know it. Well, one good thing; she asked if she could be with me when I got the biopsy and I told her that I didn't know. Of course the answer is no. But I don't have to give an automatic answer just because she wants one (book-Emotional Blackmail). I don't want her there and I feel no obligation to have her there. She'd make me tenser. I feel like a fuckin' science project with her...like she didn't help to make me what I am and then pokes and prods me on top of that! Fuck that. But what really bothered me is that she decided to tell me how I must feel right now. "I know it's hard and being so nervous and scared. You feel like you have to show a happy face to people with what's going on with you. At least I do." Yes Bitch. It's what YOU do. Not me. Stop putting your shit on me. Yes I'm nervous when I have to go through testing, sticking, pulling, squashing, inserting, filling...the bullshit of trying to figure out what is going on with my body right now. But I'm not feeling depressed and fucked up because I have medical problems. I have however been thinking about things I should already have been doing: Living Will; Last Will in Testament; any legalities with our kids and so on. My mother told me after I informed her that Queen would have custody of Bren and Guin that she was going to take Queen to court and fight that all the way. I will haunt that bitch for the rest of her short-lived life if... One day at a time. Live Life to the fullest. So I broke it down to her that I am NOT just putting on a happy face. I'm giving her the facts. Besides, she isn't privy to my feelings or emotions on anything; she's gotten enough of that from me. I summed up what I explained in January 27th journal: None of us are getting out of this alive. Awwww, I'm not going to live forever? It's not a surprise. Why am I supposed to be upset because I "may" die? Ummm, no, death is inevitable. She started laughing, saying that was true then said OK all exaggerated like. See that is exactly the shit I mean with my mother. It isn't necessary that she believes what I think and feel. But, who better to state and explain how I think and feel but myself? No no, Mother knows best. I know why I told her my news. I had a feeling this is how she'd be; trying to take control and act like my consoler and Mother confessor. That would be one of my Hell's; ain't never gonna happen. Yeah Ma, remember when you told me that you withdrew from me once I got married (whatever that meant...like we were ever close...maybe when I was a baby)? You are right. I'm married. I shall cleave unto him. And oh golly gee! What's this? Friends? A support system? From years of loving and caring for people that love and care for me. wow I just wanted to see if I was correct in my assumption. It's not a victory...just shows how stagnant we truly are. Ok, next chapter of my night! We got the best subs on this side of town from Maria's on Taylor Ave. Oh my god! Cheese steak sub, everything no hots, extra fried onions! yummmm. We watched Shadowlands. Really good character study but hard to tell the time expanse during the story. WOO HOO! I GOT A BOOTY CALL Y'ALL!!! Man, I love that shit. Gimme gimme. Just can't get enough. *eg*
Lucky Star - Madonna; Madonna Punk Rock Girl - The Dead Milkmen I knew that I had a high tolerance for pain but now I'm sure of it. The doctor told me about the procedure and then told me that I'd probably be in a fair amount of pain from it for a few days. She gave me a `script for the pain; nothing good. *grin* I don't need it. I'm not in pain. Giving birth didn't hurt that much. Tongue piercing, not at all. Spanking... holla@me Friday, January 28, 2005
Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself All day - and all night I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath I say to myself I need fuel - to take flight And there's too much going on But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea But he washed me shore and he took my pearl And left an empty shell of me And there's too much going on But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion You Get What You Give - New Radicals You've got the music in you Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget You only get what you give She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby It's poetry in motion She turned her tender eyes to me As deep as any ocean As sweet as any harmony Mmm - but she blinded me with science "She blinded me with science!" And failed me in biology When I'm dancing close to her "Blinding me with science - science!" I can smell the chemicals "Blinding me with science - science!" "Science!" "Science!" Mmm - but it's poetry in motion And when she turned her eyes to me As deep as any ocean As sweet as any harmony Mmm - but she blinded me with science And failed me in geometry When she's dancing next to me "Blinding me with science - science!" "Science!" I can hear machinery "Blinding me with science - science!" "Science!" It's poetry in motion And now she's making love to me The spheres are in commotion The elements in harmony She blinded me with science "She blinded me with science!" And hit me with technology "Good heavens Miss Sakamoto - you're beautiful!" I -I don't believe it! There she goes again! She's tidied up, and I can't find anything! All my tubes and wires And careful notes And antiquated notions But! - it's poetry in motion And when she turned her eyes to me As deep as any ocean As sweet as any harmony Mmm - but she blinded me with science "She blinded me with - with science!" She blinded me with Stray Paper - Tift Merritt In Between Days - The Cure What's Going On? - Marvin Gaye You're Out of Touch - Hall and Oates Fly - Sugar Ray Things went all right today. While they were prepping me for the procedure, they told me I had to take off my glasses. I didn't like that at all. I'm fuckin' blind! I couldn't see, didn't know where I was going or anything. Then another nurse started askin' me questions, one of them being any problem with your vision. I said, "Yeah, I have bad vision and I can't see!" So I was able to get my glasses. But, I couldn't even get to the locker room where my shit was. I had to be guided by a nurse. I felt like an invalid. During the cystography, there were very strange sensations. I was explaining it to my Dr. because she hasn't had that particular procedure. I'm tired. Blondie was gonna come over but when I called, phone was busy. I'm tired. Guin is so excited about getting her specs today. I'm excited for her. She's near sighted. She told me last night that she knew she would have problems with her sight. I only hope it doesn't get to my extent. I'm thinking about Lasik. At home when I take off my glasses, sometimes I can't find them and I have to ask for help. It's Home so I'm safe, but being in a hospital... I don't like that vulnerability. I'm gonna go... Reality is as beautiful as it is ugly. holla@me Thursday, January 27, 2005
ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast
Quickie: Yesterday, the water was perilous and choppy. Today, it's as smooth as glass. Overview: Someone perfect could be along shortly. Ignore the age difference or anything else that seems to separate you. Focus on what you have in common. That goes double for current partners, whom you'll be especially close to now. The lines checked below indicate the results of the mammogram performed on you today and our recommendations: A finding in your left breast raises some concern and a biopsy is recommended. The woman explaining this to me today seemed so nervous. She told me that it is most likely nothing but because this is my first time (whatever that means) that I needed to consult with my doctor and get a biopsy. I'm fibrocystic anyway, so I have a predisposition to cysts. I worried when I was first told that when I was 19, but I've processed it and it is what it is. But I've never been told to get mammograms regularly; not until this particular cyst I found. I told my parents that I'm OK. They don't need to know that I will need a biopsy. I don't want pity or them to be nice to me because I have some medical problems. I wanted to be near someone today, but I didn't want to be at Blondie's house. Yeah, I could have blown schmoke all day and been dazed & confused in a house that smells. What fun. No. I called DB (I have to think of a nick for him...DaButt *grin*) and asked him if he was doin' anything and if I could come over for tea. He asked where I was. I told him. He said sure, but it kinda sounded like he didn't want me to and I felt all bad and when I got there I was thinkin' of just drivin' away, but I didn't. His ma was there; we talked about cats. We went out to do errands, make small talk and make a stop in Greektown for some tappas. I told him what was going on, briefly while waiting. WELL, let me just fast forward to DB holding out a fluorescent pink pen top that was battered and deep fried!!! It was in MY order of zucchini too. Oh I was so glad it wasn't me. I felt bad and thought it was major fucked-up! So, free food. I only wish we had ordered soup and salad BEFORE the appetizers. ...
DaButt says, "You can't start planning the funeral." Later, I spoke to Queen. She says, "Don't start writing the eulogy just yet." I am NOT feeling funereal! I am only saying that I'm not scared of death. "NONE OF US ARE GETTING OUT OF THIS ALIVE." Many moons ago, I discovered watching a science show with my Dad, that so-many-odd-millions of years from now, this solar systems sun will die and everything on this planet will cease. I was so scared! Upset, anxious, paranoid, angry...any emotion that a girl of 10 might be sensing because the planet she loved and all of her future relatives will eventually die. My Dad, oh he tried to comfort me and make me feel better without giving into my demand of him making what we saw on TV that night untrue. But he couldn't lie to me, only hug me and tell me it would be years away and I'd never know it anyway. So I went to a cold bed; head filled with the knowledge of super nova, destruction and death with only a strong hug and soothing sounds to protect me from my dreams. I cried myself to sleep. I don't remember my dreams. Then I grew up. I learned. I changed. I grew. I learned about reincarnation; I probably will be around, in some form, when the sun implodes...unless I reach Nirvana, but I don't think Nirvana works the way we think it does... And it's good to be alive when the scientists FINALLY have proof that we humans are about 99.9 percent identical; that there indeed was an "Adam & Eve" but not in the way that fans of "The Good Book" like to believe. *there was a reason for that particular tangent but honestly I want to think on it before I expound* I don't know everything. I think how I think because it gets me by, that's all. I try to find logical relevance or you could say rationalize so shit makes sense to me, but that don't make what I believe or think so. And I have a slight rant...just to put it out there to the folks that take IM-ing for granted: Motherfucker, the words I type aren't an e-mail FW: !! They are thought out as I type them just before I send them to you. If I chat with you, I expect it to be read, pondered and receive an equal exchange of thought...even if it is one word. Oh yeah, and WTF is up with my horoscope? Maybe some of it is true holla@me Friday, January 21, 2005
Watched Monster last night. Sparked deep conversation...
The real Selby WISHES she looked like Christina Ricci. But that wasn't what our convo was about. We've been fascinated by Alieen Wuornos; her childhood; her past; her search for love; her anxiety and mental issues. It's sad. We watched the Nick Broomfield documentaries. The last one was tragic. She just wanted to die. If I were her, I'd want to die too. That woman had anything that she could have been taken away from her. She was convinced that love didn't exist. It would be nice to think that when bad things happen to a person, they'll be able to rise up from it and be a stronger, more together person. It doesn't always work that way. Some people after being abused, become abusers; some don't. But a child, never knowing security, love, peace... what do you expect when that person becomes an adult? Expect an empty shell; a husk of a person and what they were exposed to swirls around them. Woe be to anyone that finds themselves on their path... Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, New version of Carrie, Butterfly Effect tonight. I've watched Pi: Faith in Chaos again and listened to Sean Gullette and Darren Aronofsky's commentaries. Interesting... Actually, I didn't pay attention to chaos because of Pi; it was always there. The extra features in Butterfly Effect had a couple pyshcoanalysts and mathematicians that mentioned some theories that I've believed but didn't have a reference to. Last Friday, there was a LOT of rain in MD and one of the sump pumps gave up the ghost and water just started to pour in through the back door. It was so depressing. I was watching the waters rising and flowing further and further onto the carpet, moving everything I could. When it rained it poured...right into our lower level; about 1.5" of water. Thankfully, none of our electronics were destroyed. Eventually, we're going to have to re-construct the lower level: drywall, stairs, bathroom flush-in; but we are going to anyway. My leather shag rug was partially moistened...Little Man helped me pick it up and carry it to safety. It was a lot of work and we worked our asses off. A friend of mine came over later that day and couldn't believe we had a flood. I told her that it was a lot of fuckin' work to make it look like "what flood?" We already bought a dehumidifier so that helped tremedously, but there was still a slight mildewy smell. Bought some Febreeze and dumped that into the carpet. No more smell...always good. I've been writing, not typing and sometimes, it just isn't worth it to transfer. Today I have a major headache. I hate headaches. I'm done. SAI...been thinking about the name of that weapon for months! Finally popped into my head. Katana or kitara kept floating into my head, even though I know full well that a katana is a samurai sword. committed to memory now... em·pa·thy Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS 1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it 2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this I was a little irritated. My dictionary doesn't have this nice definition of empathy. I know I need to get a BIG dictionary but I figured there would be more than the rinky-dink version. blah blah blah... holla@me Thursday, January 20, 2005
"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." - Anais Nin
"Chaos and order are not enemies, only opposites." - Richard Garriott "Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit." - Henry B. Adams "I have a great belief in the fact that whenever there is chaos, it creates wonderful thinking." - Septima Poinsette Clark "Music creates order out of chaos..." - Yehudi Menuhin Don't Wait Too Long - Madeline Peyroux You can cry a million tears You can wait a million years If you think that time will change your ways Don't wait too long When your morning turns to night Who'll be loving you by candlelight If you think that time will change your ways Don't wait too long Maybe I got a lot to learn Time can slip away Sometimes you got to lose it all Before you find your way Take a chance, play your part Make romance, it might brake your heart But if you think that time will change your ways Don't wait too long It may rain, it may shine Love will age like fine red wine But if you think that time will change your ways Don't wait too long Maybe you and I got a lot to learn Don't waist another day Maybe you got to lose it all Before you find your way Take a chance, play your part Make romance, it might brake your heart But if you think that time will change your ways Don't wait too long Don't wait Hmm... Don't wait Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby... Weekend In New England - Barry Manilow All My Life - DJ Harry; Collision Sleeps With Butterflies - Tori Amos; Beekeeper Daily Overview for January 19, 2005 by Astrology.com Taurus Quickie:Don't jump the gun. Gather information and sources. Then make your move. Yesterday, I was taking a shower and while washing, I noticed a nickel sized lump on the underside of my left breast. As soon as I touched it, my hand flew away from it. Then I started laughing. I went to my doctor this morning and of course, nothing can be said without further tests. It is 2cm in diameter, about a nickel. The doctor told me that because it is a moving mass, I shouldn't worry too much. That made me chuckle. I mean, yes worry, but not TOO much. I told Dude. He's all like, you're fine. I'm nervous. I don't have a big life insurance policy. I will be absolutely worthless to my family in death. Dude would have to carry everything...temporarily alone and stressed. And we certainly don't want to have him rely on my parents with our kids ever again. I told my bestest friend about it and she told me not to think much into it yet...not until I get some real results. I told her that she should know me by now; I think about the Nth level so's I can get my shit together. She just laughed at me saying that I have my shit together more than anyone she knows. "Well," I said, "you know that I can't have the house a wreck before I check out." She told me to shut the fuck up as she laughed her ass off. I know, premature, but like I said, I like to make sure everything's in order...to make things easier for myself and those I care about the most. Why did my mother tell my daughter that she is too thin and needs to eat more? Bren then asked if he was ok. I was hyper-pissed! I told both of them that they are fine and that as long as they eat mostly whole foods and play. I gave them a mini nutrition lesson on whole and processed foods. Gramma just started working on her own weight and health issues at 52. When I was a kid, she said the same thing to me as she said to Guin and then turned around asking me a few years later if I wanted to look like her. She's always had problems with her weight; put me in the clean plate club and applauded my efforts of almost becoming anorexic when I was a teenager. She ended up in the hospital herself for anorexia when she was a teenager. She has no business telling anyone about healthy eating. I've worked most of my life throwing her issues off myself. I'll be damned if that fuckin' bitch is going to put any stigmas on my children. She and my father stuff Bren with 2 14" pizzas a day when he spends the night over their house and then scoff at me when his doctor and myself notice he's getting over-weight. They sneak him food! Then to tell my girl that she's too thin. That's fucked-up. I'm so tired of their shit. They also told Bren that "big boys don't cry." I threw a fuckin' fit about that. Explained to Bren that everyone cries; happy, sad, funny, love, etc. Crying isn't bad or good. It is an expression of emotion. I don't want to cease visitation because it will seem as if I'm doing it because of my problems with my folks. Bren and Guin will learn all on their own how toxic my parents are. But I think that I may have to impose supervised visitation. My parents trying to "teach" my children a sense of self, when they don't even sense themselves? No way! I'm just rambling now...fuck it. It's important to have a Sense of Self: I Think / Feel / Value...whatever/whomever. Interaction with people, creatures, etc. isn't always about relating...it is about empathy. holla@me Thursday, January 13, 2005
I feel so drained.
Last night as I was lying in bed. I was compelled to get up and just write. I was glad to do it. Thinking of putting it here, but I think what I wrote afterward gives me pause: Sitting here writing this, I'm shaking. So many emotions and memories that inundate me with a painful intensity. I would never wish those days gone or different. I wanted to make sure that I didn't forget how I felt. I couldn't believe that I was shaking! Anyways, with that on my mind, I just haven't thought about much else. Even now, I have butterflies. I think I need to process this a little more. Or turn it over to my alter-ego... "...the question suddenly occurred to him: "What if my whole life has been wrong?" It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might after all be true. It occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly placed people, those scarcely noticeable impulses which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false. And his professional duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family, and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. He tried to defend all those things to himself and suddenly felt the weakness of what he was defending. There was nothing to defend. "But if that is so," he said to himself, "and I am leaving this life with the consciousness that I have lost all that was given me and it is impossible to rectify it — what then?" He lay on his back and began to pass his life in review in quite a new way. In the morning when he saw first his footman, then his wife, then his daughter, and then the doctor, their every word and movement confirmed to him the awful truth that had been revealed to him during the night. In them he saw himself — all that for which he had lived — and saw clearly that it was not real at all, but a terrible and huge deception which had hidden both life and death. " - The Death of Ivan Ilyich; Leo Tolstoy Director of Client Services holla@me Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Watching this TWISTED movie called May. It is an independent: Lions Gate Films. That's the same company that did Frailty...loved that movie!
Some scattered thoughts I’ve had throughout the day… I’ll add more later. ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast Quickie: You'll never know if your request is reasonable unless you have the courage to ask. Overview: You're not into public displays of affection, but there's something about a tender kiss across a candlelit table that makes you melt. Order dessert -- one dessert, two forks. Sharing food can be sexy, too. Taurus Daily extended (by Astrology.com)There's absolutely nothing like the company of kindred spirits, as you well know. Thanks to the heavens playing up your earthy, permanence-loving side and your house of friendships, you'll be reminded of that now, via an insatiable urge to connect with like-minded others. You're after something that you instinctively know you can only get from them: camaraderie. There's also a distinct possibility that you'll come into contact with someone who'll end up being far more than 'just a friend.' Wear the red. Aries Daily extended (by Astrology.com)You have another day to do exactly what you know you were born to do: mingle. By late this evening, you'll be ready for at least a day off from socializing -- and you'll have it. The stars make sure you get a nice break from the spotlight. Even when it comes to a sign as fiery, outgoing and personable as yourself, it's easy to see how home might be the only place you'll really want to be now. Don't fight it. Think of it as a snuggle-fest. Libra Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Right now you're amply endowed with sensuality, charisma and an absolutely illegal amount of allure. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows you. Thanks to the stars, you're doubly lethal at the moment -- and you really should be careful where you aim this stuff. You know how potent your charm is. Now double that by a hundred -- or a thousand. Pisces Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Somewhere between late this afternoon and early this evening, you'll need to make a decision: whether to let a secret finally see the light of day, or keep it under wraps. Use that famous intuition of yours to make your decision. Remember to consider the future of all parties concerned. Don't feel guilty if your ultimate decision is to open up and let the truth be told. Every now and then, clearing the air is really the best tactic -- for everyone. Cheers to my Aries friends! I think I should stay away from the Libra today. *giggling* And just what is going on with Pisces today? One of the people I met at hot or not has changed his picture. He has The Rabbit from Donnie Darko AND Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force in his pic. I know I’ve seen that cow too damnit! That is one thing I’ve learned; there are a lot of small things that can connect folks together. I think one of the bigger pet peeves I have is people’s expectations of others reading their minds. I get emotional and mental vibrations from people. That is by no means being able to straight-cold read every thought a person has. What's wrong with a little direct conversation? Why do people wait until the miscommunications starts before they "talk it out?" But I'm a hypocrite. I say a lot of things that are on my mind quite a bit but I clam up when it comes to really putting my heart on my sleeve. ONE WEEK - Barenaked Ladies Dumb thing “I said” of the day:My doctor told me that I’m anemic and need to start taking iron pills. I’ve been feeling run down. Dude picked some up for me; I took one. I thought about it and mentioned that giving blood could be the cause of my anemia. Dude noticed he too has been feeling fatigued. I brought the pills to him. While swallowing, the iron pill stuck to the underneath of his tongue. I said, “Did it taste nasty?” He said, “I’m sure they do, but I couldn’t taste it because there’re no taste buds under my tongue.” I said, in an afflicted, dumb voice, “You’re right!” It could be because I was hi… USATODAY.com - Revised food pyramid to emphasize calories, exercise I don't agree with "many adults need to exercise for 60 minutes or more to prevent weight gain, and people who have lost weight may need to exercise for 60 to 90 minutes to keep it off." Metabolism can change. If it can get slower it can speed up too. I know, I've done both. Taking a Survey today, I was able to express my personal preference. I love that. A1.The cheese steak sub looked real good on the commercial. It made me want to go to McDonald's and get one. So I did. The meats texture was as if during the processing, gristle was added to make it seem like steak. All that needed to be done was to use "Steak-Ummms" A2.The cheese steak subs meat texture was as if during the processing, gristle was added to make it seem like steak. All that needed to be done was to use "Steak-Ummms" I think it will be good if you do that. It reads a little simple, but I was feeling simple at the time…It is McD’s Knowledge and Intelligence kinesiology holla@me Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Hero was right on! I need to watch it a couple more times though; so pretty and awesome action.
Watched Stepford Wives, new version, again. It is still funny! I love the irony. There is always a method to my madness. Ha! And indeed the madness is mine! It is spreading... Question I'd like to pose: Do you have any piercings? Or would like to get pierced? Or have particular places you like to see people pierced? tragus, daith, nostril Too cold to type anymore tonight. Heard a song today, wrote down part of the lyrics. I didn't catch the band name or the song name. I'll find it damn it. I just don't like to wait for it. Angel – Sarah McLachlan; Surfacing Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here holla@me
So to continue with my thought of sleeping the sleep…
Yes, I may come off as haughty and assuming, but knowing that I did nothing to cause a person to go off the deep-end, when they see the error of their ways, I feel secure in my skin. I had a dream last night. Erotic, strange, exciting…why were YOU in it? The INXS songs are from an outside influence but I felt them nonetheless. December `63 – Frankie Valley and The Four Seasons Mystify – INXS; Kick American Idiot – Green Day; American Idiot Across the Universe – The Beatles; Let It Be Big Weenie – Eminem; Encore Never Tear Us Apart – INXS; Kick Birthday – The Sugarcubes; Life’s Too Good Ass Like That - Eminem; Encore (ROFL That bastard's a trip!) All Around the World – Lisa Stansfield; Affection Norwegian Wood – The Beatles; Rubber Soul Love You More – Eminem; Encore Need You Tonight – INXS; Kick holla@me
"English Motherfucker, do you speak it?!" - Jules; Pulp Fiction
He's my favorite character. I guess `cause I relate to his attitude. That can be a good or bad thing...I guess. holla@me
Saw After the Sunset yesterday…it was all right. I was with better company which made it bearable. Oh and Einstein Bros. Bagel shop’s Tasty Turkey bagel-wich was fab! The chips they provided weren’t Utz and so I didn’t even bother to try them.
After returning home, I discovered Dude listening to Green Day – American idiot CD! Apparently, Bill stopped by while I was out, leaving a note and 2 CD’s. The one I mentioned and Eminem – Encore. BILL YOU ROCK! Of course I have to give them back, but *muah*! You lovely! So yesterday was a pretty good day. ~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^* Wha-what!?! Crazy horoscopes leading today. Dude you know that anything you can think-up, I can put it into motion. Taurus Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Stop worrying, even though it's one of the things you're best at. You've followed all the rules and done things right, even in the eyes of those higher-ups who were looking to find fault with you. In short, you've been tested and found to be right on top of your game. So if one of the powers that be seems to be acting oddly, force yourself to relax. Who knows what's going on in their world? Leo Daily extended (by Astrology.com)When it comes to relationships, you're not up for anything even remotely resembling routine. This doesn't necessarily mean that you'll try to entice a current partner to dangle from the ceiling -- although you might be a bit more 'open' with someone new if you're single -- but it certainly does mean that you're in the mood to try something different. The good news is that you won't be at all afraid to mention this to whoever you're with -- oh, and you'll have an extremely receptive audience. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but those nanny cams that people use to secretly record what is going on in their homes when they aren’t present are illogical! If I ever had need to procure in-home child-care from a stranger, I would not purchase a nanny cam to secretly record them. I would purchase perfectly viewable cameras (and a few hidden) and let the person know right up front that I record what happens in my home when I’m not there. Why would anyone suspicious of a problem with the nanny and the children, wait to view something that they can do nothing about after the fact? I don’t want to find out afterward that someone has been abusing my child! That is insane! The damage could already be done. Plus, in some cases it is illegal to audio or video record people without their knowledge or consent. If nanny doesn’t consent, then there’s a reason for that…I don’t want you. A funny: This morning after dropping my girl off at school, I was leaving the school. People drive horribly around the school. People in MD drive horribly anyway! It’s disgusting. Driving is an attention oriented, precision activity. One MUST drive well in order to be safe; that is why there are laws mandating how citizens are to drive. But anyways… I was trying to turn onto a 2-way street, but the people trying to turn onto the 1-way street I was on, were right in the middle of the 2-way street! I was able to get onto the street because my depth perception is stellar. I stopped, waiting for the cars to move over. This one woman looked at me and started mouthing-off, lookin’ dead at me. So once I got up along side of her, I looked dead at her; dead-pan face. I broke into this big smile and then went back to dead-pan and drove on. Bitch! Don’t start…get out the fuckin’ car! Heh-heh, I’m mean. Mean people suck. I do suck… But I’m so nice; too nice, some think. I give a lot to people that I consider friends. I am very generous and am proud of that. I feel like I have a lot and I'm blessed. But you fuck with me, treat me like a piece of shit on your shoe, I can be as cruel as I am generous and that is a bad thing for those subjected to it. It is a rare occasion and there is a reason for it. I don’t like to just be mean. Some people think that I’m naïve and look at Life through rose colored glasses. I grew up exposed to people doing really evil things to others. I know how to be evil. I made a decision long ago not to be that way. So, I seem innocent because I don’t do those sort of things; not because I don’t know how to. Unless provoked and then… I sleep the sleep of the Just when I know that I am right in my actions and behavior of another’s poor actions and behavior. If I am at fault for something, I’m restless and feel the need to make amends. If I know that someone is in the wrong with how they treat me, well then I feel entitled to any reparations or apologies given. I accept them graciously of course, but those who know me, know my feelings. I have some songs... but I have other work to do. Will get back to them later. holla@me Monday, January 10, 2005
My bio-dad says this is our song. Stevie Wonder and I have the same birthdate...I didn't know that!
Isn't She Lovely – Stevie Wonder Isn't she lovely Isn't she wonderful Isn't she precious Less than one minute old I never thought through love we'd be Making one as lovely as she But isn't she lovely made from love Isn't she pretty Truly the angel's best Boy, I'm so happy We have been heaven blessed I can't believe what God has done Through us he's given life to one But isn't she lovely made from love Isn't she lovely Life and love are the same Life is Aisha The meaning of her name Londie, it could have not been done Without you who conceived the one That's so very lovely made from love holla@me Sunday, January 09, 2005
Funny, this is how I decided to work my day out today! I don't need a horoscope to tell me what I do! *laughing out loud*
ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast Quickie: This obstacle may be heavy, but it's no match for your hidden strength. Overview: It's time to relax, enjoy the best of life and revel in the fact that others are, after all, capable of being at least half as civil, polite and refined as you are on a daily basis. Daily extended (by Astrology.com)You've got two good things going for you. First, you're in total relaxation mode -- reading the paper in bed, sipping overpriced caffeine and ignoring the phone. It's your day to devote to total hedonism. Then there's the fact that the rest of the world will be ready to assume full responsibility for whatever they say or do, the way that you do on a regular basis. Yep. It's just good to be you. I've been doing nothing but writing or typing. Ouch! My digital recorder broke. The company we bought it from is sending a new one, so that's good. I loved having it. So today is the first cold day in a while and my fingers are so cold they feel like they're going to shatter. Bending them is painful. I hate it. Being cold makes me nauseous. I don't care who I'm with, I may ask them to hold my hand if their hand is warmer than mine. If I'm alone, I put my hands under very hot water for several minutes. I love how my hands get red and under my nails get white from the heat. So of course, with having tragically dry skin, I must keep a good moisturizer with me. I hate to be cold. Hope bought Hero DVD! She wants me to come over tomorrow, but I can't. I have a couple errands, one of them being the doctor needing more bloodwork from me. And I have to get prepared for workups before I can have my surgeries. I'm glad I'm able to take care of it now...that I've made time. It's not good that I procrastinate when it comes to myself. So anyway back to HERO...I can't wait to see it. I love watching Jet Li move! Watched Seven Samurai...again. Toshiro Mifume ROX MY SOX! holla@me
Eerie... this was for yesterday.
ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast Quickie: There's no such thing as free cash. Everything has an eventual cost. Overview: Still feeling irresponsible, reckless and a wee bit out of control? Since all those emotions are alien to your species, you might want to keep your favorite chaperone on for another day -- at least. Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Although you're ordinarily the very soul of caution, especially when it comes to financial affairs, you're suddenly feeling rather un-cautious. That doesn't mean you should be any less wary of strangers bearing gifts, however, no matter how convincing their pitches. In fact, at this moment in time, you might want to be even more careful. Think of it as watching out for your future, and don't let anyone sweet-talk you out of it. Well nothing irresponsible or reckless went on in my life yesterday. Didn't feel the need for a chaperone. I almost bought some McFrench Fries...but didn't. holla@me
Starsky & Hutch was funny. I used to watch the show when I was a kid so it was decent to see a parody of it.
Huggy: To err is human. To forgive, devine. Hutch: Who said that? Huggy: I believe it was God, the biggest MACK of ALL. *grin* Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance was different; I liked it. We watched the first segment of the trilogy. M; that was a good movie. A German film with Peter Lorre as the first cinematic serial killer. Well, busy day today...yesterday, I should say. Cleaning; putting away a few remnants from Christmas, warrantee info and such. Relaxing too. Just got back from playing poker at a friends house. It was fun. I don’t know how to play. I had fun though, losing and winning chips. Lost miserably! Haha I figured out one facet of how I play my Life: Take it as it comes and when you get lemons, make lemonade. Afternoon Delight - The Starland Vocal Band Too tired to think of anything else right now… holla@me Friday, January 07, 2005
Oh Steve, you know one of the ways to my heart! The kids scattered my dice through 3 different residences so I'm gonna have to buy new, damnit!
So for the 2nd year in a row, Jen was asleep well before midnight...anyways, the guys (Big Steve, Tony and Fritz) and I are going to be trying to play D&D again. We will be playing about once a month but our schedules just won't allow more these days. You are more then welcome to join us if you like. We will be playing Jan 22nd this month and it will probably be like from 3:00 to 9:00 or so. No set finish time but we are old and don't stay out too late these days. *Laughing my ass off* Steve told me years ago that he would not live anymore after 26. I asked him how he was going to pull that off sans suicide. He stated, "I just will not live after 26." He is 34 now. It was so cool how we met. Steve, Tony and I "met" 1989...they went to Poly and I Western. Tony used to do these huge belches in the Quad...it would echo off all of Western and Polys' inner exterior walls. It was so damn funny! Again in 1992, I "met" them at The Rage (that no longer exists) in downtown B-more. Tony was drummer in the band Lyme and Steve was (lookin' damn good with his ultra-long hair pulled back in a tail) at the show supporting local music. In 1993, I REALLY met Steve when he got hired at RMF, an engineering firm I worked at. Then we pieced everything together...I met and was made honorary member of "The Gang" and it's been kicks ever since. Another "funny how the world works" moment. holla@me
It seems so strange, I have such a low rating at hot or not and yet everyday I get a list of people that want to "touch base." Well, I've always felt that I looked "ok" and that I'd better have some fuckin' personality! So 5 on looks and 5 on the rest. *grin/giggle*
And the conversations with the people I'm meeting at hot or not are generally good...a few refreshingly outstanding! That is what I love about being online. You meet people from all over the world! Not just a handful of people that are within the 30 mile radius inwhich you reside. Why would I stay in my own pond? Not all of being online and meeting people online is about "cybering." Only the superficial freaks think that. Even talking to people living in the same country or continent I am but a different state/location is interesting. I love the different perspectives, opinions, attitudes and insights from people Not from where I live. I'm actually surprised when I meet someone from MD that is "interesting." You know what though? THEY are surprised too! I think that's pitiful. What a world, what a world! holla@me
Man sues reality TV show for $2.5 million over rat-eating episode
Thu Jan 6, 5:45 PM ET Crimes and Trials - Court TV I've stated this several times...I don't know if here or not, but more likely than not. Richard Bachman (Stephen King) was in a prophetic trance when he wrote The Running Man. Much as Ray Bradbury was for Fahrenheit 451. We are now living in a day and age where "reality TV" has taken over our huge screen TV's and people will do anything for money just as the Networks will do anything for ratings. It truly is disgusting. Years ago, I hadn't watched TV in over 8 years and was glad for it. After I had Bren, I started watching TV because it was easy to do while nursing him. But I noticed these shows that SUCKED. And "the sheep" being told that these were what they wanted to watch. And the sheep just lapped it up, now hooked to the mundane, distorted and deplorable. Who's reading the New York Bestseller's list? The critics? Why are people choosing to dumb themselves down? It's the end of the world as we know it. Why am I here? holla@me
Greatest Love of All - written by Michael Masser & Linda Creed
Few songs, I want to type them out, because of the meaning they have for me: War of the Hearts - Sade; Promise i could aim but i could not fire got a bullet to spare to kill my desire who’s calling the shots one of us must make the peace to have or to have not the fire has got to cease i’m loaded don’t know where to point this thing it’s a sin how we hit where it hurts who’s calling the shots one of us must end this masquerade to have or to have not let’s heal the wounds that we’ve made it’s a war of the hearts it’s a war of the hearts got a bullet to spare, don’t wanna send it your way who’s calling the shots one of us must make the peace to have or to have not the fire has got to cease it’s a war of the hearts it’s a war of the hearts i’m loaded don’t know where to point this thing it’s a sin how we hit where it hurts one of us got to end this masquerade got to heal the wounds that we made i’ve got a bullet to spare don’t wanna send it your way if you wanna end it if you wanna end it just say it’s a war of the hearts it’s a war of the hearts (got to end this masquerade) i’ve got a bullet to spare don’t want to send it your way if you want to end it if you want to end it just say My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow Jezebel - Sade; Promise Lucky Star - Madonna Mr. Wrong - Sade; Promise Jesse's Girl - Rick Springfield This isn’t from my perspective…just something I sensed. If You’re Gone – Matchbox 20 I think I've already lost you I think you're already gone I think I'm finally scared now You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong I think you're already leaving Feels like your hand is on the door I thought this place was an empire But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure I think you're so mean - I think we should try I think I could need - this in my life I think I'm just scared - I think too much I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home There's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move If you're gone - baby you need to come home Cuz there's a little bit of something me In everything in you I bet you're hard to get over I bet the room just won't shine I bet my hands I can stay here I bet you need - more than you mind I think you're so mean - I think we should try I think I could need - this in my life I think I'm just scared - that I know too much I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home There's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move If you're gone - baby you need to come home Cuz there's a little bit of something me In everything in you I think you're so mean - I think we should try I think I could need - this in my life I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home There's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move If you're gone - baby you need to come home Cuz there's a little bit of something me In everything in you GMTA! Met a male online and it seems we are on the same wavelength. Scary actually. He feels that too. I love meeting new people; making friends that hopefully last. I'm not looking to consume people. I just am. It is why I usually stay "cold" to people. I tried explaining this to a rl 'friend' but was laughed at. (I told this person a few things that I don't tell everyone I know or meet. I feel like I've given-up a lot but that isn't how it's taken. We can't be friends without 'IT' (loyalty, maybe) being proven. That's too high-maintenance for me. Take me as I am.) I work hard at not flirting; I don't turn on all the charm. I exist and interact. I don't want to be a tease unless it's a mutual desire; I'd have folks hating me otherwise. Virtual Memory holla@me Thursday, January 06, 2005
Whew, have been massively entertained lately. Nice!
Tainted Love - Soft Cell Sex & Candy - Marcy Playground Angel - Aerosmith holla@me
This song just brought me to tears driving home. Didn't I just write something about this yesterday? She beat me to it. Oh well, another 1%-er. I know where she's coming from, absolutely.
Anna Nalick - Breathe (2am) 2am and she calls me `cause I'm still awake Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season. Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason. Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button girl So just cradle your head in your hands. And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year Here in town you can tell he's been down for while But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around 2am and I'm still awake writing this song If it get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...yeah breathe Just breathe, ohho breathe. You Don't Own Me - Blow Monkeys You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys. You don't own me, Don't say I can't go with other boys. Don't tell me what to do, And don't tell me what to say, Please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display, 'cause... You don't own me, Don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me, Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay. Oh I don't tell you what to say, And I don't tell you what to do, So just let me be myself, That's all I ask of you. I'm young and I love to be young, I'm free yeh and I want to be free, To live my life the way I want, To say and do whatever I please. [INSTRUMENTAL] Don't tell me what to do, And you don't tell me what to say, And please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display 'Cause I don't I don't tell you what to say, And I... I don't tell you what to do... holla@me
Traveling music. To my destination:
Run-Around - Blues Traveler Once upon a midnight dearie I woke with something in my head I couldn't escape the memory Of a phone call and of what you said Like a game show contestant with a parting gift I could not believe my eyes When I saw through the voice of a trusted friend Who needs to humor me and tell me lies Yeah humor me and tell me lies And I'll lie too and say I don't mind And as we seek so shall we find And when you're feeling open I'll still be here But not without a certain degree of fear Of what will be with you and me I still can see things hopefully But you Why you wanna give me a run-around Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up When all it does is slow me down And shake me and my confidence About a great many things But I've been there I can see it cower Like a nervous magician waiting in the wings Of a bad play where the heroes are right And nobody thinks or expects too much And Hollywood's calling for the movie rights Singing hey babe let's keep in touch Hey baby let's keep in touch But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me And show me all the things no one else can see So what you feel becomes mine as well And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell What's yours and mine the fishing's fine And it doesn't have to rhyme so don't feed me a line But you Why you wanna give me a run-around Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up When all it does is slow me down Tra la la la la bomba dear this is the pilot speaking And I've got some news for you It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop And there ain't a whole lot that you can do Oh sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder Perhaps I've grown a little cynical But I know no matter what the waitress brings I shall drink in and always be full My cup shall always be full Oh I like coffee And I like tea I'd like to be able to enter a final plea I still got this dream that you just can't shake I love you to the point you can no longer take Well all right okay So be that way I hope and pray That there's something left to say But you Why you wanna give me a run-around Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up When all it does is slow me down But you Why you wanna give me a run-around Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up When all it does is slow me down It's My Life - No Doubt Beautiful - Christina Aguilera Can you tell I watched Dirty Dancing today? In The Still of the Night - Five Satins She's Like the Wind - Patrick Swayze Stay - Maurice Williams & The Zodiacs Love Is Strange - Mickey & Sylvia Drive home music. I needed this music; it helped me so much on my drive to pick up my Schmoopee: If Only You Could See - Tonic Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick This Love - Maroon 5 holla@me
Just when I need My Girl, she's there letting me know I'm not the nutty-bitch I worry I am:
When did Mark Wahlberg start resembling David Duchovny? It's rather eerie. ;-) And yes . . . Brad & Benicio are long lost twins. Now, whenever I see a photo of one of them, I squint, and it morphs into the other one. (also eerie) *This was my observation...she concurs! heehee* =+= Seriously . . . how are you doing? Did I misunderstand, or did you say that you'll be having that corrective surgery soon? I hope you have stopped flogging yourself. You are such a beautiful person (inside and out), but you are sooooooooo hard on yourself. Thank you for the holiday invitation (I guess it's the same party you and Baris told me about on Friday)--I just saw the invitation a few minutes ago. The on-again, off-again pain in Alex's ears just recently ended, and I didn't want to take him out. *My godson/nephew! It's terrible when they're sick* P.S. surprise surprise . . . my insomnia is back *We both have a problem with this, but her's is way worse than mine. I wish I could take that away for her...* Thank you so much Queen. I needed to know you were still out there. ...and Steve & Tony & Doug & John & Stacy & Rich & Christy & Michelle & family...what did I do, send out a psychic message? Stand-off or stand-still? holla@me Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I sent an old guy pal *should I mention we were fuck buddies?* New Year's greetings yesterday. We used to be co-workers *how he enticed me those years ago was classic* and would go to movies all the time. We still keep in touch and talk every now and then. I haven't had a phone conversation with him in a long time. Well, he sent me something today, updating his digits and we still got to get together and all. He called me Girly!!! Oh, I'm gonna have to kick his ass for that. He did that on purpose; No Doubt! He knows the importance I place on words and titles. *muah* ya dick! rofl
I can't believe that I didn't invite him to the New Year's party. What an idiot I am! Fuckin' dumbass. It's interesting that he was a county boy now living in the city...about 1.5mi away from us. It's crazy coincidences like that, that keep me grounded. He told me that he has a girlfriend that is as crazy as me *yeah, he knows me to be "crazy"* I'm interested to see how well he's done for himself. I've always... holla@me
Women Who Run With the Wolves is awesome! So many ideas that have floated in my head through out my life, while being told to stifle them. Still! Feelings, behaviors, sensations, perceptions...I know now that I've been trying to become natural again. Running away from this processed, collagenous, super-sized, shallow world to focus on the innate. That and making sure that my son is doing his tests concise and neat.
By Your Side - Sade; Lover's Rock She's Leaving Home - The Beatles; Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Forgive Them Father - Lauryn Hill; The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill holla@me
I recall telling a friend of mine that uploading my pic at hot or not was not the exhibitionist in me. That's my science experiment which I'm suspecting is being tampered with, but I don't know for sure, haha. I can do nothing about how my physical appearance is nor how people perceive it. My clothes, hair and accoutrements are something I have control over. Of course I care how I look but I'm a realist. I don't like the fakeness that people put out there passing it off as themselves. That is why I rarely wear makeup except something on my lips; never foundation.
It is the weblogs that I have...that is my exhibitionistic tendency revealed: for good or ill. What I show of my mind and believe me this isn't half of what floats in it, can show a person that may or may not be screwed-up. I figure that if I put myself out there like this then no one can do it for me. That happened to me once; my mother being the one to leave me in the lurch. I get by. I do what I can to be a strange, geeky, conscientious person yet still have my fun. Sometimes I want more, but I weigh the cost...always weighing the cost. This life has shown me you never get something for nothing. Over-analyzation is when you think a situation so much that you come to the wrong conclusion. I do everything to make sure I don't do that; have my core group of friends that are willing to be my sounding-board. B- and D- tell me all the time that I'm usually too nice and forgiving. But they are both Leo's and are always protecting me. I think it's important to think and look at all facets of the prism that is a situation...well, not every one, the situations that matter. I don't know why I've gotten wrapped up in horoscopes. I read them and laugh usually. Hope usually sends me hers, mine and Dudes. I guess it's because at this point in time the horoscopes seem to be following what is going on around me right now. They don't run my life, that's for sure. They're getting boring. I should focus my reading on other things. Sleep To Dream & Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple; Tidal nihilism, nihilistic holla@me |
