Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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ok, let me amend what I typed earlier...
I don't feel my horoscope is completely fucked.
As I have decided to NOT let my Grinchy-ness to take over completely, I thought of the ones that I love and care about. Why wouldn't I take a more loving route and "hear/feel" a person out.
My friend Aley and I weren't talkin' for a bit. It hurt. I stated it to some but not to her. Because see, I am extremely aware of a person controlling- (the power to influence people's behavior or the course of events; the restriction of an activity, tendency or phenomenon; a device by which a machine (or person*muah-hahahaha*) is regulated; v. have control or command of; (control for) take into account (an extraneous factor that might affect the results of an experiment) and manipulating- (handle or control with dexterity; examine an object or part of the body by feeling or moving part of the body; control or influence cleverly or unscrupulously) a situation;to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage;alter or present (data) so as to mislead) me and others. I am a Witness. It is how it is. In order to accomplish our goals, for good or ill, we must maneuver, finesse, beguile, exploit, direct, engineer, and manage (I love the thesaurus) the people, places, and things, in our environment. It is how it is.

When I sense someone stepping over my boundaries, i give back to them what they do. I learned that lesson from someone...she did it a little vindictively (in my most humble opinion *wink*), and I got the message. And if it were a different life, maybe one where we were in the same state, and she allowed it...(oh damn, never mind. boy is my mind wandering).
The said person, gets what they give to me. If they're nice, I'm nice. Some have thought I was too nice and didn't think I could Domme... jeez, why is this on my mind tonight!? Ok, I need to write about this...

Aley and I settled our issues and got it back in such a way that I even asked her to handle something for me. I gave her a hat I knew she loved for Christmas. And I think I bought it for her. We were all (Aley, my sis, Bren and Guin) at the Towson festival and it was so much fun! I got that and a Braddock screen-print shirt of Morrissey. B- and I loved that shirt to pieces. *smile*
She also said she really needed a hug. She knows who to come to. *yippie-yippie* She loves B- and my hugs. The feeling is absolutely mutual. Hugs are an outstanding, tactile tangible, warm, obvious way of showing the positive, support, care, comfort, love, friendship, etc.
I can tell when it isn't reciprocated.
And I know some people that associate touch, including hugs and back scratches, with sex. Now these are sensuous* acts that can have a sensual* meaning; they are comfortable and feel really good. That is why they are fun. but that doesn't mean yaddayaddayadda.

So I asked her what was up with us? And she said she didn't know and then rephrased that to 'Nothing, it's not you." I think that she realized that she backed the wrong people, got burned, and is moving back to where she knows she's loved. She's still got her "things" going on, but I can't fault a person for making a mistake.
We had a Fuck You Moment that lasted a few moons. She's seemed to have gotten over the fact that I know and was talking to a person that she despises. I didn't tell her my news on that person...she doesn't need to know everything; her control issue is what our issue was about.
So yay on that!
My sister is coming into town I think. I sent my mother an e-mail about how I felt about that but she changed her e-addy and never gave it to me for 4 months.
She tried to step on my boundaries a couple of times.
Christmas shopping for the kids...I'll expound later.
Bren being able to play his game at her house while they spent the night. Even though she KNOWS, as I have made it crystal clear, that he has the privilege of playing video games of any kind, including the PC and games on DVD bonus disks.
I explained directly that would show a huge lack in consistency and that is exactly what my genius of a son is looking for every moment. That is why he loves Grandma and Pappap's house. But the boy loves it here too. He's been so affectionate lately and I love it! Guin of course, is always affectionate. She was born that way. She gave me mastitis because she loved to be close to her Mama.

My mother-in-law and step-father-in-law felt the need to bring up that we weren't just friends for almost 2 years before we decided to be The Dude and his woman. I looked at them and stated for the record, "I'm confused. Why do you keep saying that even when we tell you how it was?" I wonder, why do they refuse to accept that? We both had cars, were very mobile and able. I was engaged when I met B- and he was going with this girl. I broke up with my X, got a fuck buddy (NOT B-) and played the field for a bit to see what was out there. I had it going so damn fine. Then I mentioned my thinking of running an escort of one (myself) and Dude couldn't believe it. He was going out with other people. We were best friends and we had it so damn fine. *laughin' my ass off* Oh God that was a helluva time! Ok, enough of that for right now.

So's they kept implying that we couldn't have just been friends all that time. That is so controlling!
I fuckin' loath that behavior from all of them. It makes it hard to be nice.

Recommend reading: Controlling People; If You Had Controlling Parents; Toxic Parents; Emotional Blackmail.
I have had my boundaries trampled on since a child. I had to learn where boundaries are acceptably made, when they are trampled, when I trample them, what limits others have. I can go overboard but I don't want to. I know how I felt to have a person fuck around with me. That doesn't keep friends. It's frustrating and humiliating; feel always on your guard. Anything like that needs to be consensual! Safe, Sane, Consensual = Power Exchange (B-'s been talkin' about wanting to get into that! woo-hoo)
Don't come throwin' your baggage up in my space and try to make me wear them with you. I have family that treat me like dat; why do I need you?
I try to use my abilities for good. I try really hard to be fair and open to discussion, especially if it is a critical issue that I have. That's because I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them. And everybody has the right to be listened to and cared for and paid attention to. And I so enjoy doing that; serving, pleasing, titillating, gratifying and amusing the people I love. voluptuous

*Usage sensual
The words sensual and sensuous are frequently used interchangeably to mean 'gratifying the senses', especially in a sexual sense. This goes against a traditional distinction, by which senuous is the more neutral term, meaning 'relating to the senses rather than the intellect'. Evidense suggests that the 'neutual' use of sensuous is rare in modern English; if a netrual use is intended it is advisable to use alternative wording. - Concise Oxford English Dictionary/2002

I think it is a shame that the linguistic use and ability of the English language is slipping into oblivion. We are now using smaller words with less syllables and smaller, less accurate intent. I think that when we were children, our vocabulary was limited. One has to thirst for knowledge, seek it, find it and use it. And people should want to learn rather than feel inferior. I'll ask if I don't know. You can look down on me and think I'm stupid for it. You don't have to worry about me being around you if you are that way. Life's too fuckin' short to be around that bullshit. And if I do that to you; call me on it. But expect a conversation; there is always a different perspective and I'll want to hash it out and find ways to change it.

I've just been playing with colors and everything...no cohesion at all.

holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 01:02