Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



Are You HOT or NOT?

Lyrics Search

ArtistTitle

ARCHIVES
04.2001 05.2001 06.2001 07.2001 08.2001 09.2001 10.2001 11.2001 12.2001 01.2002 03.2002 04.2002 05.2002 06.2002 07.2002 08.2002 09.2002 11.2002 01.2003 03.2003 04.2003 05.2003 08.2003 03.2004 04.2004 05.2004 07.2004 11.2004 12.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 04.2006 05.2006 10.2006 11.2006 01.2007 02.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 11.2007 12.2007 05.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008

ambercyn's Daily Taurus Forecast
Quickie: Is everyone letting you down? Or are your expectations unreasonably high?
Overview: The secrets you've been dealing with over the past few days are officially a thing of the past, but be prepared to make amends. It's time to deliver or accept apologies. Either way, do it graciously.

Cure songs from Wish
trust
cut
end

Depeche Mode songs from 101, Cassettes 1&2
Behind the Wheel - woo, this song always gets me hot.
Strangelove
Sacred
Things You Said
Stripped
People are People
Never Let Me Down Again
Master and Servant

A person that I feel may be toxic told me last night that I'm obsessed with manipulation. That I see it around me all the time. Well, when I ask someone to get me a drink of water, that is manipulation. Peeling an orange, making tea, etc...
I thought about it and reflected for a moment. Yes, I feel manipulation is going on all around me. Manipulation is neither good nor bad; it is the intent or implied intent.
*Yeah, sure I have a kink for D/s. But I don't put everyone on my potential kink-list. I love to dominate a willing partner; watching how much they want to be dominated and showing me appreciation for my passion. I also love the idea of not being in control; to be at another's whim. I've done both, love both and just accept that as a preference of mine. But that doesn't mean I can't "act" vanilla. Of course I separate THAT from my normal interactions with people. I already have an outlet for what I desire. THAT is all about awareness, consent and sex or no sex.*
So I thought about it more and I realize that I don't trust him anymore. That is why I can't get past this.
It took weeks for him to finally admit that he was being rude when we were chatting. "But"...he says, 'but I didn't have to lash out at him because of it.' I didn't lash out. I typed him a dickhead and "bye yo." He tells me I assumed that he wasn't going to talk to him anymore. He didn't talk to me for 4 days. He assumes that because I asked him what his expectations are of me that I think he wants to have sex with me. Well, 1 he's a guy; it's always on their mind. But with me? I don't care! It's not like it's gonna happen; women I talk to about that say beware. He wants to point out all my errors in why this happened while conveniently "omitting" his. When I bring up that point (because I am indignant to his omitting...it IS lying no matter how he's rationalized it), then I get accused of trying to get the last word in. Turning events around so they aren't in the correct order of occurrence...flimflamming words; picking up on and assimilating phrases I use, but not in the way I intended them...
Some of the correspondence I sent to him was to get a response. Others were to have him think. Still others were to make him feel.
See, I care about him; think he has a lot of potential; understand some of his pain. But now, I'm also learning to despise him. I feel like when I try to come out and say anything, there's a 20 foot high, foot thick glass wall between us. I can see him and vice versa but we can't hear.
He doesn't even see that I treated/treat him the way he treated/treats me. He doesn't understand that I'm not trying to hurt him, or to control him; I'm telling him how I feel. I just want to be treated the way he demands to be treated. He just doesn't give the same courtesy. He doesn't understand that it is me controlling myself. What I type out and send is me laid bare, but he only sees things as he would do them. I'm not bluffing; I'm letting him know that I'll do what I have to do. I know when I'm out of my league.
One of my friends that knew him told me that she knew it would eventually happen to me; now he has managed to "put off" all of her friends. And I was actually trying to understand what he had against her; I don't believe it anymore. I think it's just that he doesn't know how to treat people and is intolerant to us grumbling about his behavior.
It's a slippery slope and there is no equal footing with him unless I fall into the mould that he sees me in. I get quiet and listen to what he has to say, but he throws out insults that he tries to pass as genuine observations about me, and then he says nothing else. I feel like he thinks I'm stunned by what he says, when in all actuality I'm trying to see past his hurt bullshit and... fuck it.
Dude asks, why do I care to continue? I don't think he's much of a friend except on his level. I feel I've done more for him than he has for me; driving him around and all. I thought I was making a good investment. Last I checked, my name was spelled A-M-B-E-R not D-O-O-R-M-A-T. It doesn't make much sense to be involved with a person that makes me feel mistrust, dislike and guarded. We'll be happier free of each other. It's obvious isn't it? Why continue?
If what he said was true, then I would have no friends. I wouldn't be able to keep them. But I do have friends in all walks of life. What he said doesn't make sense.

If I have to forget you, I will. ~~A.C.Smith That wasn't a threat; it was me showing my pain.
I will not be a groupie-girl, up your ass. You better call some chick that's willing to deal with that shit `cause I ain't The One. ~~A.C.Smith That was a blunt, bare-bones statement that encompasses the way I feel about this whole situation.

What I typed was intentional. I meant every word I said, especially the caring ones. But I cannot be treated in the manner he feels entitled to treat me. And I don't want to invest anymore time or words on him. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't hear me.

This fits into how I feel about the Asia disaster:
Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode



holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 08:54