Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Monday, November 08, 2004
I've typed this and sent it to my Mother. It was very hard to do it...i've been conditioned to never upset my parents. It has affected me, depressed, exhausted and critical of others. I should have given these feelings/emotions/behaviors to whom it belonged, but my sorry-ass gave it to the ones that matter most. I am sorry, so sorry and I will make it up to y'all: Baris, Brendon, Guinevere...forgive me? November 5, 2004 Dear Mom, - I have decided to write my thoughts and feelings instead of trying to express them directly to you for several reasons. One is that I have become afraid of your anger whenever I try to discuss “us” with you. I get all jumbled up and I can’t think clearly and I know I don’t express myself adequately. For another, you constantly interrupt and cut me off when I say something you don’t want to hear. By putting what want to say on paper, I have the chance to organize my thoughts and to state them clearly. - We have this dysfunctional relationship. I didn’t make it this way. I started out as a baby. You were the adult; the nurturer and caretaker from the beginning of my existence. The type of relationship we have is what you made, not me. I don’t want the relationship to stay like this. I’m an adult and with the way you treat me, if you weren’t my mother, I would not take the disrespect. Through your actions, words and demeanor, I’ve felt like a second class citizen. I have no thoughts, feelings and emotions with you it seems. I’m not allowed to feel hurt or angry by your words and behavior. If I do tell you, you get offended and won’t talk to me. You cannot keep stepping over my boundaries and expect me to keep allowing it. I cannot be in a relationship with anyone that will not compromise or react to what one says or does. I had no choice when I was a child, I certainly do now. - The relationship that you created for us has been nothing but you able to be rude, nasty, cruel and disrespectful while I must guard my tongue and turn the other cheek because a child isn’t allowed to treat a parent as the parent treats the child. You treat co-workers and strangers better than me because you don’t want them to think you’re a “bad” person. You could give 2 shits what I think about you. Please, treat me like a co-worker. I’d rather be treated with polite aloofness than with the familial disrespect. - For a long time, with the hurtful things you’ve said and continue to say, I’ve worried about speaking out because of retaliation from you. I see that no matter how many times I turn the other cheek, even with no provocation from me, you’ll still do it! So from now on I’m going to call you on your words. You may want to watch what you say. - I’ve felt different from your family ever since I was a kid. A special bond between you and R and J. A special bond between you and dad. I didn’t feel a part of it. I felt that you’ve tried to love them more by your actions and love me more by your words so that there wasn’t any jealously among us. It didn’t work. The “bond” that you have with R & J, I don’t want. I prefer the critical eye you give me. The love from a distance (conditional love) I hate, but if that’s all you can give…Part of me doesn’t want that either because it’s only a tease. (To be asked who I thought my parents loved the most…and to be told that my brother and sister think it’s me because they think I’m smarter, prettier, never get into trouble, have more responsibilities and to then be stared at for my reaction. Doing that to a kid fucks them up you asshole! What was I supposed to do? Act stupid, disfigure myself, get into trouble? And I can guarantee that I did NOT want ALL the responsibility you and dad put on me.) - The reason why I bring up the past is because we’ve both seemed to have carried over the parent/adult and child roles. And what makes it worse is that I grew up a mini-adult having to take care of my brother and sister, having to make dinner, having to keep the house clean, having to do everyone’s laundry. Our roles have changed in reality. I am now an adult that is a parent. You are a parent with adult children and grandchildren. I can only say that I consider myself exempt of the child role. You don’t seem to accept the fact that my husband and I have a job to do…no matter how you feel about that. - Whether “you didn’t mean to do any harm” or “you did the best you could” we can’t continue to obscure the fact that you abdicated quite a bit your parental responsibilities to me when I was a child. It’s what you didn’t do that has hurt me. I’ve always felt responsible for bad things that had happened in your household; that I should have been able to stop the situations that happened. I know now that even though I didn’t have a choice as a child in your house, I have choices now. I choose to become more understanding (I already feel that I am very loving and affectionate) and become responsible to myself and my family. - I feel that I was constantly being disrespected by you and dad because you don’t think what I find important is important. Because I’m your “child” I should defer to what you think is best in my decision making and expectations of what I (actually Baris and I, but I feel is perceived as ME) want for my (OUR) family. I do not like to be looked at as a child, especially the way you viewed your children, where our needs, wants, thoughts and decisions had less value than adults. - Before, when I spoke with you about this, I tried to explain it nicely and you never brought it up to really discuss it. When we got into that argument 12/29/2003, you got the blunt, bare-bones version: “pissing-contest” with my kids. Power struggles: I think that you want credit for how Brendon and Guinevere are. Everyone involved with my kids add some of themselves however, it’s not quite the same with my mother; it’s almost like you want them to be yours without all the work. - Here are the REAL issues Mother. Issues you don’t want to face. What the hell do I care about what happened in 1991 at the Mother-Daughter Tea?!? That has long since been squashed in my mind. I took care of it then. I did not dedicate the song I sang to you as you choose to remember (although how you remember it that way when you weren’t even there I don’t understand); I dedicated it to the person that was there supporting me at that event, Lawrence. So, let’s go into our recent past, not my childhood. It has continued and intensified since I first became a parent: o Making fun of me and then saying flat-out that you would NOT call me Auntie was showing me that how I identify myself doesn’t matter to you. Why do you think J is Aunty-J? Because of what I told her I wanted to be called. o Telling me you would fight for the custody of my kids after I stated who the guardian would be if something happened to Baris and I showed me you don’t respect my decisions. o Calling me and telling me that my son would get cancer and suffer many different diseases and discomforts if I didn’t circumcise him showed me you don’t respect my parenting ability. o Telling me during and argument that I look at my kids like they are R and J and that Bren and Guin are afraid of me was yet another demeaning scare tactic, designed to make me self-doubt my parenting skills. Yes, I do look at my son and daughter like my brother and sister, I watched R & J so much, they were like my “kids” to me. The issues that my bother, sister and I have are adult issues, not from our childhood. You need to realize that, as do they. o Telling me that I would have to get over Robert being a junkie and being in your house with my babies because you weren’t telling him to leave showed me that you don’t respect observations and choose not to see reality. o Telling me that you want everything your way in our relationship showed me I am valuable to you only when you want me. o Giving my phone number to J, among other things, showed me that you don’t respect my goal to get emotionally healthy. o Ever since that one time when we got into an argument and you told me you didn’t think you could watch my children anymore, my distrust for you deepened. That is something you did when I was a child, threatened me and then did it again with me as an adult, using my children. If a daycare center employee said that to me, I would have taken my children and never gone back. I would have scrambled and found someone else. That is what I did. You seemed so surprised when I didn’t drop them off the next day. You called me at work asking where they were. I told you why. “oh we need to talk about this,” you said. After we talked about it you said, “Let’s never do this to each other again.” You turning around that situation to fit your needs and reality made me so mad I could have spit in your eye! But I didn’t. I felt over a barrel. Baris and I couldn’t afford more reliable care. And I definitely felt you used that to your advantage. o How dare you make a parallel with your children and my children’s behavior in public places! You and dad used to threaten us as kids when we went somewhere. You don’t threaten my kids because: § They wouldn’t want to be around you; they’d be afraid of you. § Baris and my parental approach make our kids emulate our behavior. - I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t keep covering up things that hurt me. That’s not healthy and I can no longer acquiesce to it. I can’t continue to protect you from my feelings and opinions. I’m tired of feeling alienation. - I wasn’t put on this earth to make you comfortable or uncomfortable or to make you feel good about yourself. I wasn’t put on this earth to make you feel bad about yourself either. - I’m finally feeling free!!! Little by little. I’m remembering things that I did growing-up that was trying to get me and my family healthy. I see I’ve always tried to be healthy; to get healthy; to feel better naturally by living my life right. Now, that doesn’t mean I consider myself perfect! Hahahaha, not by a stretch! BUT, I try and learn from my mistakes. I don’t keep doing the same mistake over and over in spite of the fact I feel bad, wrong or embarrassed. - I also wanted to apologize to you. I separated my feelings of love and empathy from my nuclear family when I was a child. I’ve carried that through to my adult years with you. As such, you’ve never really known me as I am. See, I had to protect myself from the crazy dysfunctional, co-dependent shit. I tried telling you that when I was a child but you would say things like: You’re too sensitive; you’re a manipulative bitch; you’re a ball-buster. I had to stay and hear you put me down and call me names. I will not accept that treatment now. And part of me feels you got off light, me nick-naming you Betty Crocker. Do you even know why? - This may be the end of our relationship but you know what, Mother? Any change between us is better than this remaining the way it is. - These are things I have stated to you before, over and over again. I’m tired of having to explain them to deaf ears. I’m tired of you saying you know that it’s like this but you’re going to change. I think it’s just lip service. I don’t trust you. I wish I could! There is nothing I want more than to be able to say, “I love my mom and have a great relationship with her,” and mean it! I’m jealous of the daughters and sons that can say that. But this is the reality and I can’t look at the fantasy in my head any longer. I can’t keep hoping that the more I give and allow you and dad to do with my children, you’ll finally love me the way I wish for. It only seems to get worse and the ‘pissing contest’ stakes get higher and higher; my kids physical and developmental health. I need you to work with us. If you can’t, you are against our child-rearing plan and we can’t expose Brendon and Guinevere to mixed messages any longer. Facts are facts. These are Baris and my kids. What is good for the goose is not good for the gander. We expect our wishes for our children to be honored by you. This is not a game of monkey see monkey do. - I need to know that you read this and that you care. I’m pretty sure that you won’t do it for me, you’ll do it for your grandchildren. I’m so upset about this, and it’s been going on for so long… Sincerely, Amber holla@me
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