in meeting someone new, questions to one's logic and self-comfort always come up.
strange to me though, how if your own beliefs don't mesh with anothers perceptions, you can't be for real or telling the truth.

self-con·scious adjective1 a : conscious of one's own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself : aware of oneself as an individual b : intensely aware of oneself: CONSCIOUS; also : produced or done with such awareness 2 : uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others : ILL AT EASE

My new friend doesn't believe that I don't care too much what others think of my looks. I think he perceives me as having a fragile ego, yet not admitting such. When I took issue with this, he dismissed me. I have a very, very strong ego. I had to. I was made fun of all the time when I was a child because I was mixed. Made fun of for having a big ass; full lips; small waist; curly hair that went everywhere; wearing glasses; being part black; being part white; how I spoke proper English...
I could go on but suffice to say, every detail about me was scrutinized and ridiculed. I learned very young that there was nothing I could do about it; either a person found me attractive or they didn't. Sure, I can dress a certain way or wear my hair in the current style or even "dumb-down," but I would still be who I was inside and outside no matter what appearance I tried to mould myself into. And I was still part white and part black, among other nationalities; I could never change the color of my skin and that is what I was judged on the most. It was made very clear to me that I would have to be comfortable with myself and that was key...the only way people would like me. My self-confidence and self-assurance. I had to understand early and that belief has been reinforced as I get older. As my Gran-Pappy used to say, "Fuck `em."

So, I figure...for myself, I'm gonna put a pic up every 1 - 3 weeks at Hot or Not. Going to this site and rating people, I must say that the pictures of women are given a much more critical rating than the men. [That isn't too surprising. That is pretty much my complaint with how our society works right now. Women are expected to WORK to make themselves look good while a lot of men expect women to take them as they are. This has already been documented, but it is a standard that I am completely rebellious of. Attention to detail is important for both genders but what has been chosen as attention to detail, i.e. shaving legs and underarms, apparel, facial structure, etc., has to go. Why don't we get to "know" people? Age, years, time will strip our exterior beauty slowly but surely. Wouldn't it be nice to know that a person's beauty was more than skin deep? It doesn't seem that our society acknowledges that. We get lyposuction, rhinoplasty, tummy tucks, chemical-peels, etc. Wouldn't it be more worth it to put that much drive and money into being intelligent, empathetic, mentally and emotionally sound?] Is vanity a virtue?

Anyways...
I'm going to keep track over the course of 1-1/2 years, more or less, that I will or won't improve my health, physique and eat moderately. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself. But I can absolutely put myself "out there." I'll see how many people appreciate my sense of humor and possibly my appearances. Maybe I'll even dress sleazy...hahahaheeheehaHA!

For the current pictures, should I justify myself by stating that I slept in the clothes, practiced yoga and walked 2 miles with my dog before I got infront of a camera? Nah... *giggling*

Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple; Tidal

You moved like honey in my dream last night
Yeah, some old fires were burning
You came near to me and you endeared to me
But you couldn’t quite discern me

Does that scare you? I’ll let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
You’ll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I’ll haunt the world inside you

And my big secret - gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood

I’ll let you see me, I’ll covet your regard
I’ll invade your demeanor
And you’ll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
And you’ll wonder what it is about me

It’s my big secret - keeping you coming
Slow like honey, heavy with mood

Though dreams can be deceiving
Like faces are to hearts
They serve for sweet relieving
When fantasy and reality lie too far apart

So I stretch myself across, like a bridge
And I pull you to the edge
And stand there waiting
Trying to attain
The end to satisfy the story
Shall I release you?
Must I release you?
As I rise to meet my glory

But my big secret
Gonna hover over your life
Gonna keep you reaching
When I’m gone like yesterday
When I’m high like heaven
When I’m strong like music
’cuz I’m slow like honey, and
Heavy with mood.

I can kind of feel where Fiona Apple is coming from. With singing and just quitting. Not for lack of talent, because she is awesomely talented, but maybe for not being perfect? The body is a marvelous, yet finite piece of machinery.
Why oh why couldn't we be in the dimension where we were like Mork from Ork on Mork & Mindy? Males have the offspring and the "babies" are born old and age backwards to babyhood! I could live with that!

*twisting ears* Nanoo, nanoo.