Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Monday, November 29, 2004
So, I posted a new pic last night. It hasn't been approved yet.
Like I said before, I'm going to record the results of each pic. That picture was up for 3 weeks and 413 people rated it. My average rating was 4.8. While the ratings ran the gamut, an ego boost was that I had several 8 through 10 ratings. Eventually, I will do some sort of chart so I can see what is hot or not about me :-P Thank you all for rating. Let's see where this goes. holla@me Sunday, November 28, 2004
Hope called and we chatted a bit; got off the phone. She called back a little later: Holly wanted to know if Bren and Guin could spend the night? Today is kind of booked up and we're starting it at 1:30 but yeah sure. Baris wanted to know if we could get some... I called up an acquaintance. He didn't know where we could get our treats but had a few things in the works. I told him I'd meet up with him later.
Had the kids get ready and out the door. Arrived at our destination. Called up a friend and asked him if he could meet me there; he said in a few minutes. I was chillin' with Hope and Bill in the kitchen; the kids were bouncing around the living room playing something on PS2. Cutie comes walkin' in the front door. He'd never seen my kids before. He came into the kitchen, looked dead at me, "You can tell that they are yours." I smiled and nodded. He couldn't get over it. The kids came in the kitchen to get some pizza and look at the Christmas tree (Hope has all her Xmas stuff out. Good for her! I haven't done it yet...no rush for me.) Cutie was looking and Bren, Guin and I together, shaking his head. "You and your husband must look just alike because I only see you in the kids." Hope said that whatever you didn't see of me was Baris. I agreed and pointed out that Guin has her Dad's slim figure, hair type and color and little ears (lucky her heehee). He still shook his head, "I don't see it. You and your daughter look like twins of each other." Hope went to look for a picture of Baris, Bill went somewhere. Cutie and I had a moment alone and he said: Some guys will look at your daughter and then see you and then think, let's go after the Mom. He looked slyly over at me. I smiled and couldn't help blushing a bit. So Cutie called his people and told me that things were straight. So I asked him to take a ride with me... holla@me
He'd never seen my car. I started laughing before he asked, "What kind of car do you drive?"
I used to drive a `95 Dodge Neon, manual transmission (I said stick though). But now I drive something that is practical for my family... We walked up on my Volvo. "This!?" "You're driving a station wagon!" Yes, I know, thanks for pointing it out. Get in. *smile* We rode quietly for a minute or two and of course I'm not one to stay silent for long. "I don't know what to say. I just don't know how to start conversation right now." "You just did." "*chuckling* Ok, there it is. Let's go from there." I told him that 99.1 had 80's and 90's weekend. I put on 99.5; good song was on. I brought up some abstract commercial or something from the late 80's. "Never heard of it. How old do you think I am?" "Oh I know that you are young." He looked a little -i don't know-. "I'd say you were...19." "Correct." I mentioned how 19 was an age where some guys saw themselves as being let out of the stable. "Naw, I did that earlier. How old are you?" "31" He told me that I looked a lot younger than my age. I told him that quite a few people have told me that and how glad I was that I did look younger and that people could see it. At the same time I said, "Thank you," he said, "You should be glad." "Really, thank you," I said again. We got to my destination. I got what I needed. I asked if he had a place he needed to go. "I'm fine." On the way back we chit-chatted, then he asked, "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" "I didn't lose it. I chose not to be a virgin anymore at 16." "You were old! How'd you do that?" "I called up a friend and asked him if he'd pick me up." "Whoa, that must have been hard for him." "Oh no. We knew each other and had an attraction. He wanted to...definitely." He told me he was nine years old when he first had sex. [And here comes my little aside: While hearing this, the "Mom" in me was thinking I must be old because if Bren and Guin started having sex now... then I thought, should I complete telling them about sex and the facts of life? They say they don't wanna know anymore yet. I'm not gonna push `em, but I don't want them to go out there uninformed and listening to their peers... I could go on but I'll continue with the actual conversation, not the one in my head at the time.] So I said that I had plenty of player boys in school trying to get me when I was 10 - 13. They were not for me. One tried to get me to take a bus to his house! Yeah, right. We were almost to the house, giggling a little bit and enjoying each others company. When we got out of the car I turned and said that just because I'm old doesn't mean I don't like to have fun. "You're not old. You were old when you first had sex." I couldn't think of anything else to say but I know that I felt pretty good. It was nice to have a much younger man let me know that I was still attractive. Thanks Cutie. He's very handsome and full of energy. I could get into trouble. HA! holla@me Friday, November 26, 2004
I've taken 2 generic Tylenol PM's at around 10:00p and it's noew 12:19a; just starting to kick in. Much later, I'm getting tired. Didn't expect to be here for so long, but I've wanted to get a couple of things on line. I've written a lot down but chicken scratch: I write it very well.
holla@me Thursday, November 25, 2004
Sensuous.
Possum Kingdom - Toadies; Rubberneck Make up your mind Decide to walk with me Around the lake tonight Around the lake tonight By my side By my side I'm not gonna lie I'll not be a gentleman Behind the boathouse I'll show you my dark secret I'm not gonna lie I want you for mine My blushing bride My lover, be my lover, yeah... Don't be afraid I didn't mean to scare you So help me, Jesus I can promise you You'll stay as beautiful With dark hair And soft skin...forever Forever Make up your mind Make up your mind And I'll promise you I will treat you well My sweet angel So help me, Jesus (hey, hey, hey) Give it up to me Give it up to me Do you wanna be My angel? So help me! Be my angel Be my angel Do you wanna die? I promise you I will treat you well My sweet angel So help me, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus... holla@me
I must be at a delirious level. Been up a while and moving. I love to serve.
Thinking, many things floating in my mind... I speak in a poem when conversing with folk. I know it is strange. I need to...listen to what I say enabling me to listen to what I say for several reasons. A digital recorder would be sensational to have. My dude has been wanting to get one for me; money. Time - Pink Floyd; The Dark Side of The Moon
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it’s sinking And racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in the relative way, but you’re older Shorter of breath and one day closer to death Every year is getting shorter; never seem to find the time Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, thought I’d something more to say Home, home again I like to be here when I can And when I come home cold and tired It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire Far away across the field The tolling of the iron bell Calls the faithful to their knees To hear the softly spoken magic spells. A friend made a comment about my handwriting being "girly." I don't think that he really saw my handwriting. Most people can't read my handwriting. Sometimes, I can barely read it. My dude can read all my shit. I take that for granted. I love to type on the PC because I can use any font, it is uniform, people can read it, I'm self-conscious that I don't have pretty, neat, feminine handwriting. Oh well, I'm not gonna try to improve it! I'm done with being letter perfect. holla@me
I heard these songs today and they made a mark on me; more than usual.
Leather – Tori Amos; Little Earthquakes
Look I'm standing naked before you Don't you want more than my sex I can scream as loud as your last one But I can't claim innocence Oh god could it be the weather Oh god why am I here If love isn't forever And it’s NOT THE WEATHER Hand me my leather I could just pretend that you love me The night would lose all sense of fear But why do I need you to love me When you can't hold what I hold dear Oh god could it be the weather Oh god why am I here If love isn't forever And it’s NOT THE WEATHER Hand me my leather I almost ran over an angel He had a nice big fat cigar "IN A SENSE" he said "you're alone here So if you jump you best jump far" Oh god could it be the weather Oh god why am I here If love isn't forever And it's NOT THE WEATHER Oh god could it be the weather Oh god it's all very clear If love isn't forever And it's NOT THE WEATHER Hand me my leather I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow; Tuesday Night Music Club Come to me now
And lay your hands over me Even if it’s a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe I’m broken in two And I know you’re on to me That I only come home When I’m so all alone But I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won’t give up on me And I shall believe And I shall believe Open the door And show me your face tonight I know it’s true No one heals me like you And you hold the key Never again Would I turn away from you I’m so heavy tonight But your love is alright And I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly You won’t give up on me And I shall believe I shall believe And I shall believe We Do What We Can - Sheryl Crow; Tuesday Night Music Club
Downstairs they're playing Kenton The house set to swing I lay in my bed And listen to everything Cause Leo's in rare form tonight His trombone sings so sweet This is the room Where they all come to meet He said I do what I can I live for the moment And that's who I am Yeah that's who I am And isn't it good If we could freeze moments in time We all would But I do what I can I do what I can Downstairs he's playing Kenton The Magnavox sighs But oh how the music has changed In all of our lives He says "nobody listens To modern jazz" And I'll never have what those guys have He says I do what I can I work for a living And that's who I am Yeah that's who I am And it's good to be alive But everything's different since Leo died I do what I can Is this the end of the modern world What could it mean for a young girl Who sees the pain on his face He does what he can The procession on the TV screen What could it possibly mean for a man Who's come this far just to turn around Could there still be life in Kenton's swing With the Kennedys gone and everything Those sad rows of houses with their optimistic colors Democrat grandparents and draft-dodging brothers Riots down the street and discontented mothers We do what we can Downstairs it's quiet Less alive somehow Somehow he was everything that I am now And he says I do what I can I work for a living And that's who I am And that's who I am But it's good to be alive And these are the choices We make to survive You do what you can holla@me Thursday, November 18, 2004
Another sensuous song. I love that it is dark...
#1 Crush - Garbage; Romeo & Juliet Soundtrack I would die for you I would die for you I've been dying just to feel you by my side To know that you're mine I will cry for you I will cry for you I will wash away your pain with all my tears And drown your fear I will pray for you I will pray for you I will sell my soul for something pure and true Someone like you See your face every place that I walk in Hear your voice every time I am talking You will believe in me And I will never be ignored I will burn for you Feel pain for you I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart And tear it apart I will lie for you Beg and steal for you I will crawl on hands and knees until you see You're just like me Violate all the love that I'm missing Throw away all the pain that I'm living You will believe in me And I can never be ignored I would die for you I would kill for you I will steal for you I'd do time for you I would wait for you I'd make room for you I'd sail ships for you To be close to you To be a part of you 'Cause I believe in you I believe in you I would die for you... I had a couple "miracles" happen today. It was a lovely surprise that helped to make my day. Giant Food has a sale 4 12pack-cases for $10 on Coca-Cola products, my favorite being Diet Cherry Coke. So I got 4 of them and got into the express line. There was a woman ahead of me and she told me to go before her. I thanked her and moved. I almost dropped a case on my foot but didn't. I placed a pack of gum on my order. When it was my turn to be rung up, the cashier, an attractive older gentleman, I gave him my bonus card and swiped my credit card through, waiting for him. He rung up my gum and handed it to me, rung up one 12pk of Diet Cherry Coke, setting it at the end of his station, then he hit the "end order" tab and put the other 3 12pks' at the end of his station too. "$3.67," he said. I smiled, "Credit, please." And thus the transaction was completed after I signed my name for the credit charge. I did nothing! I mean, no wink, no eyes...nothing. I had my black and white striped hat (looks like Rudy's from Fat Albert) and a 2000 Humane Society of The United States T-shirt on. "Thank you, Sir," I said. "Have a great day," said he. He absolutely did that on purpose. It was beautiful; wonderful. I was grateful for it. Like in Monopoly when you get the Chance card "Bank Error In Your Favor," take the blessings you're given and cherish it. I also saw a Delorean today. Oh it was so pretty! I love cars. I just don't go "nutty" over them. They get me from point A to point B and I appreciate that. That'll do car, that'll do. holla@me
It is like I'm being awakened. I've felt so deceptive of myself, regarding my observations and writing. I see now it was because I was writing froufrou bullshit! I am not inspired by putting on blinders and only seeing what is in front of me. I have to have meat...feel the blood on my fingers...tasting it on my tongue. (I need to get my ass some training and rope-in the rawness of this gift.)
I spoke to my mother last week. She sent me an e-mail too. We have agreed that counseling would be the best thing for us. What I said to her was I thought it was the healthiest thing she has said in a long time. She laughed, "I though you would say that." She thought right. She admits...currently mind you, who knows if it is genuine...that she has some part in our distressed relationship. I'm excited because before, she has only talked of how unnecessary therapy/counseling is. Denial. Let's see if we even get in the parking lot of a councelor. B- and I talked too. He's been depressed and it's been eating at him. We feel that some therapy would be helpful for him too. Mental illness does run in his family and he doesn't feel that just talking or just meds are helping him. I wish I could help but being a sounding board sometimes just isn't enough. holla@me
I feel like a heel. I was looking over some of my posts and I saw the interaction between me and my daughter with the stationery I put in her bag for school. I knew it before, which is why I tried to take it back, but of course...too late, that I put an expectation on her to see the note paper and envelopes while at school and that she would...
I should have kept it what I had originally intended it to be; a surprise gift. Something for her to discover on her own and question me about... Instead I made her upset because she couldn't read my mind. I know I said sorry and all but still, as a parent, it's my job to care for my kids, not put extra hang-ups on them. Not everyday in Life is going to be wonderful and I know I can't be "the perfect parent," but it is still something I strive for. Thankfully, I haven't put myself on a pedestal with my kids. Thankfully, they feel they can approach me with things. This was on my mind thinking about the exchange between B- and I. It hurt to have an expectation that I didn't know about put on me. Of course, Guin would feel the same way. Trying to improve being human, not an easy task, fighting against instant gratification. holla@me Tuesday, November 16, 2004
B- and I talked a bit about his skill with guilt:
‘You know how frustrating that is. ‘Your father does that to people. ‘He’s smooth with it,’ I said. B- added, ‘He does it intentionally, when he wants you to do what he wants.” He said sorry and that he didn’t mean to make me feel guilty. ‘Maybe I do mean to do it,’ he offered. ‘Part of you must because you know which buttons to push to make me feel guilty and that is not an accident,’ I replied. Please, be honest with me. Be real. B- says he will work on recognizing and changing. I want to change too. I don't want to disappoint the people I love. However, there is only so much I can do. And we all disappoint one another sometimes. I always feel guilty bringing something up with B- because he comes across as so fragile. My bestest friend says that is because he's learned even more from his father...passive-aggressiveness. She has told me I need to get it out because I put myself at the bottom of the list. She feels I'm getting a little lost or faded...something like that. holla@me in meeting someone new, questions to one's logic and self-comfort always come up.
strange to me though, how if your own beliefs don't mesh with anothers perceptions, you can't be for real or telling the truth. self-con·scious adjective1 a : conscious of one's own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself : aware of oneself as an individual b : intensely aware of oneself: CONSCIOUS; also : produced or done with such awareness 2 : uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others : ILL AT EASE My new friend doesn't believe that I don't care too much what others think of my looks. I think he perceives me as having a fragile ego, yet not admitting such. When I took issue with this, he dismissed me. I have a very, very strong ego. I had to. I was made fun of all the time when I was a child because I was mixed. Made fun of for having a big ass; full lips; small waist; curly hair that went everywhere; wearing glasses; being part black; being part white; how I spoke proper English... I could go on but suffice to say, every detail about me was scrutinized and ridiculed. I learned very young that there was nothing I could do about it; either a person found me attractive or they didn't. Sure, I can dress a certain way or wear my hair in the current style or even "dumb-down," but I would still be who I was inside and outside no matter what appearance I tried to mould myself into. And I was still part white and part black, among other nationalities; I could never change the color of my skin and that is what I was judged on the most. It was made very clear to me that I would have to be comfortable with myself and that was key...the only way people would like me. My self-confidence and self-assurance. I had to understand early and that belief has been reinforced as I get older. As my Gran-Pappy used to say, "Fuck `em." So, I figure...for myself, I'm gonna put a pic up every 1 - 3 weeks at Hot or Not. Going to this site and rating people, I must say that the pictures of women are given a much more critical rating than the men. [That isn't too surprising. That is pretty much my complaint with how our society works right now. Women are expected to WORK to make themselves look good while a lot of men expect women to take them as they are. This has already been documented, but it is a standard that I am completely rebellious of. Attention to detail is important for both genders but what has been chosen as attention to detail, i.e. shaving legs and underarms, apparel, facial structure, etc., has to go. Why don't we get to "know" people? Age, years, time will strip our exterior beauty slowly but surely. Wouldn't it be nice to know that a person's beauty was more than skin deep? It doesn't seem that our society acknowledges that. We get lyposuction, rhinoplasty, tummy tucks, chemical-peels, etc. Wouldn't it be more worth it to put that much drive and money into being intelligent, empathetic, mentally and emotionally sound?] Is vanity a virtue? Anyways...
I'm going to keep track over the course of 1-1/2 years, more or less, that I will or won't improve my health, physique and eat moderately. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself. But I can absolutely put myself "out there." I'll see how many people appreciate my sense of humor and possibly my appearances. Maybe I'll even dress sleazy...hahahaheeheehaHA! For the current pictures, should I justify myself by stating that I slept in the clothes, practiced yoga and walked 2 miles with my dog before I got infront of a camera? Nah... *giggling* Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple; Tidal
You moved like honey in my dream last night Yeah, some old fires were burning You came near to me and you endeared to me But you couldn’t quite discern me Does that scare you? I’ll let you run away But your heart will not oblige you You’ll remember me like a melody Yeah, I’ll haunt the world inside you And my big secret - gonna win you over Slow like honey, heavy with mood I’ll let you see me, I’ll covet your regard I’ll invade your demeanor And you’ll yield to me like a scent in the breeze And you’ll wonder what it is about me It’s my big secret - keeping you coming Slow like honey, heavy with mood Though dreams can be deceiving Like faces are to hearts They serve for sweet relieving When fantasy and reality lie too far apart So I stretch myself across, like a bridge And I pull you to the edge And stand there waiting Trying to attain The end to satisfy the story Shall I release you? Must I release you? As I rise to meet my glory But my big secret Gonna hover over your life Gonna keep you reaching When I’m gone like yesterday When I’m high like heaven When I’m strong like music ’cuz I’m slow like honey, and Heavy with mood. I can kind of feel where Fiona Apple is coming from. With singing and just quitting. Not for lack of talent, because she is awesomely talented, but maybe for not being perfect? The body is a marvelous, yet finite piece of machinery. Why oh why couldn't we be in the dimension where we were like Mork from Ork on Mork & Mindy? Males have the offspring and the "babies" are born old and age backwards to babyhood! I could live with that! *twisting ears* Nanoo, nanoo. holla@me
I froze my daughter, my hands were so cold. She is funny. I put my hands on her neck while she was walking and she...just...stopped. With a shocked, cold look on her face. *smile*
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ 2004 Stepford Wives is probably one of the funniest movies I've seen this year. Do NOT compare it to the 1970's movie. This is a satire, through and through. It really pokes fun at the stereotypes of men/women, husbands/wives. However, many a truth is spoken in jest and it does hit home on quite a few levels like "power-women" and "emasculated men." Can't we all just get along? Here's my hubby/wife sitch... Dearest B-, My feelings were hurt this morning looking at your e-mail. You expected an e-mail from me at a certain time and then criticized me because I didn’t. It made it difficult for me to write anything inspirational this morning. You didn’t say anything about a timeframe. When you stopped sending me 365 things about me you liked last year, I didn’t say a word. I didn’t want you to feel like a heel for not sending any. I understood that if I mentioned it to you, you would feel “under the gun” which would eventually lead to you feeling resentful. I let you off the hook with that last night. I told you that with pointing out my physical attributes, you weren’t going to have much more to write. We joked about you having to start writing about my colon or uvula. Remember? I made the suggestion that you include “things” you would like and “things” you do like and you said that you wanted me to start writing to you too. Perfect. I thought we were in harmony. Now I feel resentful. I feel like I take your feelings into account much more than you have of mine. I feel like it’s almost expected of me! It’s not fair that I’m to cater to you and you are allowed to be selfish when you want or don’t want. I’m feeling a little oppressed but not in a “loving” way. So, I was trying to explain to a female "friend" (when it suits her she is a friend...she doesn't "have my back") how I've been feeling and she wasn't listening to a word! She even seemed...irritated. And then I realized...she has settled and she knows it. More important to her is that other people know it. She looks at what I consider problems as non-issues because it is a HELL of a lot better than what she has. I DIDN'T settle. I won't settle. I know I have an awesome man but he sometimes wants me to settle while still holding me to a high-standard. [I'll be Got-damned if I'll be guilted into submission. You should want me to give that freely then you will get more than you could imagine.] I figured I wear it for a few days. See how it feels. Am I in right in my way of thinking? Should I tone it down? Am I being unreasonable? holla@me Friday, November 12, 2004
Love this song...so so lotta much! I fell in love with it the first time I heard it.
Let Me Go - Cake; Prolonging the Magic When she walks She swings her arms, instead of her hips When she talks she moves her mouth, instead of her lips I've waited for her for so long I've waited for her for so long I've wondered if I could hang on I've wondered if I could hang on "Let me go," she said "Let me go," she said Let me go and I will want you more Let me go, let me go Let me go and I will want you When she wants She wants the sun instead of the moon When she sees She sees the stars inside of her room I've waited for her for so long I've waited for her for so long I've wondered if I could hang on I've wondered if I could hang on "Let me go," she said "Let me go," she said Let me go and I will want you more "Let me go," she said Let me go Let me go, and I will want you "Let me go," she said "Let me go," she said "Let me go," she said Let me go, let me go holla@me
Superficial...shallow...one-dimensional...featherbrained. That is how I feel with this guy. Why?
It is a gnawing irritation...like this bra I'm wearing right now; rubbing, scratching my right shoulder-blade. I feel he thinks I'm uncritical. That I don't look deep into situations and people. Should I even care what he thinks? I think part of it is because I'm still on guard. And I feel something...or lack of something from him. He has this self-assured confidence that is borderline conceit. I sense this aggressive-assertiveness from him. I dunno. I think it is a clever cover-up to throw people off his bare soul; defense mechanisms. What is odd to me is that he talks often of wanting honesty, trust, loyalty...exclusivity but is so on his guard that he doesn't quite give what he wants in return. I think that is why I am feeling so fake. I can't get down on a person that doesn't give as much as I'm willing to give. Maybe we're both worried about the future. holla@me
I met Hope last year. We hit it off incredibly well. She introduced me to someone recently; a long term male friend. He and I seem very intrigued by the other; it's cool. Now Hope and her friend seem to be on the outs. I like them both. It is a tragedy; to me because it seems that if they talked it out something could be salvaged. But patience is a virtue; something they both have told me they don't have. Well, Hope says she has learned more about patience because of her current circumstances. That and `cause she knows me. While it is said that Taurus' are stubborn, it isn't true, and we just have patience...we don't wait and see forever, just take our time with our decisions. I know I hate to make mistakes, so I mull over my thoughts for a bit. Her friend, now my friend, is an instant gratification type of guy. Now I don't know him that well, not even 2 months yet, so much has yet to be revealed. I've been told about this man...not always honorable deeds have been done by him. He's told me as much himself, but of course, he's different, changed, a new man.
There is something about him I'm attracted to. I don't think it's his physical features. My friend Christy seems to think I have a thing for nerdy/dorky (hey, I resemble that! I prefer highly intelligent.), tall, gawky fellows. I really have no type, except I dig on the mental aspects of a person. I did not get a good look at him until last Wednesday. You know, ya can't just stare at someone, study them, without them getting creeped out. heheh Damn and I saw his butt...what a select few know is a weakness of mine. Maybe I'll go into that later. He is intelligent and seems to be open to new experiences. When meeting someone new, I want to find out everything about them. I want to talk to them everyday. I'm very curious (like a cat) and ask tons of questions. He and I have talked everyday for about 3 weeks. It seems that we have a lot in common: similar life experiences, points of view, quite a few personality traits. He made an interesting point last we spoke: Once we figure each other out, we'll probably get bored and not want to be around each other. I don't know if that is a true statement when I am in the equation. Most of my friends and family, when we get to talking, our range of discussion is so varied, that it is nothing for us to talk for hours. Baris and Dani are my closest confidants; we have figured each other out. I can assure you, we aren't bored. Then again, we are aware that everyday one wakes up, one is different. Anyways, this man states he likes to push buttons. I'm trying to figure out why? He could ask me anything and I would give him an answer. I don't like manipulation games...they are an irritation. And that is the heart of what I've been thinking about... holla@me Thursday, November 11, 2004
I have all these slips of paper with scattered thoughts. I eventually want to develop them but...
I don't know what it is. What am I afraid of? Being laughed at? I was looking for something to read, but my mind doesn't want to settle down that way. I'm restless. I've been thinking about how one spend's one time. I feel like maybe my time could be better spent. I've already decided to cut recreation time to the weekends. That makes me feel better. I miss my dude. He and Jude Law look alike *grin* Silly me, I know comparing my Adonis to a mere movie star, but what the hell? I watched Cold Mountain recently whew...Am I blushing? Random idea: 2 or 3 scary stories. The same story with adult, intermediate and child versions. I love horror, so does Guin, but Bren doesn't. If I could come up with a premise with degrees of scariness...that would be phat. I just can't settle down...I think I need to go for a walk. Clear my head in the cold. holla@me
I'm compiling a list of sensuous songs. I need help because of course, I haven't heard everything. This song for me, is perfect. It's a jazz torch song with awesome lyrics and the smoothest, most perfectly delivered singing I've heard...heartbreaking. I've been there before. I'm not the only one. My imagination takes me places with this song...
Kissing a Fool - George Michael; Faith You are far When I could have been your star You listened to people Who scared you to death, and from my heart Strange that you were strong enough To even make a start But you’ll never find Peace of mind `Til you listen to your heart People, You can never change the way they feel Better let them do just what they will For they will If you let them Steal your heart from you People, Will always make a lover feel a fool But you knew I loved you We could have shown them all We should have seen love through Fooled me with the tears in your eyes Covered me with kisses and lies So `bye But please don’t take my heart You are far I’m never gonna be your star I’ll pick up the pieces And mend my heart Maybe I’ll be strong enough I don’t know where to start But I’ll never find Peace of mind While I listen to my heart People, You can never change the way they feel Better let them do just what they will For they will If you let them Steal your heart And people, Will always make a lover feel a fool But you knew I loved you We could have shown them all But remember this Every other kiss That you ever give Long as we both live When you need the hand of another man One you really can surrender with I will wait for you Like I always do There’s something there That can’t compare with any other You are far When I could have been your star You listened to people Who scared you to death, and from my heart Strange that I was wrong enough To think you’d love me too I guess you were kissing a fool You must have been kissing a fool holla@me
I don't know where this came from but last night I felt this song and wanted to dedicate it to friends of mine. I got an e-mail and I wish I could take away the pain and mistrust, but...
War Of The Hearts Lyrics - Sade; Promise I could aim but I could not fire Got a bullet to spare to kill my desire Who's calling the shots One of us must make the peace To have or to have not The fire has got to cease I'm loaded don't know where to point this thing It's a sin how we hit where it hurts Who's calling the shots One of us (one of us) must end this masquerade To have or to have not Let's heal the wounds that we've made It's a war of the hearts (It's a war of the hearts) It's a war of the hearts Got a bullet to spare, don't wanna send it your way Who's calling the shots One of us (one of us) must make the peace To have or to have not The fire has got to cease It's a war of the hearts (It's a war of the hearts) It's a war of the hearts I'm loaded don't know where to point this thing (It's a sin) it's a sin how we hit where it hurts (how we hit where it hurts) One of us (one of us) got to end this masquerade got to heal the wounds that we've made I've got a bullet to spare don't wanna send it your way If you wanna end it If you wanna end it just say It's a war of the hearts (It's a war of the hearts) It's a war of the hearts (got to end this masquerade) I've got a bullet to spare and we don't wanna send it your way If you wanna end it (It's a...) If you wanna end it (war of the...) just say (hearts) It's a war of the hearts It's a war of the hearts It's a war of the hearts holla@me Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Been avoiding the whole President Thing. I had every expectation that G.W. Bush would remain “the winner” regardless of if it was legal or not. Yes, yes, I voted, but I don’t think it mattered. I think it’s a terrible time for our country when people feel bamboozled. I know I’m not the only one that thinks we’ve been bamboozled, but what can ya do? Revolution? It’ll never happen. We have conceded. “Just Wait and See” should be our nation’s motto, not In God We Trust.
But, just maybe, with how our Federal government is grinding down the working class and the poor, there may be a Revolution. I mean it happened in France and the similarities are getting scary. Want to watch Bush unscripted? Uncovered: The Whole Truth About the Iraq War and Fahrenheit 9/11, among others...anyone know any others? I have a membership with Netflix and would love to see as much G. W. Bush footage as possible. holla@me Monday, November 08, 2004
A couple songs of the weekend...
Father of Mine - Everclear; So Much for the Afterglow (I' ve already typed it in, but it fits) Daughters – John Mayer; Heavier Things I know a girl She puts the color inside of my world She's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands Now I'm starting to see Maybe it's got nothing to do with me Fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters too Oh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in Since the day she saw him walking away Now she's left Cleaning up the mess he made Fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters too Boys, you can break You'll find out how much they can take Boys will be strong And boys soldier on But boys would be gone without warmth from A woman's good, good heart On behalf of every man Looking out for every girl You are the god and the weight of her world So fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters, too So mothers be good to your daughters, too So mothers be good to your daughters, too While this song completely idealizes women, which anyone can tell you is a mistake because most already think that they are little goddesses, there is a lot of truth to it. Mothers & Fathers, be good to your daughters and sons...it is true that your children will love like you do; for better or worse. It isn't easy being a damaged person, or feeling like damaged person. It's even harder when you're told that you are over-exaggerating the issues or told flat out that you aren't telling the truth. When will parents realize that at some point, parents aren't the center of the world, nor were parents ever intended to be. That is a murderous mythical mentality that needs to go the way of the dinosaur. I will state it again and again in my blog...so I don't forget...so others will see...it is the job of parents to raise their children to be intelligent, thoughtful, productive, well-rounded/balanced people that will enrich our society and make the necessary changes to our world to protect and preserve. If you don't have that in mind, don't have kids at all. You aren't doing anyone a favor creating a human to be an empty shell or emotional vampire. Losing My Religion - REM; Out of Time Life is bigger It's bigger than you And you are not me The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes Oh no I've said too much I set it up That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much I haven't said enough I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try Every whisper Of every waking hour I'm Choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt lost and blinded fool Oh no I've said too much I set it up Consider this Consider this The hint of the century Consider this The slip that brought me To my knees failed What if all these fantasies Come flailing around Now I've said too much I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try But that was just a dream That was just a dream That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much I haven't said enough I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try But that was just a dream To try, cry, fly try That was just a dream Just a dream, just a dream Dream holla@me
I've typed this and sent it to my Mother. It was very hard to do it...i've been conditioned to never upset my parents. It has affected me, depressed, exhausted and critical of others. I should have given these feelings/emotions/behaviors to whom it belonged, but my sorry-ass gave it to the ones that matter most. I am sorry, so sorry and I will make it up to y'all: Baris, Brendon, Guinevere...forgive me? November 5, 2004 Dear Mom, - I have decided to write my thoughts and feelings instead of trying to express them directly to you for several reasons. One is that I have become afraid of your anger whenever I try to discuss “us” with you. I get all jumbled up and I can’t think clearly and I know I don’t express myself adequately. For another, you constantly interrupt and cut me off when I say something you don’t want to hear. By putting what want to say on paper, I have the chance to organize my thoughts and to state them clearly. - We have this dysfunctional relationship. I didn’t make it this way. I started out as a baby. You were the adult; the nurturer and caretaker from the beginning of my existence. The type of relationship we have is what you made, not me. I don’t want the relationship to stay like this. I’m an adult and with the way you treat me, if you weren’t my mother, I would not take the disrespect. Through your actions, words and demeanor, I’ve felt like a second class citizen. I have no thoughts, feelings and emotions with you it seems. I’m not allowed to feel hurt or angry by your words and behavior. If I do tell you, you get offended and won’t talk to me. You cannot keep stepping over my boundaries and expect me to keep allowing it. I cannot be in a relationship with anyone that will not compromise or react to what one says or does. I had no choice when I was a child, I certainly do now. - The relationship that you created for us has been nothing but you able to be rude, nasty, cruel and disrespectful while I must guard my tongue and turn the other cheek because a child isn’t allowed to treat a parent as the parent treats the child. You treat co-workers and strangers better than me because you don’t want them to think you’re a “bad” person. You could give 2 shits what I think about you. Please, treat me like a co-worker. I’d rather be treated with polite aloofness than with the familial disrespect. - For a long time, with the hurtful things you’ve said and continue to say, I’ve worried about speaking out because of retaliation from you. I see that no matter how many times I turn the other cheek, even with no provocation from me, you’ll still do it! So from now on I’m going to call you on your words. You may want to watch what you say. - I’ve felt different from your family ever since I was a kid. A special bond between you and R and J. A special bond between you and dad. I didn’t feel a part of it. I felt that you’ve tried to love them more by your actions and love me more by your words so that there wasn’t any jealously among us. It didn’t work. The “bond” that you have with R & J, I don’t want. I prefer the critical eye you give me. The love from a distance (conditional love) I hate, but if that’s all you can give…Part of me doesn’t want that either because it’s only a tease. (To be asked who I thought my parents loved the most…and to be told that my brother and sister think it’s me because they think I’m smarter, prettier, never get into trouble, have more responsibilities and to then be stared at for my reaction. Doing that to a kid fucks them up you asshole! What was I supposed to do? Act stupid, disfigure myself, get into trouble? And I can guarantee that I did NOT want ALL the responsibility you and dad put on me.) - The reason why I bring up the past is because we’ve both seemed to have carried over the parent/adult and child roles. And what makes it worse is that I grew up a mini-adult having to take care of my brother and sister, having to make dinner, having to keep the house clean, having to do everyone’s laundry. Our roles have changed in reality. I am now an adult that is a parent. You are a parent with adult children and grandchildren. I can only say that I consider myself exempt of the child role. You don’t seem to accept the fact that my husband and I have a job to do…no matter how you feel about that. - Whether “you didn’t mean to do any harm” or “you did the best you could” we can’t continue to obscure the fact that you abdicated quite a bit your parental responsibilities to me when I was a child. It’s what you didn’t do that has hurt me. I’ve always felt responsible for bad things that had happened in your household; that I should have been able to stop the situations that happened. I know now that even though I didn’t have a choice as a child in your house, I have choices now. I choose to become more understanding (I already feel that I am very loving and affectionate) and become responsible to myself and my family. - I feel that I was constantly being disrespected by you and dad because you don’t think what I find important is important. Because I’m your “child” I should defer to what you think is best in my decision making and expectations of what I (actually Baris and I, but I feel is perceived as ME) want for my (OUR) family. I do not like to be looked at as a child, especially the way you viewed your children, where our needs, wants, thoughts and decisions had less value than adults. - Before, when I spoke with you about this, I tried to explain it nicely and you never brought it up to really discuss it. When we got into that argument 12/29/2003, you got the blunt, bare-bones version: “pissing-contest” with my kids. Power struggles: I think that you want credit for how Brendon and Guinevere are. Everyone involved with my kids add some of themselves however, it’s not quite the same with my mother; it’s almost like you want them to be yours without all the work. - Here are the REAL issues Mother. Issues you don’t want to face. What the hell do I care about what happened in 1991 at the Mother-Daughter Tea?!? That has long since been squashed in my mind. I took care of it then. I did not dedicate the song I sang to you as you choose to remember (although how you remember it that way when you weren’t even there I don’t understand); I dedicated it to the person that was there supporting me at that event, Lawrence. So, let’s go into our recent past, not my childhood. It has continued and intensified since I first became a parent: o Making fun of me and then saying flat-out that you would NOT call me Auntie was showing me that how I identify myself doesn’t matter to you. Why do you think J is Aunty-J? Because of what I told her I wanted to be called. o Telling me you would fight for the custody of my kids after I stated who the guardian would be if something happened to Baris and I showed me you don’t respect my decisions. o Calling me and telling me that my son would get cancer and suffer many different diseases and discomforts if I didn’t circumcise him showed me you don’t respect my parenting ability. o Telling me during and argument that I look at my kids like they are R and J and that Bren and Guin are afraid of me was yet another demeaning scare tactic, designed to make me self-doubt my parenting skills. Yes, I do look at my son and daughter like my brother and sister, I watched R & J so much, they were like my “kids” to me. The issues that my bother, sister and I have are adult issues, not from our childhood. You need to realize that, as do they. o Telling me that I would have to get over Robert being a junkie and being in your house with my babies because you weren’t telling him to leave showed me that you don’t respect observations and choose not to see reality. o Telling me that you want everything your way in our relationship showed me I am valuable to you only when you want me. o Giving my phone number to J, among other things, showed me that you don’t respect my goal to get emotionally healthy. o Ever since that one time when we got into an argument and you told me you didn’t think you could watch my children anymore, my distrust for you deepened. That is something you did when I was a child, threatened me and then did it again with me as an adult, using my children. If a daycare center employee said that to me, I would have taken my children and never gone back. I would have scrambled and found someone else. That is what I did. You seemed so surprised when I didn’t drop them off the next day. You called me at work asking where they were. I told you why. “oh we need to talk about this,” you said. After we talked about it you said, “Let’s never do this to each other again.” You turning around that situation to fit your needs and reality made me so mad I could have spit in your eye! But I didn’t. I felt over a barrel. Baris and I couldn’t afford more reliable care. And I definitely felt you used that to your advantage. o How dare you make a parallel with your children and my children’s behavior in public places! You and dad used to threaten us as kids when we went somewhere. You don’t threaten my kids because: § They wouldn’t want to be around you; they’d be afraid of you. § Baris and my parental approach make our kids emulate our behavior. - I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t keep covering up things that hurt me. That’s not healthy and I can no longer acquiesce to it. I can’t continue to protect you from my feelings and opinions. I’m tired of feeling alienation. - I wasn’t put on this earth to make you comfortable or uncomfortable or to make you feel good about yourself. I wasn’t put on this earth to make you feel bad about yourself either. - I’m finally feeling free!!! Little by little. I’m remembering things that I did growing-up that was trying to get me and my family healthy. I see I’ve always tried to be healthy; to get healthy; to feel better naturally by living my life right. Now, that doesn’t mean I consider myself perfect! Hahahaha, not by a stretch! BUT, I try and learn from my mistakes. I don’t keep doing the same mistake over and over in spite of the fact I feel bad, wrong or embarrassed. - I also wanted to apologize to you. I separated my feelings of love and empathy from my nuclear family when I was a child. I’ve carried that through to my adult years with you. As such, you’ve never really known me as I am. See, I had to protect myself from the crazy dysfunctional, co-dependent shit. I tried telling you that when I was a child but you would say things like: You’re too sensitive; you’re a manipulative bitch; you’re a ball-buster. I had to stay and hear you put me down and call me names. I will not accept that treatment now. And part of me feels you got off light, me nick-naming you Betty Crocker. Do you even know why? - This may be the end of our relationship but you know what, Mother? Any change between us is better than this remaining the way it is. - These are things I have stated to you before, over and over again. I’m tired of having to explain them to deaf ears. I’m tired of you saying you know that it’s like this but you’re going to change. I think it’s just lip service. I don’t trust you. I wish I could! There is nothing I want more than to be able to say, “I love my mom and have a great relationship with her,” and mean it! I’m jealous of the daughters and sons that can say that. But this is the reality and I can’t look at the fantasy in my head any longer. I can’t keep hoping that the more I give and allow you and dad to do with my children, you’ll finally love me the way I wish for. It only seems to get worse and the ‘pissing contest’ stakes get higher and higher; my kids physical and developmental health. I need you to work with us. If you can’t, you are against our child-rearing plan and we can’t expose Brendon and Guinevere to mixed messages any longer. Facts are facts. These are Baris and my kids. What is good for the goose is not good for the gander. We expect our wishes for our children to be honored by you. This is not a game of monkey see monkey do. - I need to know that you read this and that you care. I’m pretty sure that you won’t do it for me, you’ll do it for your grandchildren. I’m so upset about this, and it’s been going on for so long… Sincerely, Amber holla@me Wednesday, November 03, 2004
I got away from my family as soon as I could. I learned a lot of things from them that I didn't want to learn. I can't forget it. I don't want to forget. I need to remember so that I can protect myself and my own family. But it is still so painful to think that I will never have that "safe place" to go to: my mother and father. It was never safe and I just hoped that maybe, inbeing responsible and dependable and reliable, my parents would give a shit about me and what is important to me: my son, daughter and husband. They don't care about any of those things except what they can do for them. They still hold the incorrect belief that children are never-ending reservoirs of unconditional love. You can't keep taking from that without filling it up.
The End - The Beatles; Abbey Road And in the end The love you take Is equal to the Love you make. As one by one they break the limits of respect, I am cutting the ties of obligation. So much has already changed in their lives because of it. They don't see the kids everyday anymore. The kids don't spend at least one night a week, every week, at their house. It seems they won't be content with the situation until they can't see them without my dude or myself, present. They feel I wouldn't dare do that. They still look at me as being their child of 11 watching their twins, like a good girl should. It is about control. The control they think they have and the control I give to them. Better Be Home Soon - Crowded House; Temple of Low Men somewhere deep inside; something's got a hold on you and it's pushing me aside; see it stretch on forever and I know I'm right for the first time in my life that's why I tell you you'd better be home soon stripping back the coats; of lies and deception back to nothingness; like a week in the desert and I know I'm right for the first time in my life that's why I tell you you'd better be home soon so don't say no, don't say nothing's wrong `cause when you get back home maybe I'll be gone it would cause me pain if we were to end this but I could start again; you can depend on it and I know I'm right for the first time in my life that's why I tell you you'd better be home soon that's why I tell you you'd better be home...soon. holla@me Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Feeling like a fool. I've tried so hard to separate myself from the emotions that I have for my family. But it's not working. I can't expect a different result just because they state they've changed. It is complacency that they want. Lull me into a sense of love and value that was never given when I was a child. I see how my kids are treated by them and wish it were me. I forget that it's all about appearances; it always was and will forever remain. {But even that is tainted; they indulge my children, permitting every desire, reproving nothing. As a result, my son is "suffering." My mother keeps questioning if I've had him tested for autism. This is the unspoken reason for showing him no restraint; PITY. Undeserved pity at that! What kind of fucked-up person would rather believe her grandson is autistic than set boundaries for him? Similar beliefs she held for my brother and where is he? Why do I keep this sense of obligation to my mother and father? If they aren't healthy for my kids, even if they treat my kids better than they ever treated my brother, sister and I, why do I allow them unsupervised visits?} There is no sincerity. I have to:
Wise Up - Aimee Mann; Magnolia soundtrack It's not; What you thought When you first began it You got; What you want Now you can hardly stand it, though By now you know It's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop `Til you wise up You're sure; There's a cure And you have finally found it You think; One drink Will shrink you `til you're underground And living down But it's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop `Til you wise up Prepare a list of what you need Before you sign away the deed `Cause it's not going to stop It's not going to stop No it's not going to stop `Til you wise up No it's not going to stop `Til you wise up No it's not going to stop So just give up holla@me
Betty strikes again! The details don't matter; it's too typical. Of course I got the confused, "why are you acting like this," look. Again, typical. But when "home sweet home" gets me down, I put on some music that reflects my mood. It usually calms me down...eventually:
"Kill You" - Eminem; Marshall Mathers LP When I just a little baby boy,My momma used to tell me these crazy things She used to tell me my daddy was an evil man,She used to tell me he hated me But then I got a little bit older and I realized, she was the crazy one And there was nothin I could do or say to try to change it `Cause that’s just the way she was They said I can’t rap about bein broke no moreThey ain’t say I can’t rap about coke no more(ahhh!) slut, you think I won’t choke no whoreTil the vocal cords don’t work in her throat no more? !(ahhh!) these motherfuckers are thinkin I’m playinThinkin I’m sayin the shit cause I’m thinkin it just to be sayin it(ahhh!) put your hands down bitch, I ain’t gon’ shoot youI’ma pull +you+ to this bullet, and put it through you(ahhh!) shut up slut, you’re causin too much chaosJust bend over and take it like a slut, okay ma? Oh, now he’s raping his own mother, abusing a whore,Snorting coke, and we gave him the rolling stone cover? You God damn right bitch, and now it’s too lateI’m triple platinum and tragedies happen in two statesI invented violence, you vile venomous volatile bitchesVain vicadin, vrinnn vrinnn, vrinnn! {*chainsaw revs up*}Texas chainsaw, left his brains allDanglin from his neck, while his head barely hangs onBlood, guts, guns, cutsKnives, lives, wives, nuns, sluts Chorus: Bitch i’ma kill you! you don’t wanna fuck with me Girls neither - you ain’t nuttin but a slut to me Bitch i’ma kill you! you ain’t got the balls to beef We ain’t gon’ never stop beefin I don’t squash the beef You better kill me! i’ma be another rapper deadFor poppin off at the mouth with shit I shouldn’ta said But when they kill me - I’m bringin the world with me Bitches too! you ain’t nuttin but a girl to me.. I said you don’t, wanna fuck with shady (cause why?) Cause shady, will fuckin kill you (ah-haha) I said you don’t, wanna fuck with shady (why?) Cause shady, will fuckin kill you.. Bitch i’ma kill you! like a murder weapon, i’m a conceal you In a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows and film you Buck with me, I been through hell, shut the hell up! I’m tryin to develop these pictures of the devil to sell ’em I ain’t acid rap, but I rap on acid Got a new blow-up doll and just had a strap-on added Whoops! is that a subliminal hint? no! Just criminal intent to sodomize women again Eminem offend? no! eminem insult And if you ever give in to him, you give him an impulse To do it again, then, if he does it againYou’ll probably end up jumpin out of somethin up on the 10th(ahhhhhhhh!) bitch i’ma kill you, I ain’t done this ain’t the chorus I ain’t even drug you in the woods yet to paint the forest A bloodstain is orange after you wash it three or four timesIn a tub but that’s normal ain’t it norman? Serial killer hidin murder material In a cereal box on top of your stereo Here we go again, we’re out of our medicine Out of our minds, and we want in yours, let us in Chorus Eh-heh, know why I say these things? Cause lady’s screams keep creepin in shady’s dreams And the way things seem, I shouldn’t have to pay these shrinks This eighty g’s a week to say the same things tweece!Twice? whatever, I hate these things Fuck shots! I hope the weed’ll outweigh these drinks Motherfuckers want me to come on their radio shows Just to argue with ’em cause their ratings stink? Fuck that! I’ll choke radio announcer to bouncer From fat bitch to off seventy-thousand pounds of her From principal to the student body and counselor From in-school to before school to out of school I don’t even believe in breathin I’m leavin air in your lungsJust to hear you keep screamin for me to seep it Okay, I’m ready to go playI got the machete from o.j. I’m ready to make everyone’s throats ache You faggots keep eggin me on Til I have you at knifepoint, then you beg me to stop? Shut up! give me your hands and feetI said shut up when I’m talkin to you You hear me? answer me! Chorus Hahaha, I’m just playin ladies You know I love you - NOT holla@me |
