Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Tuesday, May 18, 2004
The Moon is in Taurus, the Bull, emphasizing our need to be firmly grounded in our senses. One positive side of this Moon is that we become very determined to accomplish our goals, not allowing anything to get in our way. But there's a twist to things now, as Venus -- the key planet of Taurus -- begins her rare (every other year) retrograde phase. Simultaneously, Dreamy Neptune also turns retrograde today. This is a time to turn our thoughts of love inward and to reconsider what we really need, from both our relationships and our spirituality.
On Sunday 5/16...my good friends Ali, Hope & Bill threw me a little party for my birthday. SPIDERMAN!!! My all time favorite superhero! It was great, I had a Spiderman cake and got a Spiderman doll. And they gave me great, thoughtful gifts. When I think of the things that get me down, I think about how much my friends do for me. (That's not to say that we don't have our "tiffs" but as long as we're allowed to express ourselves it works wonderfully.) With the accident and not recouping in the manner the doctors I've gone to expect (and they really act as if I'm supposed to tell them I'm cured even though I'm not...most frustrating) and feeling achy and stiff (as if the thoracic area were a small branch and my arms were twigs about to snap off) all of the time and like real shit some of the time; cash flow not flowing and the stress of having to down-size our style of living, I'm really lucky to have the support I do. I think about that, but I don't do it everyday and I should because it could have been worse. It could be worse. Yesterday was uneventful...just homeschooling my Bren and gettin' into the pool. We had big, juicy burgers that I made...I don't dig on beef that often but when I get in my mood...yum! I watched Akira Kurosawa's Dreams; I recommend it, but only to ones who enjoy foreign films, simply because, much is lost in translation. I watched Anger Management...it was funny as hell And of course, rounded up the evening with Spiderman! And I dig on Tobey McGuire (geez, I could have at least spelt his name right: Maguire) *grin* He makes a very good (dare I say perfect?) Spiderman in my opin. Gotta see Spiderman 2 holla@me Monday, May 17, 2004
Friday, May 14, 2004 my bestest-guy friend (not my dude) got married at The Baltimore Zoo Mansion House. It was so beautiful and wonderful. His middle sister was sick and couldn't drink, even though she had been waiting for a year to do so. So, I drank for her! It was nice; I didn't get trashed and fall on the floor; I wasn't incoherent and screaming or crying. It was just great. I was crying, as I am prone to do at weddings, so happy for them both. He really loves her. If he didn't, he never would have married her. That is the thing about S-, he tells you what is on his mind and he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. He even danced with the bride; something that he doesn't do often. J- said, "He must love me."
"Girl," I said, "Of course he loves you! "You know how he is; he won't do what he doesn't want to do." What I told to my dude was, "If she doesn't know by now how much he loves her, she doesn't deserve him." It was funny, toward the end of the night, Marvin Gaye came on and of course my dude needed to be right on the dance floor with me. Apparently from how we were dancing, the groom stated, "Share the love!" I told him, with a "fuck you" grin, "Find your wife." heehee It was classic. I've known S- since 1993 when I popped up at his drafting cubicle, asking him if he was in a band. Come to find out, he is a Poly alumnus (I am a Western alumna) and we "met" each other there. Poly and Western share a campus. I also "met" him at The Rage, which is defunct but it WAS a kick-ass punk club that showcased local talent. And YES, he was in a band...but I hadn't seen `em play. I was actually the front-woman of that band for about 1-1/2months...Inez became defunct, but the KISS-MY-ASS spirit lives on!!! And S-, the sweetie, told me at the reception, "A-, you are much more than a friend; you're a BAND-MATE!" Right on Baby! *muah* There is a lot to the story and I think I should maybe make a story out of it, changing the names and all and making some subtle changes to the storyline. It was just terrific to watch the ceremony and celebrate his marriage. May every day enrich and add to the next. I love you. holla@me Friday, May 14, 2004
Ahhh, my birthday was May 13th. I am 31 :)
I saw Kill Bill Vol. 2 and it was RIGHT ON!!!! We're gonna see it again...after viewing Vol. 1 again. We've already made a decision that once it gets into the $2.50 movies, we'll be watching it again and again :) And the movie Fist of Fury aka The Big Boss: A remake of Bruce Lee's The Big Boss with director Quentin Tarantino and Jet Li and Jean Reno. I noticed that Jet Li is busy...coming out with Hero and QT's movie soon too. I LOVE Jet Li man! I've been immersing myself in Chinese and Japanese tradition and culture as well as martial arts movies and it started with Jet Li movies...Shaolin Temple 1 & 3,The One, Fist of Legend (yeah, baby!!) Once Upon a Time in China, Black Mask, etc. Then I watched 3 Akira Kurosawa movies: Seven Samurai, Rashomon, Throne of Blood. Last years The Last Samurai and Kill Bill vol.1. There's more but I think you get the picture. I'm hooked! Anyway, my birthday was a magical day...as is usual. I try to get my energy flowing in the right direction before the day. I got free stuff from a DJ at 92Q when we were at the movie theater. My next door neighbor got me balloons and a gift card...wait, I must start that my lovely, loving dude gave me a dozen blood-red roses May 12th. They are beautiful and pictures don't do them justice. I'll never forget how beautiful they are. And the friends, family,love and magical cosmic whatever you want to call it just made my birthday very special. I earn every year I turn and I felt special. holla@me Tuesday, May 11, 2004
I've been reading different articles discussing dumping friends. I agree in simplifying, however, I sometimes feel that our society is very fickle. As soon as it gets tough, people are giving up. There are times to 86 a friend but problems happen; crisis' occur. Some people don't like to focus on anyone but themselves.
For me, I've noticed that "throwing away" people is a defense when the person hits close to home. The discomfort of having a mirror put in front of you, especially by someone other than yourself, has caused good relationships to go bad. With me and my dude, we've realized that marriage, but it can go with any indepth relationship, is a study in human behavior. For every action is an equal and opposite reaction - Newton's 3rd Law. When the reaction happens, is it because of the mirror, the past, or you? When making a commitment to always be there through thick and thin, you can't just roll out when it gets tough. You start to see that Newton's Law's of Physics are working. They do indeed fit into human relationships. Anyway... Having to call a friend on something, anything, is what I call the Fuck You Factor. It's when you show, confront, display a problem (and it must be something that has the potential of being destructive...on their life, a situation or to another. not something trivial) and, hopefully, the person being confronted can be objective and understand that you aren't saying it to hurt them, only to help. And in return, I expect to be confronted and my errors in judgment pointed out because I don't want to keep fuckin' up! For me, being friends with someone is till the end. Good, bad, ugly. If we're friends, I love you. I don't have time for bullshit either. I've had to pick through a hell of a lot of false friends to get the awesome friends I have. And it may be strange, but when I feel a connection with someone, I ask them if they feel it too. And I tell them I don't have time for bullshit. haha, I want/need friends with strength because let's face facts, life is NOT rated G! I can handle birthdays and weddings and broken refrigerators. When something major is going down in my life, when my strength is low or failing, I need to know that my friends can show their strength. And I didn't know until just about 2 years ago how important it is to have female friends. I've never been female friendly: a lot of "girls" have that cattiness that I just don't need. But now, I feel I have a solid core of girlfriends that are there for me and I feel so much more powerful and enriched because of them. holla@me Thursday, May 06, 2004
it's funny, to me at least, when puttiing pen to paper, how all the ideas fly away. almost as if these thoughts and memories want to be kept cherished in the mind of the one who has them.
this isn't my first day writing; it won't be my last either i suspect. this is thought y first day realizing how critical of myself and others I don't wish to be any longer. i know alot of my citicality stems from how i was raised. i had much responsibility and was hyper-criticized at the slightest error or perceived error. then the other side of that extreme is that when something "bad" was going to happen, i wasn't allowed to protect myself (hence a propensity i have of being very trusting and having to get "smashed" before realize i should run away from certain situations). being in pain most of the time dampens my spirits as well. watching and knowing my dude busts his bum all the time is painful to me. seeing him discouraged. i feel alot that i am worthless to my family. this is because i don't/can't do as much as i used to. i don't feel i'm pulling my weight. baris tells me all the time that homeschooling the kids (yes, both of them starting `moop's 2nd grade) and raising them as i am is more than enough. but i'm like stone and his encouragement doesn't seep through. his words are like a puddle, i sit in it, seeing and feeling but not soaking it in. holla@me Wednesday, May 05, 2004
I have a secret. I have a desire. I have a wish and promise to myself. I have to try. I want to accomplish my dream of being a writer. I don’t want to do some self-important gobbledygook or some whimsical fantasy world, although I enjoy unusual writings. I want to show the gamut of my own emotions. I’ve been reading Peter Straub (Houses without Doors and Magic Terrors) and Virginia Woolf (Melymbrosia and Orlando) and Lemony Snicket and soon Suzuki Koji and realizing that I don’t have to be limited in what I present on a printed page. Some of the people that I have in my life may look at me as if I am very strange, drunk or on drugs for my thoughts but not everyone in the world has such close-minded personal hang-ups and if they do? “Fuck `em,” is what my Grand Pappy used to say.
It’s been in me for a long time; wanting to be an author. I remember consciously thinking of this when I was in 4th grade. That would put me at 10. I also wanted to be a singer…well, that dream may be gone however my kids tell me I have the most beautiful voice in the world; that is just perfect with me. I also have my friend, Hope, that has encouraged me to finally move on to college. I believe that there are people one meets that you feel the connection from past lives. There people that one is just meeting but feel that same connection with them just the same. Almost as if because mutually you know that you’ve been working up the Nirvana chain, you’ve felt them, maybe brushed by them; some tie is there. I think I’m going to have to work that out a little better *grin* But about college, again, when I was a kid, younger than 10, I wanted to be a child psychologist NOT psychiatrist. I didn’t want to prescribe meds; the thought of having to dole out injections was horrifying to me! I had no idea how I was going to do it, my parents made it clear that all they would/could give to me as a fledgling college student was a free room. However, just thinking why at age 8 or 9 I wanted to specifically be a child psychologist should explain how that was an impossible offer for me to take my folks up on! holla@me Tuesday, May 04, 2004
I just found out I should be checkin' out a mental health provider. Those who say, "I've no doubt that bitch does," need not read any further into the madness that is mine. *Cheshire Cat Grin*
The Center for Stress & Anxiety Disorders at the University at Albany Feedback Report Here is your custom feedback report. This report is based on the responses you provided to the assessment questionnaire, and the results are only as accurate as the information you provided. Based on your responses to the assessment, you are eligible to participate in our study of Internet-based treatment for PTSD. Click here if you'd like to enroll or learn more about participating in this study. The MVA-PTSD survey that you completed on 4/22/2004 has been reviewed and scored by our staff. Based on the responses you provided, you probably have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and should seek treatment for it with a mental health provider. With respect to symptoms of depression, your responses indicate that you are experiencing a noticeable level of depressive symptoms, and should seek treatment for these symptoms as soon as possible with your personal physician or a mental health provider. Finally, the information you provided shows that you are suffering from travel anxiety symptoms and should seek treatment for these symptoms with a mental health care provider. To learn more about enrolling in our free Internet-based treatment study, Click on "Yes, I'm interested". The Center for Stress & Anxiety Disorders at the University at Albany Pre-treatment Waiting Area Today is Tuesday, May 4th, 2004, and you enrolled in this study on Tuesday, May 4th, 2004. You will be able to begin module one of the treatment program on Tuesday, June 15th, 2004. Between now and when you begin the active treatment phase of the study, we'll ask you to complete two brief assessments. We'll ask you to complete the first assessment half-way through this waiting period, on Tuesday, May 25th, 2004. The second assessment will take place just before you start treatment module one on Tuesday, June 15th, 2004. We'll send a reminder email to you at abcetinkaya@netzero.com to help you remember when to complete these brief assessments, and to let you know when you can begin the active treatment phase of the study. In the event that you change your email address, you can click here to update your contact information. We'd like to thank you again for agreeing to participate in this study. It is our hope that this research will not only help you in the process of recovering from your motor vehicle accident, but that it will also allow us to make this program available to the millions of other individuals who are involved in motor vehicle accidents every year. The AtC Team. A Study of Internet-based assessment & treatment for motor vehicle accidents www.afterthecrash.com holla@me Saturday, May 01, 2004
it's been a while for me. have had a lot on my mind. at times i feel extremely unfulfilled and lacking in something; maybe someone(s). do i feel lonely? i don't think so. but i miss good friends...2 in particular.
ever felt like the people that you talk to just don't see you? invisibility can lead to depression. i've felt that way for about 2 years now since the accident. doctors don't see you. a few of my friends in the Feminist movement have told me about how women, usually 50 and over, become invisible to doctors. these women have to be "crazy" and fabricating their pain and discomfort. i've been invisible since i was 28 and it is a very hard reality. i fight it and then feel consumed by it. overwhelmed. drowned. it's hard. holla@me |
