Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Monday, January 20, 2003
In this kind of mood? Am I a girl or a boy?
SHEILA TAKE A BOW Is it wrong to want to live on your own ? No, it's not wrong - but I must know How can someone so young Sing words so sad ? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you The one that you love and who loves you Oh ... Is it wrong not to always be glad ? No, it's not wrong - but I must add How can someone so young Sing words so sad ? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you The one that you love and who loves you.......oh.... Take my hand and off we stride Oh, la la la lala la la la You're a girl and I'm a boy La la lala lala...La la lala lala Take my hand and off we stride Oh, la la la lala la la la I'm a girl and you're a boy La la lala lala...La la lala lala Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Lala lala lalala Throw your homework onto the fire Come out and find the one that you love Come out and find the one you love holla@me Wednesday, January 15, 2003
I snagged this site from someone I knew...Zodiac
This is actually the closest description of me in Zodiac I've seen. But they left out the BITCH that I definitely can be when I feel threatened or just if I'm in that kinda mood. *chuckle* Amber Cyn is deeply sensual. Her senses of touch, smell and sight are highly refined. And as for her taste? It's impeccable. Amber is extremely discriminating - when she sees the best, she won't ever settle for anything less. She would rather 'go without' than go for a poor substitute. But then that's Amber all over. It really isn't fair to call her 'stubborn as a mule.' Mules are adaptable, easy going creatures who are always eager to please - or at least, they are by comparison to Amber Cyn. Unfortunately, for a person with such expensive preferences Amber is not a millionaire ...or at least, not yet. You never know, it may just happen because Ambers' relationship with money is very interesting. She treats it with a curious mixture of disdain and respect. She never lets it stand in her way, yet she will go out of her way to get it when she needs to. Amber is a smart cookie and a shrewd operator. It is not though, merely in the field of finance that Amber Cyn displays intuitive wisdom. Amber has an affinity with nature. She can make almost any plant flower and bear fruit. This is just as well because Amber has a hearty appetite. She likes her food as indeed she likes all her creature comforts. Fond though she is of all the above - and of all life's little luxuries - there is one more source of endless fascination that Amber cannot resist. Amber doesn't so much have a hearty appetite for sensual pleasure as a ravenous hunger for it! Which is funny really because you wouldn't necessarily think it to look at her. Amber likes to play it cool. Amber likes to pretend that nothing bothers her, fazes her or excites her. Like all Taureans though, Amber Cyn is a powerhouse of passion, as those who are lucky enough to know her - or to love her - will breathlessly testify. And part of me is wondering if my father-in-law (who told B- not to date, then not to live with, then not to get pregnant or marry me, but calls me a "smart cookie" all the time! *giggle* During Xmas dinner at our new house, B-'s dad actually said, "B-, remember what I told you a long time ago....keep this one." B- chuckled and said, "No you didn't Dad. Don't you remember what you said?" I just giggled behind B-. B-'s mom finally realized that B- and I are a good couple. She's been niggardly with her compliments of he and I. She asked my mom, "They really do make a good couple don't they?" My mom replied, "Yes. They've already spent 11 years together. They're going to be a "Lifer" couple." Now, B-'s mom is being very nice to me. B- snorted and said to me, "Just because she's acting and being nice doesn't mean that she isn't going to do or say something ignorant in the near future!" That made me giggle too. B- loves his folks. But they always say things when he isn't around...things that are rude and hurtful. He's protecting me, and I'm glad. The way I've been feeling for these past 10 months, I don't really have the energy to do anything but be stunned. The neurologist that I went to called last night. He feels with the symptoms that I wrote and faxed to him, I have a rheumatoid disorder. He thinks Fibromyalgia. I did a search on it. I don't want to be in pain for the rest of my life, but if that's how it is, then that is it. I just want a final diagnosis as to why I feel like this still. I feel once I know what's it is, that I can move on with my life. How I feel and Symptoms: I am in constant pain in the cervical, thoracic and lumbar areas from the time I wake up until I can finally get to sleep. It is impossible to sleep without the aid of medication. I am constantly fatigued, even after getting as full a night’s sleep as I can. Reading, writing, walking, and lifting anything over 5 – 10 pounds is painful immediately, increasing as I continue these activities. Sometimes resulting in several days of bed rest. Running, jumping, playing tag or getting on the floor and “wrestling” with my kids (ages 7 & 5) are completely out of the question. I vary my activities of “rest” (sitting, standing, lying down) to relieve the pain I feel. I haven’t had a pain free day since 3/1/2002. My normal lifestyle and being ½ partner in our household has diminished. Sitting or standing at “rest” I have tingling pain in neck and trapezius and achy pain in my low back that also feels like there is a lot of pressure. Burning, aching, pinching pain in between the shoulder blades, radiating about 6 inches down. After 30 minutes to an hour the pain described above increases and I get aching and shooting pain in my low back that radiates upward with sharp stabbing pain in my left, sometimes right hip. The toes on my left foot spasm. The feeling of pressure in my low back increases as well. The same symptoms apply while I am walking but I get swelling, numbness and tingling in my feet and toes. When my left foot lands on the floor, there is sharp tingling, shooting pain in the heel going up the leg about mid-calf. While sleeping, I have to vary my positions from back, either side because I have tingling pain in neck and trapezius and achy pain in my low back that also feels like there is a lot of pressure and burning pain in between the shoulder blades, radiating about 6 inches down. After 30 minutes to an hour the pain described above increases and I get aching and shooting pain in my low back that radiates upward with sharp stabbing pain in my left, sometimes right hip. The feeling of pressure in my low back increases as well. If I sleep on my stomach, my low back hurts and feels disjointed with sharp shooting pain if I shift. I have noticed that my left leg spasms from the hip and the toes spasm. One is not exclusive of the other. Writing or working on the PC for 10 – 30 minutes, I get a headache (sometimes lasting days afterward) and tingling, throbbing pain in the neck and trapezius. Also, burning, aching, pinching pain that spreads above and between the shoulder blades and to about 6 inches down that turns into numbness and tingling with the burning, pinching pain. I get an aching shooting pain in my low back that radiates upward and to my left hip occasionally the right hip. The toes on my left foot spasm. Again, I feel pressure in my low back. Eventually the pain becomes sharp stabbing, throbbing pain. I get numbness, tingling and swelling in hands and fingers. I usually have to lie down for an hour or so afterward. Raising my arms to my sides and raising them above my head, I get numbness and tingling in my arms, hands and fingers. There is shooting pain as I do a full neck roll. I feel a tugging sensation as I turn my neck to the left, right, forward and back with achy pain. I have an achy, sometimes shooting pain in my left shoulder when moving back and forth or rotating my arm. I have an achy pain in both knees when bending or climbing stairs. I am always trying to “crack” my back to get the spine to go back into place. While doing this my breastbone pops loudly enough that people around me can hear it. When breathing, there are cracks and pops around the ribs. I feel sharp pains as it feels like the ribs are “popping” back into place. I haven’t had sex with my husband since the accident. We have tried in different positions but it is painful. My hips, low back, mid back and neck hurt and the next day, was a bad pain day. I have loss of concentration resulting in difficulty completing tasks. I am also depressed. I lose my balance easily and the difference in equilibrium has caused dizziness and falls. holla@me Tuesday, January 07, 2003
How is it to know that your husband, your father, is never coming home?
This morning, one of the agents (financial services; equities & insurance) where I worked, drove into the parking garage at work. He went to the top level of the garage. Then he jumped. He had a wife and 2 young kids. I should say his wife and 2 young kids had a man. What happened? Were his last thoughts of them? ...of the obvious hopelessness he felt? ...of his sick, dying mother? He was suffering from major clinical depression and had been hospitalized. This isn't a good time right now to be involved with the NYSE or life insurance either. But, he couldn't find any light at the end of his tunnel. There was no motivation to live. Last night, as he kissed his children and watched them to bed, were there thoughts of this morning’s event? Next to his wife, how did he sleep? This morning as he dressed and ate breakfast, did he formulate his plan? Family was not enough. Or was there feuding in the household? Terrible strife that simply sealed his resolve to end? But now, Daddy isn't coming how. Nor more love or discipline or play. He will never advise or give guidance to them again. Her partner/friend/lover/mate will never walk through the door of their new home. Never will his look tell her how his day was. I knew him. Worked on his PC & done some reports for him. I met his wife and kids. Has this made it any easier? Is everyone breathing a collective (and spiritual) sigh of relief? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In such a negative situation, possibly positive for this man who lost his hope which brought about such a desperate act, I pray the Great Spirit will give an equal "positive" reaction. I hope the family he left will become stronger and more stable. I hope they don't know the desperation that he had. I truly do. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I have an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow. Maybe he can diagnose me. Maybe he will find out how I can finally live again pain free. ....maybe. holla@me Thursday, January 02, 2003
I'm hoping to change any of these first 20 that I may be doing to my friends and family. I want to remember
Twenty Behaviors That Ruin Relationships 1. Tell your partner what to do. 2. Act like your partner's child. 3. Act as if you were your partner's parent. 4. Attack the partner rather than the issue. 5. Blame your partner. 6. Reply before you understand what was said. 7. Be hysterical. 8. Be hostile. 9. Use demeaning words and abusive behavior. 10. Treat your partner as a possession. 11. Avoid eye contact while your partner is talking. 12. Interrupt frequently while your partner is talking. 13. Criticize your partner, especially in public. 14. Ignore your own personal hygiene. 15. Take your stress out on your partner. 16. Don't tell your partner about your boundaries. 17. Expect your partner to read your mind. 18. Lie, deceive, and break promises to your partner. 19. Have an affair. 20. Discourage your partner from having any hobbies, outside interests, or friends. Twenty Behaviors That Nurture Relationships 1. Tell your partner what you want. 2. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs and wants. 3. Allow your partner to be responsible for meeting his or her own needs and wants. 4. Attack the issue, not the person. 5. Take responsibility for making or negotiating necessary changes. 6. Ask questions to be certain you understood what your partner has said. 7. Stay calm. 8. Express anger respectfully. 9. Avoid abuse; consider counseling if abuse is pervasive within the relationship. 10. Respect your partner's individuality. 11. Use active listening skills. 12. Allow your partner to complete his or her thought before replying. 13. Choose a private time to communicate and negotiate. 14. Show your respect for yourself and your partner by taking care of your hygiene. 15. Confront and resolve your problems at the source. 16. Teach your partner, from the beginning of the relationship, about your limits and expectations. 17. Tell your partner what you want, and negotiate solutions. 18. Be honest and keep your promises. 19. Discuss your wants with your partner. 20. Support and encourage your partner to state and negotiate his or her own needs and wants. holla@me
Anger: Love It, Then Leave It
by Colin C. Tipping As human beings, we are blessed with the capability to feel our emotions. In fact, some say the only reason we have chosen this human experience arises from the fact that this is the only planet carrying the vibration of emotional energy, and we have come here precisely to experience it. Consequently, when we do not allow ourselves to experience the full range of emotions and suppress them instead, our souls create situations in which we literally are forced to feel them. (Haven't you noticed that people often are given opportunities to feel intense emotions just after having prayed for spiritual growth?) This means that the whole point of creating an upset may simply lie in our soul's desire to provide an opportunity for us to feel a suppressed emotion. That being the case, simply allowing ourselves to have the feeling might allow the energy to move through us and the so-called problem to disappear immediately. However, not all situations are dissolved that easily. When we try coping with a deep-seated issue and a remembrance of what seems an unforgivable transgression, such as sexual abuse, rape or physical abuse, it takes more than just experiencing our emotions to get to the point where we feel unconditional love for that person. Feeling the emotion fully is just the first step in faking it until we make it and definitely cannot be bypassed. I am not saying that the emotional work will not benefit from insight gained through a shift in perception that might have occurred before the emotions were felt and expressed. It certainly will. However, the converse does not hold true; the perceptual shift required for Radical Forgiveness will not happen if the underlying repressed feelings are not released first. Invariably, when we feel the desire to forgive someone or something, we have at some time felt anger toward them or it. Anger actually exists as a secondary emotion. Beneath anger lies a primary emotional pain, such as hurt pride, shame, frustration, sadness, terror, or fear. Anger represents energy in motion emanating from the suppression of that pain. Not allowing one's anger to flow can be likened to trying to cap a volcano. One day it will blow! Stage one and two in the Radical Forgiveness process asks us to get in touch with not only the anger, but the underlying emotion as well. This means feeling it -- not talking about it, not analyzing it, not labeling it, but experiencing it! Love Your Anger All too often when people talk about letting go of anger or releasing anger, they really mean trying to get rid of it. They judge it as wrong and undesirable -- even frightening. They do not want to feel it so they just talk about it and try to process it intellectually, but that does not work. Trying to process emotion through talking about it is just another way to resist feeling it. That's why most talk therapies don't work. What you resist persists. Since anger represents energy in motion, resisting it just keeps it stuck within us -- until the volcano erupts. Releasing anger actually means freeing the stuck energy of held emotions by allowing them to move freely through the body as feeling. Doing some kind of anger work helps us experience this emotion purposely and with control. Anger Work Moves Energy What we call anger work is not really about anger. It is simply the process of getting energy stuck in the body moving again. It might be more appropriately called energy release work. Whatever we call it, the process can be as simple as screaming into a cushion (so as not to alarm neighbors), yelling in the car, beating cushions, chopping wood, or doing some other explosive physical activity. Combining physical activity with the use of the voice seems to provide the key to successful energy release work. All too often we block the energy of emotion in the throat, whether that be anger, sadness, guilt or whatever else, so vocal expression should always be a part of the process. We should go into it, not with the idea of trying to rid ourselves of the feeling, but with the intention of feeling the intensity of it moving through our body -- without thought or judgment. If we truly can surrender to the emotions, we will feel more alive than we have felt in a long while, and we will find that the energy has dissipated. If Anger Is Scary For many of us, the thought of bringing up anger may be too scary even to contemplate, especially if terror lies underneath the anger. The person who did these terrible things to us may still exert a strong influence on our subconscious mind. Under these circumstances, it would not be advisable to do anger work alone. Instead, we should work with someone who knows how to support us while we feel both the anger and the terror -- someone with whom we feel safe and who has experience in helping people move through intense emotion. A counselor or psychotherapist of some kind would be a good choice. I also recommend doing Satori Breathwork with a skilled practitioner. This provides a way to release emotion. Anger Addiction Warning A note of caution needs to be sounded here. It becomes all too easy to get addicted to anger. Anger feeds on itself and easily becomes resentment. Resentment relishes going over and over an old hurt, constantly revisiting the pain associated with it and venting the resultant anger in some form. It becomes a powerful addiction in and of itself. We must realize that anger that persists serves no useful purpose. Consequently, once the energy of anger has been allowed to flow as feeling, we should use the energy to create a positive outcome. Maybe we need to set a boundary or a condition on future interactions with the person around whom our anger revolves. Perhaps we can make a decision of some kind, such as to be willing to feel compassion for the person or to forgive the person. Only when used as the catalyst for positive change, self-empowerment or forgiveness will we prevent the anger from becoming an addictive cycle. holla@me
Sad.
I've been feeling very sad. Sad about my back and the pain that I'm in. Sad about situations with family members. Sad. I'm working on trying to get out of it. It's not easy. I just feel so many things on my plate. So many things that are taking and will take time to resolve. I feel hopeless and tired. I am frustrated. I've found out that anger is usually a secondary emotion in a situation. The primary emotional pain, such as hurt pride, shame, frustration, sadness, terror, or fear. Anger represents energy in motion emanating from the suppression of that pain. And I've realized that it is sadness, frustration and fear that I am filled with right now. So, I've recognized the emotions. Now I have to think of the why's completely and sort out where the emotions go. If I can get that accomplished, I can be more clear to my dude and the kiddies as to why I've been struggling to be calm and nice. It's not fair to them. For me to be in a bad mood. They know that I am in constant pain. But...I feel I should at least try to make an attempt to be pleasant. Just so much on my plate. And tonight is yet another sleepless night because of pain. Why am I typing this right now? I need to remember this. One day in the future, I will look back on this time and be able to feel peaceful. Great Spirit, help me through this holla@me |
