Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Saturday, August 17, 2002
This is just to remind myself that I'm a bitch *grin*
It is very difficult to remember a good relationship turned to shit for no apparent reason...just time or another relationship that people are in....sigh. From: "A-" Subject: Sorry no funnies To: "M" Miguel, Hi, I wanted to congratulate you and P- again on your baby boy, M. Jr. I don't know how private your email account is, if you and P- both share it but either way I need to get this out. It's been a long time since I've written you a letter isn't it? I remember when I first met you...I was 15 and we were in driver's ed. Of course I had seen you on Western-Poly campus and all the girls knew of you! We joked around and stuff in driver's ed, passed, and I didn't see or hear anything from you until the school year started. We ran into each other during lunch and asked about the rest of our summers. You had said you came out to see your girlfriend and was glad to have run into me too. Funny what I remember, I actually remember what you were wearing the first day of school; a red button-down shirt that looked really good with your skin tone and black slacks...you had a fade too! And that was the beginning of our long friendship. Just about the entire time I knew you, you were with C-. I had such a crush on you...no more than a crush, I loved you very much. It doesn't matter how I remember I spent my evenings at home listening to songs that I felt reflected how much I wished you and I would be together. It does matter that I was understanding of your relationship with C- and that you, she and I were friends together and separately. See M., I could NEVER be a person that would scheme to destroy the caring that I saw with you and her or anyone for that matter. I think you know that too, at least I hope you do. When I realized that we were only destined to be friends, I didn't stop loving you, I just redirected my love for you. I wish happiness, good times, strength, prosperity and a wonderful life for you and your beautiful family. I always thought that with that knowledge that you and I held in our brains, we would always be friends. We have a lot of history between each other. We grew up together just about. I called you my Big Brother, because you were. I thought I would always be able to call you and be myself and you would do the same; that I could call you and tell you things going on in my life. We got married in a courthouse and we plan for our 10th anniversary (we just celebrated 5th in February), you and P- and your little man would be at the reception. It doesn't feel that way anymore. I don't know if I did something, or maybe I didn't do anything but things between you and I have changed. I'm probably rambling and I guess I am because I can't believe that I have to do this. Twelve years of knowing that you were out there and praying for you, thinking about you and your brother's and sister, mom and dad, eventually wife and now son. It seems that we are just putting on appearances; a facade that is definitely crumbling. Anyway, you don't have to put me on a list for the annual events that you and your friends and family plan; I will most likely politely decline. You don't have to call me just to keep tabs. What is the point? We act like strangers just holding to a perception of each other. I have a notion a mantra that I live by called "simplify". I happens ya know? Sometimes friends stop being friends and then it is time to let go. I think that is what is happening to us and I would rather have pleasant memories than a hollow feeling everytime I talk to you. Maybe I'm off base, but I don't think so. You can always send a message letting me know I'm full of shit and that it isn't true, but I don't think that will happen either. I want to remember you the last time I saw you and we laughed and smiled. Do you remember when that was? When you got back from serving in the military. You came to my apartment and you sat in the big yellow chair and I sat on the floor. Yes, that is how I'll remember you M.A.J-. Be well, good luck with parenting (you'll need it! hahahaha), I hope for happiness and joy in your marriage (it's work work work, remember that and you'll do fine), have a good life and thank you so much for being the friend that I needed for all these years. ===== A- holla@me Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Sometimes, if you are lucky...you find a person or persons that you are connected to. People that you feel you've known for a long time. A person that you KNOW you've known before, but not in this particular life or plane of existence. It's amazing and scary and beautiful and comforting at the same time.
My dude (who has decided to quit smoking. and I didn't say anything to him about it and how upset I've been since my last entry. It's great and I'm so happy that he came to that decision...himself.) and my bestest friend. Right now, my bestest friend is in trouble. And I love her so much. I love her child. She is one of the most beautiful people in the world to me. Not because of how she looks, although she is lovely, but more because of her personality and mentality. I want to protect her, like I want to protect my dude. I want to be with them both all the time...eventually, we'll all move in together, it will happen, just not right now. They both protect me...sometimes, they try to protect me from each other...I mean, when B- hurts my feelings or D- hurts my feelings, they each get upset about the other hurting my feelings. I feel lucky to have two people that love me as much as I love them. Right now I don't feel like I can protect my bestest friend. I'm so frustrated by it. holla@me |
