Girl With The Curls |
|
|
Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
ARCHIVES 04.2001 05.2001 06.2001 07.2001 08.2001 09.2001 10.2001 11.2001 12.2001 01.2002 03.2002 04.2002 05.2002 06.2002 07.2002 08.2002 09.2002 11.2002 01.2003 03.2003 04.2003 05.2003 08.2003 03.2004 04.2004 05.2004 07.2004 11.2004 12.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 04.2006 05.2006 10.2006 11.2006 01.2007 02.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 11.2007 12.2007 05.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 |
Saturday, June 29, 2002
I have discovered a simple yet delicious beverage.
Mint Water. In one of our gardens, we have different herbs...one being mint. I cut a few stalks, boil some water and let the leaves steep while stirring. The water turns green and I add it to my filtered water in the fridge. It is wonderful...refreshing and smells so good when drinking. It gives you a minty mouth...yummmmm. holla@me
I had to pick-up a perscription today that B- had already dropped off. They couldn't find it. I was so irritated. It took 45 minutes, me calling my dude, my dude calling the pharmacy and a call to my old pharmacy (Walgreen's, don't ever go to one, they pretty much cheat you...I paid $60 for a 3 month script that I should have only paid $20 and they wouldn't change it) before it was resolved with me on my way home with my script!
During that time, a man (FINE lookin' brotha, damn!) walked by me and did a double, then a triple take. I looked at him the third time with a quizzical look and he came back to me halfway saying that he was sorry, but I was simply, striking. I blushed and said thanks...he turned and went to doing what he came in for. I normally get looks, stares, wolf-whistles, and comments (including invitations to be taken care of), but there is always something special when a man or woman says something intelligent, yet doesn't try to encroach on my life, that turns me on...makes me feel sweet, sensual and attractive. He did that. It made my frustrating moment, worth it. holla@me Saturday, June 15, 2002
I had a dream last night. I can remember only bits of it. Something to do with a dream that I've had before. Going out with some friends. One of them brought my sister along. It was an "intervention." To get us back together.
I remember assessing the situation and deciding to play it cool instead of just ignoring her. Then I decided to be very nice and sissy went crazy. Getting very upset because I was doing what she never could...being nice for niceness sake. Then everyone saw how she was being and started ignoring her and trying to keep her away from me. Strange. Guinevere's recital is tonight. I was at the non-dress rehearsal and the dress rehearsal so, I've seen this twice. It will be about 3 hours long. It is all the classes from the Middle River Rec Council as well as the TNT Dancers; they are the dance company. My mother tried to make me feel guilty: "You didn't tell me about the recital. I won't be able to go, but your father would." "Okay," I said, "I'll buy a ticket for him." Once they figured out that it would be a 3 hour event, Dad said he wouldn't be able to sit that long (and he couldn't with his hip, back fusion, etc...going on with him). Mom decided she'd go after she got off work. She asked if I had an extra ticket. I told her yes. She looked at it and said, "I didn't think they'd charge for it." Grrrrr...what the fuck!? This is a 3 hour country fest with the dance classes in cute outfits but pretty much doing the same dances each time they get on the stage. The older dance classes and the TNT Dancers will be doing "different" things, but this is strictly like a beauty pagent without a tiara at the end. Mom thought it was going to be just Guin's class doing a little dance. And it's not like she KNOWS what the fuck it would be...she never enrolled us in any extracurricular activities when we were kids (She tells me it's because we weren't interested. It's because they didn't have the money...just say "we didn't have the money." Nobody can fault a parent for that...but don't make it the kids fault when it simply isn't true!). Her impressions of what a recital is are based solely on what she's "seen on TV." Any ways, my mother frustrates me. It's always a hot and cold thing with her. She never says sorry; she just acts real sweet and loving when she does something wrong. And I could go on and on. But I won't today...*wink* Brendon took his TAEKWONDO Test. He will get his yellow belt on Tuesday. HE BROKE A BLOCK OF WOOD WITH HIS HAND!!!! I am so proud of my Little Man! They have the adults to that. I didn't know it would be the kids too. I wish I coulda been there. I will next time. After this recital, Guin says she wants to be in TKD too. GREAT!!! We can finally consolidate all of the family activities. That is a big stress reliever. Barry says that he likes me staying home. He wants me to see about getting certified for Daycare. I love working with kids. They seem to like me too. I want to set it up so that we have cameras in the "kid areas" of the house. That way parents can view tapes of their kids activities...and my activities with their kids. I want to set-up a secure website that parents can check their kids online if they have that opportunity. I think those would be good "selling" points for my business. I wonder if people would get upset about Tigger though? Maybe. That is the only thing that is on my mind. Our pets...that leaves out any child that is allergic; parents that worry about animal around their kids. That is a BIG point. Hmmmm...well, we're looking into it right now to see what the laws are. holla@me Thursday, June 13, 2002
Oh yeah...
I told Guinevere that I was proud of her. I also told Brendon how well he learns. Boubee is quitting smoking again. I know that it's hard for him. He's been going through withdraw and everything...cranky and such. He's been quiet around the house so he doesn't snap at us. I'm glad. He's a good man. We've been majorly enjoying our pool too! It's perfect. holla@me
An old friend of mine, that hasn’t spoken to me for months (more than a year if one put together the different time spans) sent me an e-mail a couple weeks ago.
It threw me for a loop. It confused me. It made me wonder. Should I do something? I immediately sent a little note back. Not really thinking, just reacting. Pleased. Thoughtful. Hopeful. Apologetic. I was wishing that it was what I thought it was… Someone reaching out, to be friends again. I mean, I had reached out. But you really can’t be the one reaching, if the person feels that you wronged them. And that makes sense. So, I figured I’d wait and see…it’s not my decision. I haven’t heard anything. I didn’t really expect to. Just fascinated and encouraged. I guess I shouldn’t have been encouraged. Oh well...what can ya do. I've had too many things to think about and do to dwell on it. If we get back to bein' friends then that will be swell. Bren is such a GREAT learner. Gosh, it's so wonderful. And what makes it even better is that he is very similar to me in learning. So, I remember how it was for me and apply some of that to him. I mean, hey he's a different person than me and always will be. Growing by leaps and bounds. It's frightening sometimes. What will their impressions of me be to them? THAT matters to me. I want my kids to talk to me. I want them to be adults who talk to me. I hope that I get that message and openess through to them. I try and make sure that I do. But, it could always be misconstrued as "gettin' into their business!" Damn, I really, REALLY hope they don't get that vibe from me. Guinevere's recital is this Saturday. She's been a very demanding little woman as of late. Yelling at Brendon. Trying to yell or reprimand Mommy and Daddy. We got to TaeKwonDo today. Not 1-1/2 minutes in the doors,Guin spins around and says: "MommyDaddy, I'm hungry...I mean I'm thirsty." (Translation: The little girl that is waiting for HER brother while I'm waiting for MY brother has something to eat and drink and I want some too.) We both said no, because we were going to save that money for snowballs after dinner. Guin starts to whine and starts stamping her feet. Guin starts to get louder with her whining. Guin gives us accusing looks for not giving her what she wants. I immediately took her out to the car. I told her that if she was going to do that, that we would sit in the car and wait for the end of Bren's class. Guin starts whining even louder, "NooooooooOOOooooOOOoooOOOOOOOOO." I picked up the Barbie clothes that she had brought in and said, “Come on.” (She has been doing this and I started last night with informing her that how she was behaving was unacceptable and that she would lose privileges if she didn’t stop. Actually, that was directed at both Brendon and Guinevere for various reasons: Bren only listens when he wants to and figures that we would never deny him treats when he doesn’t follow through with things we ask him to do after 2 minutes. Guin for what I mentioned above. As a result of them not listening on Tuesday, we didn’t get snowballs after dinner. Thus, Wednesday was supposed to be the “make up” dessert.) Guin picked up her Barbie and stomped. Guin stomped and huffed as we walked to the car. Guin stomped into the car. Guin huffed as she sat in a ball in the corner, glowering at me. I acted like I didn’t notice. (The whole reason we were in the car was because of her temper tantrum.) What I DID notice was a horrible stench coming from the closed down Butcher Barn and Deli. Dead, rotting meat. A couple days ago, Master Park told the boys to follow him to the doors of the Butcher Barn. “Do you see those flies covering the windows? “Do you smell that? “Something that is in there is bad and needs to get cleaned out.” Apparently, when the Butcher Barn was forced out of business, the owner just walked out when the lease was over. Nice businessman…real responsible eh? So, there was a nice smelly breeze for us to enjoy. Daddy came in and kept us company. Daddy left to get Bren signed up for his TaeKwonDo test. (LUCKY!!! Grrr…this back o’mine NEEDS to get better!!!) Guin sits for about five minutes after Daddy leaves then says, “I’m going to be with Brendon.” “No you aren’t,” says I. “You’re going to stay here with me.” “WhyyyyyYYYYYYYyyyyyy,” Guin starts to whine. “Why are we in this car Guinevere,” I asked. Guin paused. Guin then said in a flip tone (and of course I wouldn’t exaggerate that), “I dunno.” There are few things in life that I DON’T tolerate from a child. 1. Treating me with less respect than I give (Which is what I expect from any person.) 2. Whining. (I just tune it out. It grates on my nerves.) 3. Manipulation of any kind, but especially by pretending not to know an answer to frustrate the person inquiring. (Again, any human doing this pisses me off. 4. I’m sure there are more things about kids that irritate me, but I can’t think of them right now. Not all temper tantrums are bad. Some of them are because of frustration over a situation. A bad temper tantrum is because one EXPECTS something that is more than FREE! A person can be disappointed in not getting what they want, but to take it out on others isn’t cool. (A-, you must expound more on this thought) So, I looked at her, sighed, and said, “Now you can’t have a snowball, Guin. “I think you DO know.” Guin’s eyes teared up and she said, “I DO know, NOW Mommy.” “Guinevere, what has changed in this 30 seconds that you know now? “What do you know?” “We came to the car because of my temper tantrum.” “Yes we did. “Thank you Guinevere for not lying anymore and telling the truth.” “Mommy?” Guin asked as she slid up to me, giving me a kiss and hugging me. “Yes, Guinevere.” “Do I still get a snowball?” “No Guinevere.” Guin immediately withdrew from me and balled herself in a corner of the back seat glowering at me. Later at home, Guin came to me and asked, “Mommy, tomorrow we’ll get snowballs after dinner?” “Guinevere, I don’t know if we’re getting snowballs tomorrow,” I said, “but we ARE going to get snowballs tonight.” Guinevere pouted and stalked away. I felt so bad. But how she’s been treating everyone and expecting things and the temper tantrums and manipulation…constant manipulation (gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr)…we have to do something. And this IS part of her personality. I don’t mind it. My job is to guide her and show her different outlets in her anger and desires. My job may turn into having to chain her to her bed and redden her bottom at least once a day until said mal-behavior is “cured.” Haha! If only that worked. (There are few instances where that does work, however, having that as a reaction or the only means of discipline and punishment, doesn’t do SHIT! After putting a child to bed as punishment and then making it the last form of punishment (never discipline, because spanking is NOT discipline), is effective. I could go on about this particular subject, but…well, I don’t want to. I know why I think it’s effective. I also rarely use it because it’s effective!) Guin wanted to go to My-T-Fine while Daddy and Brendon got snowballs. Daddy didn’t think it was a good idea. I asked him, if she wanted to, why not? He nodded and off we went. When we got there, got out of the car and got up to the stand, Guinevere asked, “Can I get a snowball?” Daddy got nervous…he thought the temper tantrum was on the way. “No,” I simply stated. Guin looked disappointed but she didn’t have a temper tantrum. Perfect. We each gave her a sample of our snowballs so she knew what they were like. She didn’t have one of her own; which is exactly what she wanted. She also didn’t try to “con” Bren into giving her his snowball. I was so proud of her. She learned something tonight. I think she did. I hope she did. Bear told me I did a good job. Ain’t he sweet!? And today is another day! holla@me Wednesday, June 12, 2002
I've gotten away from how I normally write.
I've noticed that some of what I've written about what's going on in my life is shit. I've become "pop." I'm writing to an audience instead of to my self and it looks bad. I haven't gotten into myself...how situations affect me. (Not everything that happens to me effects me. Somethings just happen. I might not like them, or I do…but it’s more like, “Oh, okay that happened. Cool/That sucks. I have other things to think about right now.”) It’s not because I’m afraid; is it? Am I really worried about what people think about me? Sometimes. But the people that I value their opinion of *me (how I am…bare), are few. I DO see that I can not continue putting this superficial gloss on my thoughts, feelings and observations. It makes me fake and feel fake. I like to look back on my journal and it take me back to Exactly how I felt and what I thought at the time. Not just a brief description of the event. That is important. That is me. REAL; For better or worse. I want to start putting something in about everything that’s going in my life. Not when I pick my toes with my teeth or anything like that. Just put stuff in about this, that and THEN get to the pith (definition: 1 a : a usually continuous central strand of spongy tissue in the stems of most vascular plants that probably functions chiefly in storage b : any of various loose spongy plant tissues that resemble true pith c : the soft or spongy interior of a part of the body 2 a : the essential part : CORE b : substantial quality (as of meaning) 3 : IMPORTANCE) of other things that catch my interest. I owe that much to me. It’ll be fun to get back to that again. *thinking* huh! Fresh, yet typical observations of my self. holla@me Saturday, June 08, 2002
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
I am truly passionate. Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com. You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight? Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people. Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once? Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too. Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world. Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life? holla@me
I found these and thought that I'm ahead of the game! This is exactly how I've been handling the situation with a family member and oddly enough, I've been getting burned for it because all the people that want everything "the way it was" are telling me that I'm holding a grudge because I won't forget (and have not yet recieved an apology of any sort) nor will I trust that it won't happen again (being that I STILL haven't gotten an apology, she won't admit guilt...shame).
1. Forgiveness is not about glossing over wrongs. "Forgiveness [begins with] taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly. Forgiveness is not pretending that things are other than the way they are." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu 2. Forgiveness is not amnesia. "Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it." - Dr. Ken Hart The offense will still be part of your history, but it does not have to dominate your life. 3. Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, or excusing: forgiveness does not remove consequences. Pope John Paul II forgave his intended assassin in a face-to-face encounter. The individual remains in prison where he can do no further harm. 4. Forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation; forgiveness is not the same as trusting. The injured party can forgive an offender even though the offender may never (or for safety sake, must never) be a part of his or her life in the future. Even if you change, the other person may not. Each person has a free will. I've come to forgive the person of the situations. My sis even wants everything to be the way it was. Of course she does! I mean, who wouldn't want to steal, lie, and treat someone (or in my case, My husband, son, daughter, as well as myself) rudely and without consideration, but still treated with love? What I'm having a problem processing right now is the fact that she won't apologize and has added insult to injury by using guilt to cut me off from mutual friends. It doesn't matter, the family I'm talking about wants things the way they were and there is no way that I'm going to allow my son and daughter to be stolen from in their own home, nor my husband accosted and then called a liar. As for me, I've put up with it for years and finally did something, to protect my family. Man, I've talked about this enough. I just need to heal as far as her not admitting any wrong doing. What bothers me is that I'm sure we're going to end up as two sisters that are fighting and no one knows why. I don't care if no one knows...for her, she's been playing the "victim" card...she will continue and that is frustrating. A person with that personality type...they'll do anything to make it seem like they've done nothing. Even going to the extent of "cutting-off" a person that has confronted them in their "fuckedupedness." I can't get frustrated by it. I just have to accept that she's always been this way. She's done this to strangers and people she says she loves, why would it be any different for me, her sister? I'm just as much as a threat. Even more so, because I've known her since birth...I KNOW that she's always been this way. What brought this on was that she DID call on G-'s birthday, but when B- answered the phone... It doesn't matter really. Not in the grand-scheme of things. What does matter is that my Mother, who just happens to be a person that feels I need to let my sister treat me and my family the way she does, gave her my new phone number after I was very specific that I am very capable of giving out my own phone number. So while sissie's disrespect has opened the old wound, Mother's disregard for me and my household has really hurt me. And yes, I'm angry. I'm taking some time to think, but there will have to be a confrontation. Damn it. It's a shame. holla@me Sunday, June 02, 2002
We all went to bed at 4:15am. I mean...all of us. The kitty-kats were meowing for us to go to bed! The kids...we just figured, if they could hang, they could stay up. It was decent. I made this birthday cake and Baris frosted and decorated it...Blue's face...it was sooo cute. He did a great job. He is so wonderful. Guinevere didn't want to go to bed until we had everything that she felt was needed for HER party done...i.e. the birthday cake. I wonder who she picked up that trait from?
Guinevere's 5th birthday party went great! The pool was beloved by all and this was a great and beautiful day. I got a sunburn...as usual (have been since I was13), and am freezing right now. Brrrr... Also as usual, we got off to a slow start getting the opportunity to relax...I think that is just how it's supposed to be. I always feel that I'm playing catch-up being a hostess, but it's worth it. I love to entertain. Well, we love to entertain, it's fun. Bren was stellar through the party. It was his first year that he wasn't given gifts. I wanted to give him something, but he did...he got my (apparently) friend/family famous fudge brownies with peanut butter and marshmallows. He got to play in the pool all day. He had a great day too. He only had to be reminded once (by Grandma, because he knows how to make her "guilty") that his birthday would be soon enough and that is when he would get gifts. Lots of kids, having lots of fun. I love that! Just reflecting. I had a good day. holla@me
Lovesong - The Cure
Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am home again Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am whole again Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am young again Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am fun again However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you I will always love you Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am free again Whenever I'm alone with you You make me feel like I am clean again However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you I will always love you I love you Boubee, so-so-lotta-much! My beautiful Apollo. holla@me |
