Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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I thought I wanted to get online this evening and talk a little bit about how life's been.

but...
i don't wanna hang online this evening.
i have some books i wanna read
some dinner to eat
and BABY ratties i want to play with...yep, the girls had a litter of rat pups each! it's cool, we're going to keep them because if we take them back to the pet store, there is a 50 - 90% chance they'll be snake-chow...or some other carnivorus reptile. They are adorable. I do have piccy's of the cuties. They are just like 1-1/2" long dog pups. They make all the same squeakie noises, but they are tiny sounding...you can hear them from several feet away, but they are different you'll know what I mean if you've watched and helped with the care of puppies and kittens, rabbits, etc.).

my mother and I had a wonderful break-through with our relationship. That is an excellent thing. a very good thing. maybe i'll go into it; it started with my sister as the topic, mom said that i sound like i want my sis to apologize for everything she's done which made me say she sounded like her...and she asked if i thought i'd never hurt anyone (of course i have. i'm human, we do things that aren't nice and feel justification for it or do it because we are just "evil" inside {which i could go into detail about what i mean about evil, but that is again for another day}. sometimes, we only do the truth and people are hurt by that because they never want to be called on it either...no one wants to hear of the hurtful things that they've done to another, but sometimes we have to listen openly or grudgingly. i prefer openly so i can change and also so i'm genuine to the person who is upset; later i can be upset with the accusation, but it is a true accusation, because no matter what i want to think, a person is upset with how i treated them);

i told my mom, i'm sure i had hurt people. she told me she was upset with my impersonation of her...i won't go into that (i told her i wouldn't do it again) but i told her sorry; i wouldn't do it again but i DID love and like her. she grunted and snickered...like it didn't matter what i'd said. she did that several times. and then she told me that i was making a big deal about it. i told her that if i say i'm sorry, that i love and like her, forgiveness is just that, forgiveness. and it didn't seem like that was the case...

and then we got into it.

it wasn't pretty. but it needed to happen. i WILL say that i didn't say vicious things to her (i can't do it. i've always felt that i had my bio-dad's temper; it was in me, whether i wanted it or not. his temper is very violent and wicked...from what i've witnessed and one time {that i can remember} have experienced. i could ask my dude to write about it, but it doesn't matter. anyone who knows me knows if i hurt, it's hurt with the truth. {that isn't any less painful, and i can't say that i like being hit with it, but if you are, you know and you can either deny the truth or fess up with it}...anyway, i NEVER say things that divert the issue. I don't call names or cuss a person out. I don't throw malicious speculation into the scenario, i may say how it made me feel though, {it's important to me not to say things just to hurt...calling someone a fat pig during an argument because you know that they perceive themselves as over-weight or something, you know} and some people don't like that they use the hurtful comments as a diversion from the actual issue and i stay on topic. i can understand how hard that must be to face the truth.
(i know, i'm a bitch. i can be "mean." i'm definitely a hard person. it's me. i can't say enough how happy i am that my friends know me for who and what i am and still love me. i'm crazy. i like seeing and experiencing crazy. i love all my friends for their differences and their samenesses and embrace them all for the wonderful, sweet, prickish, beautiful, irritating, etc...people they are. and they do the same for me.
it is only that you treat me the way that you expect to be treated. if you don't, then fuck you. if you want to be treated better than how you treat, pay someone for their time...do go askin' me to give of it freely.)
ok...so we finally got on track and we got together and she apologized for other things and it was beautiful. not because she apologized to me, but because she admitted things that for so long she said never happened.

you know even if i had unlimited space, i still couldn't/wouldn't type down EVERYTHING that I've experienced. only people that have had it happen and don't know what to do or how to cope do i share with. it wouldn't be believed by some, and other's would just think i was flat-out makin' it up.

cool, fine, think what you want. i know my life. that is the mantra i've been living for years because i never got it from my mother. being close or i should say learning about my mother and her learning about me is a vulnerability that scares the shit out of me. it doesn't necessarily make sense, but it's the truth. letting her in is scary because she DOES know me. anything that she says about me from this point (or whenever point) forward will be all truth or part truth. is it that i don't know if she loves me? i don't know if she has my best interests at heart (i've had people i love do that, plenty)? i dunno, i have to look at things much different than i have. maybe that is scary too. everything that has been as it's been has changed. i thought that my family was constant because they have been for about 20+ years. growing...for the better? a positive obstacle? i HOPE so.
holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 19:07