Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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I sit and think that I could type about the shitty things that happened in my life. But do I really want to chronicle the negative? I dunno. I don’t think that what happened to me, my personal experience is something to lament as much as something to remember. I never want to go through it again. I certainly don’t want my kids to have to experience it and I want to be able to comfort people that have had similar instances occur. So, I must never forget. To forget would be burying a part of me that made me what I am. That can be a good or bad thing, but it is me nonetheless. I know people that say they prefer to look to their future. These people, I have noticed are the ones that have done hurtful things to others using what happened to them as an excuse to behave badly. They are also the ones that can’t cope and self-medicate or contemplate suicide. They are the ones that reinvent themselves every time they are dropped by a person that they treated with inconsideration and without care.

I can’t do that. Sure, it would be easy to not try and improve myself. It would be easier still to blame people for my own errors. But I can’t do that either. I am comfortable with what has happened to me that I am not embarrassed to share. I also don’t expect pity or sorrow for it. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t the only ones that have had to suffer at family members hands.

It’s simple with a stranger that you call a friend to just stop talking to them if they disregard or abuse you. With family, they are the only ones that have the audacity to steal, lie, cheat, hurt, maim, molest, beat, covet, adulter, etc. and then smile, asking for a favor right afterward. I think that people need to understand and accept that family are people first and foremost. If they weren’t family, there would be no obligation to them. Why should anyone feel any obligation to a person that disrespects them? Just because they’re family? Yeah right. Bullshit.

This has been something that I’ve had rattle around in my head. Although I have my bestest friend, who has had similar experiences and I definitely can and have talked to her, as well as with my dude, I know myself. In order to process something, I have to mull it over…thinking about it and trying to find new insights as to why I am the way I am. I call myself a freak. I don’t think I’m any different than anyone else in the world. I may have had worse experiences than you. Then again, my experiences may be just the tip of YOUR iceberg. I don’t have a problem with that thought. I don’t curl up into a ball at night and wish I was in another life. I’m proud of what I have now, because I know I did it MYSELF…with a little help from my friends. But not much from my family except for the shaping based on the environment provided by them.

I love my family, I accept them for who and what they are. In some of that, I know that based on who/what they are, they can’t be trusted, or they will hurt me or my family in ways that most people would have them assassinated. I’m ok with that. What’s funny is that they aren’t. They feel that I should still expose myself to them and their behavior on my own time. Family functions, sure….chillin' in my house, relaxin' on my chairs, sippin' my liquor during my day off? HELL NO.

So, of course this is for me. A catalogue of my life; the good and the bad. I hope I don’t sound like a whiny brat. Well, I already am a brat: I get just about everything I want. Not necessarily when I want it, but I get my way because I’ve earned what I have by workin’ my ass off for it. Sounds strange I know. Some people take to get what they want. Others cry and whine about it until someone gives it to them to shut them up. I’m fortunate that I’m able to work, I’m able and intelligent enough to make a life for myself, my dude, my kids and babies (pets). I’m fortunate to have a dude that loves and worships me and wants to give me what I want. I’m fortunate because I have a partner that I can lavish and share all the love and beauty I have inside. I’m very fortunate that he saw my inner self and loved it and wanted to spend the rest of his life figuring me out and accepting me for the freak I am. My version of being a brat and a freak isn’t a negative thing. It is merely an admission to looking at life and situations differently than a lot of other people. And that is what I like. That we as a species are different. I have embraced that fully and think that I have made a pretty good beginning life. Makes me wonder what else is in store for me and those I’ve had join me on this journey. I think it’s gonna be fun.

holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 14:27