Girl With The Curls |
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Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire
__One Percent - 1%__
Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never. 
Are You HOT or NOT?  
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Monday, July 30, 2001
"Life is what we make it; always has been; always will be." - Grandma Moses
In honor of my Bestest Friends Birthday, I love you Girl! Dearest NiNi, I hope that special things happened on your day. Get better soon. I don't wish you sick. I wish I could find some way of taking the stress away. That would be my birthday gift to you. But since I can't think of any way to do that, I can only make your time with me as stress-less as possible. Barring last year *wink*, I think I've accomplished that to success. But who knows, I might worry you all the time being's I'm nutty. Ok so now I'm rambling `cause I've had too much coffee and no food this morning. But you know it's me so what can I do...I'm quixotic; I think that's why you love me. I love you because you are beautiful inside (Thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, lovely, hard, intense, reflective, etc...). Funny as all get-out ("Sometimes more needs to be less *solemnly wise gaze*"). Extremely intelligent (I value your opinion). You are also beautiful on the outside, but that is something that you can't help and no determination of why we are so close *smile*. We share our joys, triumphs, failures and new experiences together without trying to seem superior or condescending to another with the ability to say sorry even when it's not our fault, but especially when it is.(Who cares about the faults, we all got `em...That's all that matters right?) You are great companion; My bestest friend and Queen. You are just an excellent person Dani. Happy Birthday, can't wait for this Sunday...we'll have some great fun! Love, A- P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY: You're now considered a mature, responsible adult. (Yeah right!) hee-hee holla@me Sunday, July 22, 2001
Did I mention how much we are animal lovers in our house?
Yesterday, as the kids and I were getting ready to go to the library, we noticed a baby bird on our lawn. It was a brand-new baby bird...still had that protective "tubing" around most of its body feathers, on all of the wing area, and some areas had no feathers at all...is that normal? I dunno. Scratch the library, we have to find worms. It's been too hot to find any decent worms, they've all gone as far underground as worms do...so to Petsmart. Bought some nightcrawlers, got home to feed them to the baby bird. The nightcrawlers are so big, and I know that "mama bird" woulda regurgitated the meal...I just cut them up (I'm not that much of a nature enthusiast!). It ate like crazy! I mean, legs fully extended, beak so wide it looked like it unhinged its jaw, and they can still chirp LOUDLY, like that too! It ate 3 worms for the whole day. As soon as he finished eating, he went right to sleep. We kept it in a basket with lots of fluffy, non-toxic paper and a nice piece of flannel for it to snuggle with. We named it Charlie. This morning, I got up to feed everyone, including baby bird breakfast. Charlie was stone cold. Bren looked at it, said "poor Charlie" and then asked for breakfast. Guin, well...it was MY fault that I kept Charlie in the closet and that's why he died. I tried to hug her...no dice. "Honey," I explained, "I told you yesterday that because we aren't Charlie's mama that he may not make it, but we would try, right?" She wasn't buyin` it. She cried. She got upset. She stormed off. She came back. She wanted to hold him. I let her hold him. She covered him up in the flannel and said that was fine to leave him like that. I told her that we couldn't...Charlie should be buried. Then she was sure that because Charlies' one eye was open that he was alive and she could take care of him. "Baby-doll, he's cold, his heart isn't beating any longer. "He needs peace...we gave him a good life as long as he was supposed to live. "He wasn't hungry, he wasn't cold, he was loved and cared for...he was happy before he died." She got the picture. "Ok, let's bury him Mommy." Then of course, we have to get another pet! Another bird? Hell no! Those creatures shit non-stop! I couldn't believe the amount of shit that late-bloomer Charlie produced. I was truly amazed. Ok guys, we have to think of the kind of pet that we want. A hamster? Bren wanted a mouse. Guin wanted a hamster. I wanted an iguana. Bear wants fish (he has always had fish, but it's hard to create an entire ecosystem/habitat with water on a minimal budget. It's much easier to keep critters that breathe air in the same manner that everyone else in the house does *smile*). We got to Petsmart again. I returned the wild bird food that would have been needed had Charlie survived. We looked at hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, mice, and rats. I told Bear that I would love to have a rat or two, being their social, chill creatures and a hamster really isn't. He got this look of semi-disgust on his face and then, out of the blue an employee of Petsmart said, "Are you thinking about getting a rat? "They are wonderful, I have 3 of them." This woman, wasn't our age, I would hazard she was in her 30's and she didn't look "wild and crazy"; she looked like a mom that was very excited about her pets. She told us about care for rats and how great they are and how smart they are. That was pretty much it. We asked the kids how they felt about rats...they were excited and said yeah! So after travelling to several different pet stores to browse, (but that's boring "real life stuff") we went back to Petsmart in our area and got all the equipment and two extremely gorgeous fancy female rats. We named the champagne/cream girlie Cleo, and the silvery-brown chickie Patra...Cleo-Patra....cute, yeah, I know. It was Bears idea and we asked the kiddies and they said great. (They are such cool, laid-back kids, I don't know how we ever got so lucky, but we're blessed) Of course, pictures shall be taken. Of course, we will find out about these wonderful creatures. No they don't bite, unless they smell food on your fingers, then they nibble. I've held both of them in my hands and they love to be on one's shoulders. The kids are still gettin' used to the fact that they have little claws that yes, do dig just a bit onto you to keep themselves straight. Adults have tougher skin, but I'm also used to having mice (when I was a kid) and they do the same thing. I like that they are bigger than mice. I like that they are so curious. The kitties seem fine, they haven't tried to pounce on the cage. They are wondering what they are (they aren't killers, they find dead things and bring them home, but they don't kill themselves, the pussies!). Stuppy is curious and wants to sniff, but I'm worried that he may grab with his teeth, so I give him samples of their scent and such...same with the kitties. Now we are a family of nine. That's not too bad...still 5 males to 4 females. Better than just Guin and I by ourselves. *grin* holla@me Tuesday, July 17, 2001
"Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, then to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." ~Henry Miller~ holla@me Monday, July 16, 2001
I saw my niece: Emma Morgan yesterday. She is beautiful. Her cry is so soft and sweet. Her face is that of an angel. How wonderful that Auntie has yet another cherub to know and lavish love on. I'm one of the luckiest Auntie's ever.
Thank you Chrissy...you've done a great job. now the real work starts! A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *grin* holla@me Saturday, July 14, 2001
We Can Work It Out
By John Lennon and Paul McCartney 1965 Try to see it my way Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone We can work it out We can work it out Think of what you're saying You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright Think of what I'm saying We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night We can work it out We can work it out Life is very short, and there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend I have always thought that it's a crime So I will ask you once again Try to see it my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long We can work it out We can work it out Life is very short, and there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend I have always thought that it's a crime So I will ask you once again Try to see it my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long We can work it out We can work it out *Damn, people were so smart back then!* hahahaha...this is what I feel has happened with my sis and I. While she spent time convincing herself that I was wrong, it fell apart. What a shame. holla@me
I have to laugh. My sister is all upset because I don't want to take part in her life anymore. Her ideas as to why I don't want to be part of her life are very odd and nothing that I explained to her originally. I sat down with her 2 days before New Years Eve 2000 in the hopes that we, as sisters, could start a clean slate from that point foward. I told her that she had hurt my feelings with her inconsiderate behavior. I could go into detail, but honestly what is the point? It has run the gamut of breaking objects of mine because she didn't have them, stealing things from me, etc. It doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that whenever I KNEW that she broke or took something from me, I would confront her and she would deny it and do anything to make it seem like I accused her undeservingly. Never admit it, never apologize for it.Then expect me to just act like it never happened and everything was cool again. Years after the occurences, she would bring them up and giggle and laugh about it: "Yeah girl, you knew I did that, haha." Well, I came to a point in my life: Married, kids, pets, adult-hood and just fed-up with it. See, I don't care that she did the things that she did. I only care that she took me for granted and expected me to just suck up her shittiness. Admit it, apologize and it's done. That is what anyone would want. With my sis, she expects that from everyone else. Even if the infringement is not saying thank you for a fuckin' Christmas card! But she never does it in return. NEVER To continue...when I told her that she had hurt my feelings, she asked for examples. I gave her some, but I told her it's not what she did, it's that she never once thought that I might really be hurt that she disregarded how I would feel by her actions. She didn't get it. I told her that I understood it was a lot to process that I've been hurt by her and that when she was ready to talk about it, call me and we would, no matter if it was for her to vent or whatever. I knew that she wouldn't. It is unfortunate to say, but I expected that she would take the route that she did. I was fully prepared to not have a sister for a few months or years or forever. It's been the better part of the year, with no further discussion from her and she has been scraping to get sympathy from friends and family; sure it's been by spreadin' the truth a little thin or outright lying about the situation, but that is my sis. She's gotten sympathy too. I've had our mutual friends call me, tellin' me that they know how she is and that she does this and that and yeah she lies but that she is my only sister and that I should just let it go. Guerrilla tactics my baby sister uses. Much to her chagrin, I haven't taken the bait. Well, I've let it go for about 25 years and she's gotten worse! Now, don't get me wrong; my sister treats EVERYONE like shit...she doesn't discriminate. Which is what I think is incredibly funny! These friends and family that are callin' and e-mailin' me have all been treated poorly at one time or another by sissy-poo. I think my sister SHOULD discriminate who she treats badly. I mean, I'm her sister too and there WAS nothing I wouldn't do for her. But that wasn't good enough, she had to steal it or whatever instead. Not because she had to, but because she wanted the thrill. It doesn't make sense to me. Why commit an unecessary, hurtful act upon a person that loves you with all their heart and soul? Some people can't help it. My sister sure as hell can't and I accept that. So I know that hangin' with my sister may not be healthy for me. She doesn't accept that. I should hang with her regardless of how she treats me or the family that my dude and I have created. I don't prevent her from seeing my kids. She's their Aunt and I could never do something like that because of my preference. My kids will make their conclusions and decisions. She's already stolen from them, but I don't let her in my house anyway (Well, I invited her and her fiancee to our house for our daughters' 4th birthday party.) or I make sure that there is nothing out for her to claim. I don't think she will steal at the present time anyway; she's currently engaged and is feeling secure in herself and life. Now my sis is getting married in a few weeks, and I told them I would not attend. Because my sister has made no attempt to talk to me about this situation. I've only heard second-hand conversations from friends, family, and her fiancee tellin' me how much she misses me. But still, no word from sissy-poo. Until this. What is below has been a 2 day exchange. I think it's interesting. >Hey Amber and Berry: >Good Morning, how are you guys? Great, I hope. We would really like it if >you could attend our wedding. We would love for Guin to be our flower >girl >and Bren to be our ring bearer. We understand that you are planning a >vacation, but we would miss your presence. If it would help we will pay >for >your one night hotel accommodation. >We understand if this isn't possible, but there is three weeks til the >wedding and we thought we would try. Have a great day. >love >J and D >From: A- >To: D me >Subject: Greetings >Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 10:46:09 -0700 (PDT) > >Wuz-up J and D, > >Good afternoon, we are doing great, thanks for asking. I hope all is well >with you and yours too. > >If you wish for Guinevere to be the flower girl (being that J stated >Aliya would take that role) and if you wish for Brendon to be the ring >bearer, take them on your trip to Vermont. > >I, as in Amber Cynthia Smith-Holsopple-Cetinkaya, do not wish to attend >your wedding. And no, I do not believe that my personal presence would be >missed at all. As for Barry, I do not presume to speak for him. Maybe you >should talk to him about attending. > >I understand that YOU, D, are trying, but I've tried to be >understood that my feelings have been hurt by the inconsideration and >malicious behavior from my sister, and have been burned for it. So, I'm >not trying anymore. I really can't think of anything else to say or do >except to not be around a person that I believe (by her deeds and >behavior) doesn't care for or like me. Take that as you will. Oh well, ya >know? > >My congratulations to you both. Good luck in all your endeavors. Hope you >both have a great life. > >Sincerely, >A- >===== >Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of >trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and >success achieved. >-Helen Keller Amber: What the hell is your problem? If you don't want to come see your little sister get married thats fine, but I will not and I mean WILL NOT ALLOW you to put salt on my name. I did nothting to your ass....Sorry I stole your license six years ago, get over it! And as far as you tried. Tried what? Going to the green turtle or at Guin's Birthday party not once have we talked about anything since that night in my apartment so don't go that route. And as you not wanting to be apart of my life F**k you Bitch! I have looked up to you my whole life wanted to be like you. Thought you were smart, strong, funny, cool as ice. But for you to think I want your life - I like women and want my own kids. Not your husband or kids. You're 28 and I am 2 months from 25 and you want to act like kids about this? I did nothing to burn you or act malicious till now. D did not write the letter I did, like this one, and it seems you can't see that. You are wrong in your beliefs and I know you can't see that now but you will. I guess I have to hurt for it now. Well have a good life. F**k you very much. JM Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 09:11:40 -0700 (PDT) From: A- Subject: Re: Greetings To: D me A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one babe. ===== Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. -Helen Keller I think it's funny ha-ha and funny weird. But that is also how my life seems to work. Is it just me, or am I just being asked to attend so our kids can be in the wedding? The rest of it is just hilarious. To try and make it seem like I myself do not know what is going on between her and I is a trip. I have never thought nor stated she wants my personal life, but I DO believe that she wants the whole married with kids life; there's nuthin' wrong with that. And as far as salt...she's put her own salt on her name...I didn't have to help. It's her chicks e-addy and I know they don't have a PC at home. Odd though, the first message I got from that address doesn't seem like my sisters style...the second one is just like her. Except, I think that her fiancee typed the note `cause, J would have just typed FUCK...no ****'s. *chuckle* I can only thank The Great Spirit that she hasn't tried to make this a Gay/Lesbian issue. I'd have to put a hit on her for that...haha...not really, but no one would believe her with that anyway. How does my family feel about this? My mother wants everything to look all nice-nice and normal for the remainder of her life. She told me: "A-, yes she treats you like shit, but if you let her know that, you’ll make her mad and it will change your relationship with her. I should wouldn't say anything if I were you." When I asked my mother if she had a friend that did the things my sister has done to me and then invited her to her wedding, would she go; my mother wouldn't answer the question except to state that if it was family, she would. I reiterated that I didn't state family but if it was a friend. She wouldn't answer, at least not in words. I think her lack of an answer said it all though. Crazy, eh? My brother, sis's twin, knows that she is the way she is but their relationship is something that I will never share or have with them. He thinks I should just accept her. I don't know how many times I need to say I do accept her. My dad, well, he doesn't get involved in gossip or inter-personal relationships in the family. I think thats decent. But he told me one day, without using names: "I know it's hard to come to the conclusion that someone you love doesn't show it in return. When that happens, the only thing you can do is let them go." Those words have kept me strong. I didn't take it as a blessing by him. I took it only as understanding that you are born into family, but they aren't always life-long friends just because they're family. It hasn't been easy. So, what do I want from my sister? For her to change? No. She can't. She will always be what and who she is. What I want, what she doesn't seem to be capable of, understands, or refuses to do, is admission that yes she has hurt me and it's not something that I've just concocted in my mind, an apology, and to say that she will try to be more considerate of me and my family. I don't expect her to be capable of doing that all the time (she truly behaves like her needs come before all the world and acts like people are inanimate dolls, only coming to life when she graces them with her presence), but more times than not. I've been tussling with this issue for a while. Hell anyone would. I mean I know that this has to be done. I wish it didn't get to this. I never thought that my sister, instead of saying sorry, would lie about this and make it seem like I'm this nutso, psychotic bitch...no I'm lying...I knew this is EXACTLY what she would do. I was sincerely hoping that she wouldn't do what she is now. But oh well, ya know? holla@me Tuesday, July 10, 2001
TODAY'S WORD IS: QUIXOTIC (adjective)
Pronounced: kwik-'sah-tik Meaning: Naively idealistic; erratic, unpredictable. This is a word in flux; its meaning is changing from "naively idealistic" to "erratic, unpredictable." The former meaning is used considerably less often than the latter today. "Quixotic" is a commonization (conversion of a proper noun to a common one) from the English pronunciation of Quixote (kwik-sot), "a naive visionary," after Don Quixote (kee-'ho-tee), hero of the Spanish epic novel by Miguel de Cervantes. This word describes me 150% of the time...actually I'm always in this frame of mind or action and unless you know me well, I'll sound like a FLAKE! But I'm not. I'm just me. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and the family that my dude and I made for ourselves that understand that sometimes I go off on a apparent tangent, but it's all part of an intricate web of a previous conversation that took place about 5 years ago or 15 minutes ago. *grin* Then I have all these other emotional factors that tie into my already erratic thought process. Mind you, I am extremely logical. I just have so many thoughts and perceptions and feelings and interests going through my head all the time, I have to talk about it. I know I say constantly that I'm lucky. I am and I know I am. There are so many lonely individuals that don't have people or outlets to sound-off to as well has have the resources or way to express themselves that they believe no one cares or wants them. I might have been one of those confused persons, but my friends "found" me. I didn't always reach out to people because of how many times I had been hurt by my family and strangers that called themselves friends. I'm lucky because these people who became my dude and my bestest friend and my gang and my friends saw something in me that they felt was special, even when I didn't see something special in myself. I'm blessed. I'm rich. and I'm spoiled in the love and caring that not everyone has. I want to share that with people. I want to give the love and friendship that constantly gets filled with the wonderful people that are in my life. I think that is what makes it easier to accept that my original family have their things going on. They are human beings and they do what feels good to them instead of also paying attention to others that have always been there for them. I don't have to hang with them. I love them though, because they did shape my existence and made me understand human nature better than any book or lecture could ever. But, lucky for me, they are not the only one's that have shaped my sphere. Lucky for me I was able to meet and make my own family of friends that give what I need. I know, I sound redundant and I'm probably repeating what I've typed just 5 lines ago. But it's important to me to understand that I am a definite positive person still processing what happened. How did I turn out so different from what I came from? I believe that personalities are complete from inception (fermentation of the egg). I understand that environment also shapes a personality. But how my brother and sister are and how they processed the info that was thrust upon all of us, and some things that were exclusive of us individually, is a mystery to me. I want to understand. I need to understand. Help me understand. holla@me Monday, July 09, 2001
I sit and think that I could type about the shitty things that happened in my life. But do I really want to chronicle the negative? I dunno. I don’t think that what happened to me, my personal experience is something to lament as much as something to remember. I never want to go through it again. I certainly don’t want my kids to have to experience it and I want to be able to comfort people that have had similar instances occur. So, I must never forget. To forget would be burying a part of me that made me what I am. That can be a good or bad thing, but it is me nonetheless. I know people that say they prefer to look to their future. These people, I have noticed are the ones that have done hurtful things to others using what happened to them as an excuse to behave badly. They are also the ones that can’t cope and self-medicate or contemplate suicide. They are the ones that reinvent themselves every time they are dropped by a person that they treated with inconsideration and without care.
I can’t do that. Sure, it would be easy to not try and improve myself. It would be easier still to blame people for my own errors. But I can’t do that either. I am comfortable with what has happened to me that I am not embarrassed to share. I also don’t expect pity or sorrow for it. I think it’s important for people to know that they aren’t the only ones that have had to suffer at family members hands. It’s simple with a stranger that you call a friend to just stop talking to them if they disregard or abuse you. With family, they are the only ones that have the audacity to steal, lie, cheat, hurt, maim, molest, beat, covet, adulter, etc. and then smile, asking for a favor right afterward. I think that people need to understand and accept that family are people first and foremost. If they weren’t family, there would be no obligation to them. Why should anyone feel any obligation to a person that disrespects them? Just because they’re family? Yeah right. Bullshit. This has been something that I’ve had rattle around in my head. Although I have my bestest friend, who has had similar experiences and I definitely can and have talked to her, as well as with my dude, I know myself. In order to process something, I have to mull it over…thinking about it and trying to find new insights as to why I am the way I am. I call myself a freak. I don’t think I’m any different than anyone else in the world. I may have had worse experiences than you. Then again, my experiences may be just the tip of YOUR iceberg. I don’t have a problem with that thought. I don’t curl up into a ball at night and wish I was in another life. I’m proud of what I have now, because I know I did it MYSELF…with a little help from my friends. But not much from my family except for the shaping based on the environment provided by them. I love my family, I accept them for who and what they are. In some of that, I know that based on who/what they are, they can’t be trusted, or they will hurt me or my family in ways that most people would have them assassinated. I’m ok with that. What’s funny is that they aren’t. They feel that I should still expose myself to them and their behavior on my own time. Family functions, sure….chillin' in my house, relaxin' on my chairs, sippin' my liquor during my day off? HELL NO. So, of course this is for me. A catalogue of my life; the good and the bad. I hope I don’t sound like a whiny brat. Well, I already am a brat: I get just about everything I want. Not necessarily when I want it, but I get my way because I’ve earned what I have by workin’ my ass off for it. Sounds strange I know. Some people take to get what they want. Others cry and whine about it until someone gives it to them to shut them up. I’m fortunate that I’m able to work, I’m able and intelligent enough to make a life for myself, my dude, my kids and babies (pets). I’m fortunate to have a dude that loves and worships me and wants to give me what I want. I’m fortunate because I have a partner that I can lavish and share all the love and beauty I have inside. I’m very fortunate that he saw my inner self and loved it and wanted to spend the rest of his life figuring me out and accepting me for the freak I am. My version of being a brat and a freak isn’t a negative thing. It is merely an admission to looking at life and situations differently than a lot of other people. And that is what I like. That we as a species are different. I have embraced that fully and think that I have made a pretty good beginning life. Makes me wonder what else is in store for me and those I’ve had join me on this journey. I think it’s gonna be fun. holla@me Friday, July 06, 2001
It's been a good several days for me. I've been havin' fun and relaxin' cleaning the house and such. I love to clean and straightenup. I know, weird but that's how I operate. The kiddies are playing with Play-Doh, and told me that I'm the best mommy ever and glad I'm home. Spent the 4th holiday at my folks. Made them salmon (my dad and my fav...well any fish is our fav) and country-style pork ribs (my ma digs them, and I like `em too). So it's been nice. I get very pleased with myself when I am able to make food and it turns out well. I'm making the left-over ribs in to pulled pork for samiches...yummm. My youngest sister (in-law) had her first child...girl, Emma. We're gonna go to her sis's house this weekend and see the baby while the kiddies are playing together *smile* It's cool Kellys' in town (daughter of R's hubby) so they'll all get re-acquainted and play in the pool and anything else they can get into. I can't wait to see and hold this baby though. I'll ask if they want me to bring some ribs...probably not. Every time I cook food for them, it never turns out! HAHA they probably think that I can't cook. Oh well. I'm not a chef! I'm just a house-cook...sometimes yes, sometimes no...the food is edible. Most times it's good as hell, but then there are those times...
fuck it. I can't do anything about mistakes. Aww...the kids are makin' me Play-Doh cookies...mmmm now...off to play @neopets holla@me |
