Observations of a Quixotic Femme Noire __One Percent - 1%__ Warrior-woman; a Valkyrie. I'll always be yours. Always...and never.



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It’s hard for me to understand why people shut their emotions and thoughts off and think that will make everything ok. It makes me cry to see/feel my friends in pain because they “close” themselves. I hate to feel people in emotional pain. Because they look normal on the outside…nothing is bruised or broken or cut…but the inside: I can sense it. It hurts ME. I’m a silly girl…what does it matter?

It matters because I did that for a long time…thinking that shutting my emotions and feelings and intuition off would make everything better. I would be more accepted. I wouldn’t be looked at as “strange” because of saying off-the-wall things or doing spontaneous movement. How fucked-up was I? It took me years to stuff it all in and hold it down. After a while, I just didn’t feel. But then I realized that it wasn’t enough for some of the people I knew. I was expected to not react “normally” to situations:

A-, don’t get angry because he stole that from you. You should have kept it in a place where he couldn’t get it.

A-, yes she treats you like shit, but if you let her know that, you’ll make her mad and it will change your relationship with her.

A-, he didn’t really touch you the way you think he did; you have incestuous thoughts about him and secretly want him to have sex with you.

Baby, baby why did you look so good you make me fuck you even when you said no?
Baby, why did you make me hit you…why do you do things to make me so angry?

And the list goes on and on….

It’s funny-weird to me how people stay the same. How it always seems to be the same issues that a person has that prevents them from getting further in life or growing emotionally. For the most part it is the individual that holds herself/himself back, but they manage to find another person that they lay blame on. Some people don’t learn from their repeated mistakes or can’t see what they are currently involved in can cause potential harm.

I figured out (and it don’t take a rocket scientist) that in order to get myself healthy, happy, content, fulfilled…NORMAL…I had to ditch those inadequate feelings and just know in my heart, body and soul that I am entitled to happiness. I had to finally convince myself that my feelings, needs, desires and wants are just as important as other peoples. While not everyone cares about me, I need to focus on the people who do, show them how much I cherish them everyday and dump the assholes that only care about themselves. It’s not easy to do because I got comfortable with these people and it was “natural” to be abused. It took a lot of courage and effort to recognize the problem and then rectify it.

Now, I see some of my family and friends going through the negative type of self-depreciation and I want to help them. I want to hold them. I want them to help themselves. A couple have…beautiful to see! And THEY can’t believe how happy they are. They feel lifted and have no idea why they let themselves slip into hopelessness. Few have diagnosed the situation, but are worried about the consequences of fixing it. And still some won’t see it and I’ve lost them.

Somehow I have an ability that allows me to see what is slowing a persons “inner” growth as well as their health. It’s odd; I don’t have to physically be near a person, it can be a mental connection. (Am I psychic? I get very strong sensations from people while interacting with them. I can sense the emotions radiating from them. I can also “feel” what a person is saying when they don’t say it.)

I’ve realized from personal experience and observation that one can’t fix another’s problem. But because I’m so straight-forward and blunt, I blurt it out and end up hurting that persons feelings. I’m thankful for the few people that understand that I mean no disrespect or harm…they have stayed with me for years and tell me when I’m being too “open.” I’m thankful for that too. I know that I say what is on my mind based on what I have observed and felt from interacting with a friend or acquaintance. The person experiencing it doesn’t see it until they’ve hit bottom. I just don’t like seeing people hit bottom. It’s a rough place to be.

I’m probably only making sense to myself (as usual).

holla@me posted by MobiusRazor at 14:55